What Do you Think?

SoonForgotten2

I'm looking for some opinions here because I'm feeling pretty confused.

I'm in a LDR with a girl from the east coast of the US. We were together in NYC recently when she got news of a friend of hers from school being killed in a car crash. It hit her pretty hard and despite having rarely ever mentioned this girl to me in the 8 months we've been together it now seems this girl was really special to her. So she left our trip about 3 days early to attend the service. I returned to London yesterday.

I come to find last night that she got her first tattoo on her forearm. It's a flower and is supposedly this girl's favourite flower. I only found this out from seeing a photo of it on her flickr. She never mentioned anything about getting one and she didn't tell me about it yesterday.

I just feel so hurt by this all. That she would do something like this without even giving me the slightest of notice before or after. I've known her as someone who's really not a flower type of girl and then she goes and gets a bloody flower tattoo in memorium of a girl I had no idea she was even so close to.

I'm terribly confused and am wondering what to do. This isn't the only issue I have, but I'm just shocked by what she's done. I'm wondering if I'm right to be as hurt by this or what. I'm terribly confused.

surfanddestroy

Don't be hurt, just give her your support.

She probably didn't not tell you on purpose, if she is going through a rough time her thoughts are probably all over the place.

Cinnamon Girl

Just my opinion, but I don't think you have any right to be upset by what she did. I'm only basing this on the info you have posted. I don't think people should have to consult with their significant others when it comes to something like a tattoo. It's her body and her choice.

She's obviously very saddened by the loss of her friend and if a tattoo makes it easier for her to accept the death of her friend, then the best thing you can do is support her (as the previous poster said).

Sorry, I guess I can't see how you have any reason to be upset.

I wish you lots of love and luck in your relationship.

Rygar

I also don't see the big deal with what she did.
How long have you two been seeing each other?
LDR's can suck.
Hope things work out well for you two.

edit - I don't mean to sound like an ass in the above. I CAN see how knowing ahead of time would feel more, uh, relationshipy.

SoonForgotten2

My problem isn't so much that she didn't say anything beforehand, though I cannot see an impulsive tattoo as a good thing. The fact remains that she never said anything to me about it after the fact. I dunno, I just fail to understand why she cannot discuss such things at all.

Cinnamon Girl

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

My problem isn't so much that she didn't say anything beforehand, though I cannot see an impulsive tattoo as a good thing. The fact remains that she never said anything to me about it after the fact. I dunno, I just fail to understand why she cannot discuss such things at all.

How long have you been together?

SoonForgotten2

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

My problem isn't so much that she didn't say anything beforehand, though I cannot see an impulsive tattoo as a good thing. The fact remains that she never said anything to me about it after the fact. I dunno, I just fail to understand why she cannot discuss such things at all.

How long have you been together?

Just over 8 months and it's been as intense as something like this could be in that time. I've heard her talk about a lot of her friends but rarely this girl. I just don't know what to make of it and I'm just really disappointed that she couldn't tell me anything about this before or after. Why do I get to find out via something she posted publically when we're supposed to be so close? I'm just having a hard time reconciling any of this. She knew this girl no more than two years and I've never ever heard of them spending time outside of anything school related. I'm just really surprised by all this.

Cinnamon Girl

8 months is still a pretty young relationship. I really wouldn't let yourself get bothered by something like this. Who knows, maybe this girl had a big impact on her life. Sometimes we don't know until someone is gone how much they meant to us.

Can I ask how old you both are?

SoonForgotten2

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

8 months is still a pretty young relationship. I really wouldn't let yourself get bothered by something like this. Who knows, maybe this girl had a big impact on her life. Sometimes we don't know until someone is gone how much they meant to us.

Can I ask how old you both are?

I know it's young, but it's the lack of communication that troubles me. I'm struggling to understand why she'd not mention it to me but instead just put a photo up. I mean, it is a permanent thing and it's not something tiny, so why not actually say "Oh, by the way I got a tattoo today"? It just makes me feel like there's no point when she can't even mention something like that to me, even after the fact. If this were the lone issue, then it'd be a lot easier for me to get past. However,this may just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I don't think the matter of age is important here. To me it's about communication and consideration. We've been quite serious about this relationship, but I'm really wondering if it's worth it when she doesn't seem to care about my opinion or even talking about it at all.

Maybe I am making a bigger deal out of this than it should be, but I'm so worn down at this point that it really feels like it's underscoring everything else.

decides2dream

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

Maybe I am making a bigger deal out of this than it should be, but I'm so worn down at this point that it really feels like it's underscoring everything else.

^^^ this.


i think it's both. from what you have written, i would most definitely say you are making a 'bigger deal' about this one particular issue. however, from all you are not saying, but alluding to...it may well be all these 'other issues'....then adding this....is bothering you.


quite honestly i see nothing wrong with her getting a tattoo w/o your knowledge, and even not mentioning it to you....letting you discover it with everyone else in the photo she posted. that you shouldn't take personally imo. however, all this *other* stuff that may've come before, coupled with this, well it may well be a big deal to you in the cumulative. hell, it's your feelings, your relationship...and if it bothers you, it bothers you. i don't really think it's something to discuss with her, but your own inner dialogue as to why you feel this way and what you want from her and your relationship.

Cinnamon Girl

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

Can I ask how old you both are?

I don't think the matter of age is important here. To me it's about communication and consideration. We've been quite serious about this relationship, but I'm really wondering if it's worth it when she doesn't seem to care about my opinion or even talking about it at all.

I understand. The only reason I ask is because sometimes age is a factor in being considerate of other peoples feelings. I know it was for me. When you are young freedom seems so important. Not wanting to have to "answer" to anyone. But as people mature they begin to learn that it's much easier to communicate intentions with the people you care about.

I hope my asking didn't offend you. I was just curious if she was younger than you, which may have something to do with it.

norm

have you asked her about all this? it doesn't sound like you have and if you have ignore me but her friend just died, she's in ny and you are in london...right now maybe her head is somewhere else....just nicely bring up your feelings without accusing her of anything....communication is a 2 way street

SoonForgotten2

norm wrote:

have you asked her about all this? it doesn't sound like you have and if you have ignore me but her friend just died, she's in ny and you are in london...right now maybe her head is somewhere else....just nicely bring up your feelings without accusing her of anything....communication is a 2 way street

Yeah, I'd like to be able to but based on how such things have played out in the past no matter what I say will be taken as an accusation of some sort. I also really have no desire to make anything about me as I've been doing my best to be sensitive about the situation she's in. Which is pretty much what I'll be accused of no matter how I approach it. This has is a big reason why I'm feeling pretty close to throwing in the towel here.

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

Can I ask how old you both are?

I don't think the matter of age is important here. To me it's about communication and consideration. We've been quite serious about this relationship, but I'm really wondering if it's worth it when she doesn't seem to care about my opinion or even talking about it at all.

I understand. The only reason I ask is because sometimes age is a factor in being considerate of other peoples feelings. I know it was for me. When you are young freedom seems so important. Not wanting to have to "answer" to anyone. But as people mature they begin to learn that it's much easier to communicate intentions with the people you care about.

I hope my asking didn't offend you. I was just curious if she was younger than you, which may have something to do with it.

Yes, she's a lot younger than I, and I guessed I feel I've been repeatedly fooled by how mature she can be in many ways. However, it's the horrible immaturity in the other ways that have really brought me to to brink.

Wobbie

I'm MARRIED and got a tattoo w/o saying anything to my wife...she was in Ireland at the time...as we were driving home from the airport, she says "what's that?" It has her name in it, so I figured I'd be OK.

Don't make this into more than it it...

soulsinging

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

This isn't the only issue I have, but I'm just shocked by what she's done. I'm wondering if I'm right to be as hurt by this or what. I'm terribly confused.

Then you might want to think more about whatever other issues you have because her tattoo is none of your business and she doesn't have to get your permission to get it, so you're totally overreacting.

soulsinging

nevermind. amended below.

soulsinging

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

Yes, she's a lot younger than I, and I guessed I feel I've been repeatedly fooled by how mature she can be in many ways. However, it's the horrible immaturity in the other ways that have really brought me to to brink.

I should've read down further... throw in the towel and get out now man. I've dated younger girls. They will always and inevitably break your heart. They are incapable of maintaining interest in a long distance, especially if they're remotely attractive and can get attention from other guys easily.

The reason you didn't hear about her friend is probably because she wasn't that close to the friend, but when something so juicy and dramatic happens, it's gratifying to feel like you're in the thick of it and play the angst up. The not mentioning stuff to you and taking all your questions as accusations... because she's guilty in heart if not yet in act in straying from you.

SoonForgotten2

soulsinging wrote:

The reason you didn't hear about her friend is probably because she wasn't that close to the friend, but when something so juicy and dramatic happens, it's gratifying to feel like you're in the thick of it and play the angst up.

This is pretty much the same conclusion I came to discussing it with a friend a couple hours ago. I never said she should have sought my permission, it's more the thinking around it that has troubled me. From making such a rash decision, to not even telling me to the act itself. I'm truly left wondering what sort of gesture it serves. Why not take the money and do something nice for the girl's mother instead. I'm sorry to say that it seems like attention-seeking behaviour to me. It's her thought process here that has really sounded the alarm for me. It just strikes me as terribly immature, but then I guess I had this coming.

polaris_x

were here tattoos stars on her face by any chance?

seriously tho - the Long Distance thing is probably at the crux of everything - no one really knows where they stand when you're so far apart ... any relationship worth it's salt has an open line of communication - meaning she should be able to talk about whatever she wants and at the same time not discuss things she doesn't ... the same goes for you too tho ... so, if you are bothered by something ... if you can't talk to her now about these things - when can ya?

soulsinging

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

The reason you didn't hear about her friend is probably because she wasn't that close to the friend, but when something so juicy and dramatic happens, it's gratifying to feel like you're in the thick of it and play the angst up.

This is pretty much the same conclusion I came to discussing it with a friend a couple hours ago. I never said she should have sought my permission, it's more the thinking around it that has troubled me. From making such a rash decision, to not even telling me to the act itself. I'm truly left wondering what sort of gesture it serves. Why not take the money and do something nice for the girl's mother instead. I'm sorry to say that it seems like attention-seeking behaviour to me. It's her thought process here that has really sounded the alarm for me. It just strikes me as terribly immature, but then I guess I had this coming.

I'd get out now. If you wait, you'll only get the lovely experience of her one day telling you she found another guy and is hooking up with him now. Three years later and I'm still all kinds of fucked up about it, and you don't want to end up like me. Just ask anyone around here if I'm a nice or happy person.

Sorry if I'm being unnecessarily harsh, but I found out just last week that said girl is engaged to the guy she left me for... that's 2 girlfriends in a row that I was madly in love with and ready to marry that dumped me for another guy that they went on to marry. And both of them were younger and had distance issues. So I speak from xp. It's easy to blind yourself to their youth and be impressed by their maturity and poise, especially if they're hot But they are still their age, and if you're seeing the signs of immaturity come through, it's not going to be a happy ending.

decides2dream

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

The reason you didn't hear about her friend is probably because she wasn't that close to the friend, but when something so juicy and dramatic happens, it's gratifying to feel like you're in the thick of it and play the angst up.

This is pretty much the same conclusion I came to discussing it with a friend a couple hours ago. I never said she should have sought my permission, it's more the thinking around it that has troubled me. From making such a rash decision, to not even telling me to the act itself. I'm truly left wondering what sort of gesture it serves. Why not take the money and do something nice for the girl's mother instead. I'm sorry to say that it seems like attention-seeking behaviour to me. It's her thought process here that has really sounded the alarm for me. It just strikes me as terribly immature, but then I guess I had this coming.

whether this is true or not, idk...sounds like you don't really either. however, if you actually are thinking this of this girl, yes, sure sounds like it's time to move on. if i ever felt this way about someone i was involved with, or if someone felt this way about me.....i would hope it would end. these are not the kind of thoughts to have about someone you are involved with/possibly love. good luck to you.


in regards to older/younger and vice versa.....entirely dependent on the individuals involved. my husband and i married fairly young....my mother married my father when she was 19 and he 34 and actually were very well suited 'maturity-wise.' this girl's immaturity, if it indeed is even that may or may not be linked to her chronologial age. i know very mature 21 year olds, absolutely immature 41 year olds...and everything inbetween, at all ages....

covered in bliss

SoonForgotten2 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

The reason you didn't hear about her friend is probably because she wasn't that close to the friend, but when something so juicy and dramatic happens, it's gratifying to feel like you're in the thick of it and play the angst up.

This is pretty much the same conclusion I came to discussing it with a friend a couple hours ago. I never said she should have sought my permission, it's more the thinking around it that has troubled me. From making such a rash decision, to not even telling me to the act itself. I'm truly left wondering what sort of gesture it serves. Why not take the money and do something nice for the girl's mother instead. I'm sorry to say that it seems like attention-seeking behaviour to me. It's her thought process here that has really sounded the alarm for me. It just strikes me as terribly immature, but then I guess I had this coming.

It IS immature and waaay too impulsive. I agree with everything ss has said... when drama happens, certain people MUST get involved.

covered in bliss

a michael Jackson or farrah fawcett tattoo would be wrong right about now..

yes?

arq

covered in bliss wrote:

a michael Jackson or farrah fawcett tattoo would be wrong right about now..

yes?

LMAO!

purple_chick79

She doesn't need to ask you or consult you. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. I have been with my boyfriend almost 3 years and of he pulled some shit like you're pulling I'd tell him to go shit in a hat.

libragirl

I think you are making a big deal out of it. Obviously it was a very dear friend of hers, not sure why she wouldn't tell you about her but I think you are taking it too personally. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh but I don't see why you are so upset about it.