It's a lonely place

CateetoCateeto Posts: 377
edited June 2009 in All Encompassing Trip
I'm lonely here. Let me explain.

I've been living in the same area for over two years now with my husband. We love this area and especially love the fact that it's over an hour away from the towns we both came from. We never liked where we originally came from as the towns held bad vibes and close-minded people. I guess you'll get that anywhere, but there comes a time when you have to make a home of your own elsewhere and so we did. We're lucky to have all of our old friends come up here and spend extended amounts of time with us and it's great the people enjoy doing so, but I'm discovering that there is still a problem with living here, as much as I love it.

It's insanely impossible to meet new friends.

There is nothing wrong with me. I'd find myself to be a fairly inviting, nice person that anyone can get along with. Same with my husband... But it seems like finding new people to hang out with is nearly impossible. It doesn't even matter where you go or what you do, I'm finding that everyone has their own clique already set up and nobody wants to let outsiders in. Then comes the problem of finding potential friends, but as soon as they find out you are married, that is the last you hear from them. I hate that people assume married couples are boring. My husband and I are anything but boring!

I don't know. I'm just frustrated. It's been over two years of living here and I've found maybe one or two friends that I can maybe occasionally hang out with. Even these people are weird with holding new friendships with outsiders like me. Has anyone else noticed the difficulty of meeting new friends? What do you do in times like these?

Again, I love living here, but sometimes it's just such a lonely place :(
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Thorns2010Thorns2010 Posts: 2,201
    Hmmmmmm......

    Just start telling everyone that balks at you being married that you guys are swingers!!!! :lol:


    I kid, I kid
  • I find that same thing happening with my husband and I.....too bad you didn't live closer I'd hang out with you :D
  • dcfaithfuldcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    Cateeto wrote:
    I'm lonely here. Let me explain.

    I've been living in the same area for over two years now with my husband. We love this area and especially love the fact that it's over an hour away from the towns we both came from. We never liked where we originally came from as the towns held bad vibes and close-minded people. I guess you'll get that anywhere, but there comes a time when you have to make a home of your own elsewhere and so we did. We're lucky to have all of our old friends come up here and spend extended amounts of time with us and it's great the people enjoy doing so, but I'm discovering that there is still a problem with living here, as much as I love it.

    It's insanely impossible to meet new friends.

    There is nothing wrong with me. I'd find myself to be a fairly inviting, nice person that anyone can get along with. Same with my husband... But it seems like finding new people to hang out with is nearly impossible. It doesn't even matter where you go or what you do, I'm finding that everyone has their own clique already set up and nobody wants to let outsiders in. Then comes the problem of finding potential friends, but as soon as they find out you are married, that is the last you hear from them. I hate that people assume married couples are boring. My husband and I are anything but boring!

    I don't know. I'm just frustrated. It's been over two years of living here and I've found maybe one or two friends that I can maybe occasionally hang out with. Even these people are weird with holding new friendships with outsiders like me. Has anyone else noticed the difficulty of meeting new friends? What do you do in times like these?

    Again, I love living here, but sometimes it's just such a lonely place :(

    Jen and I would hang with you as well if we were closer :( .

    Did you relocate to a smaller community, or are there still plenty of places to meet people?

    Tell me if my following suggestion is lame, but I'm only throwing it out there because I've noticed that it has somewhat helped...but I haven't done these things intentionally. Now, here is my suggestion:

    Perhaps you two should involve yourself in somethings e.g. art classes, organized social events, etc... maybe things of that nature might help you guys meet some new friendly faces...and possibly other married couples that are in the same pickle as you. Is that a lame suggestion? I'm not married, so I don't know if the married couples thing hanging out is spirit breaker or something, but in my opinion, it wouldn't bother me and I'd try it.

    I mean, when i started working at my job where I work now, the first guy I really got a friendship with, his name is Mike, eventually began inviting Jen and I to his house to come drink, play darts/cards, and such with him and his wife. We got excited about having a "couples" friend and decided to get creative one night, we came over to their house and cooked them dinner in their own kitchen. I got too drunk and puked in the kitchen sink...but that's neither here nor there ;) . I wouldn't recommend doing THAT lol.

    I hope that helps though. I believe that you're a friendly and outgoing person, so I'm sure you have no problem striking up convo with folks. Just get out there and go to social events that interest you...generally it may attract others that share that same interest and maybe others. Ya know, people you can connect with.

    Cheers :D
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • CateetoCateeto Posts: 377
    I wish you guys did live closer! We can always be online friends though. I always dig those :D

    Anyway... Good suggestions, but I'm discovering that around here there are a lot of older couples that do those sort of things. The normal thing around here is to get married when you are in your 30s/40s and I'm 22 and Mr. Cateeto is 24....... So we're seen as abnormal to the older married couples due to our youth and "uncool" to the people around our age because we settled :( This is not to say that everyone will feel that way, but just the majority of people have given us that vibe and it's sad.

    Mr. Cateeto is from a larger populated area and I'm from a smaller populated area. In general we've both come to the conclusion that people as a whole just have a hard time opening up to outsiders. We're constantly trying to figure out why. I think part of it migth be the whole technology thing what with facebook having already established cliques and whatnot. I recall even having trouble meeting new friends in my old town, though it was a lot easier when I wasn't married. Whether that has to do with me being married, the times changing, or the town itself, I'm not sure.

    The odd thing is that we live in a college town and you'd think it would be easier to actually meet people, but it's not! College kids around here are actually worse with their cliques! If you even look at them and attempt to start conversation they roll their eyes and act disgusted! I can't believe it!!!

    Mr. Cateeto recently landed two jobs. At one of the jobs he is younger than everyone there so he doesn't have much in common with those people and no one really sees the need to keep up a friendship. At the other job he works with people more of his age, but most of them are younger and still see some weirdness in us being married I think. Some of them have expressed interest in hanging out, which is cool, but we have yet to see anything come of that. I think we'll keep trying there.
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    Sorry, but outwardly you're lame. You're just going to have to live with it. I'll demonstrate:

    High School-
    Person A: Wanna come party tonight?
    Person B: That sounds like fun, let me check with my parents and make sure I can get away.

    College/Single young professional-
    A: Wanna come party tonight?
    B: I'm in, tell me where and when and let's get drunk!

    Married-
    A: Wanna come party tonight?
    B: That sounds like fun, let me check with my husband/wife and make sure I can get away.

    Notice any parallels and why college kids may regard you two as a waste of their time when it's so easy for them to make unattached friends they can
    a) fuck
    b) use as wingman
    c) trust to be there without hesitation every weekend to hold them up for the keg stand?
  • dcfaithfuldcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    I wouldn't measure your amount of "cool" according to the standards of college kids.

    Man, if being cool is keeping up with all these stupid ass fads (facebook, twitter, etc.), and pledging to a stupid fraternity and drinking your ass off until you can't even recognize yourself in the mirror...I'll fly my flag of lameness high.
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • CateetoCateeto Posts: 377
    dcfaithful wrote:
    I wouldn't measure your amount of "cool" according to the standards of college kids.

    Man, if being cool is keeping up with all these stupid ass fads (facebook, twitter, etc.), and pledging to a stupid fraternity and drinking your ass off until you can't even recognize yourself in the mirror...I'll fly my flag of lameness high.
    For the most part we have no desire to hang out with college kids... It's just that the average person here IS a college kid and that's part of the problem. There is a lot of assuming going on on their part and I guess you could say so with us too, but the thing that pisses me off is that no one even gets the time to know us. We're married so therefore we are labeled, while with college kids around here we see a lot of them and already know what type of person they are. Sure, there are the exceptions, but those are indeed hard to find, so I'm with ya there... I'll fly my flag of lameness high too!

    We've met a lot of cool people in town. There are a lot of friendly people here. But do you ever realize how awkward it is to start hanging out with someone? When you meet someone it's like an acquaintance and those people find awkwardness in just being asked to hang out. I sometimes wonder what it takes to make a new friend nowadays. Back in high school it was so much easier... Why do people have to have their guard up when it comes to making new friends?
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    Cateeto wrote:
    For the most part we have no desire to hang out with college kids... It's just that the average person here IS a college kid and that's part of the problem. There is a lot of assuming going on on their part and I guess you could say so with us too, but the thing that pisses me off is that no one even gets the time to know us. We're married so therefore we are labeled, while with college kids around here we see a lot of them and already know what type of person they are. Sure, there are the exceptions, but those are indeed hard to find, so I'm with ya there... I'll fly my flag of lameness high too!

    We've met a lot of cool people in town. There are a lot of friendly people here. But do you ever realize how awkward it is to start hanging out with someone? When you meet someone it's like an acquaintance and those people find awkwardness in just being asked to hang out. I sometimes wonder what it takes to make a new friend nowadays. Back in high school it was so much easier... Why do people have to have their guard up when it comes to making new friends?

    Time. Most people have jobs. They already have a circle of friends. The time it takes to chat, get to know somebody, plan get togethers... it just doesn't seem so worth it. Thus the popularity of online networking like facebook and this place... it allows for the kind of brief, inane banter that was so easy to do between classes in high school and college that led to you finding people to build friendships with. Post-college, you rarely find yourself in that kind of environment anymore.
  • CateetoCateeto Posts: 377

    Time. Most people have jobs. They already have a circle of friends. The time it takes to chat, get to know somebody, plan get togethers... it just doesn't seem so worth it. Thus the popularity of online networking like facebook and this place... it allows for the kind of brief, inane banter that was so easy to do between classes in high school and college that led to you finding people to build friendships with. Post-college, you rarely find yourself in that kind of environment anymore.

    Very true indeed. The internet is an awesome place to meet friends too. Years ago people used to label you as insane for meeting people online or chatting with strangers, but luckily most of those people have social networking sites now and bite their tongues... Still kind of bugs me that everyday people are too lazy to go out and make new friends, so in a sense I can see how technology is creating a gap between social interactions, but I still see the good. I guess that once people reach a certain point in their lives they begin to care less about potential friendships and become more stuck in a familiar crowd. Yuck.
  • dcfaithfuldcfaithful Posts: 13,076

    Time. Most people have jobs. They already have a circle of friends. The time it takes to chat, get to know somebody, plan get togethers... it just doesn't seem so worth it. Thus the popularity of online networking like facebook and this place... it allows for the kind of brief, inane banter that was so easy to do between classes in high school and college that led to you finding people to build friendships with. Post-college, you rarely find yourself in that kind of environment anymore.

    Yeah, very true soul. I also think time in the perspective that, for some people, with age and more years of social experiences...good, bad, happy, sad, getting close to another person whether it be friendship, or relationship, hell maybe even professional may appear to be more of a risk. I think we can all say we've experienced a relationship with a friend or whatever ending unhappily.

    A good example would be the common life lesson a young teenager makes, the one who will just play into the opposite sex's emotional game in hopes of a something bigger, but can't see what others see due to lack of life experiences. I've noticed a lot of older people have tougher shells, and naturally, have more individuality.
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • LauriLauri Posts: 748
    Hi Cateeto, I definitely feel what you are going through, and have a several points over the last 9 years! The past couple years I seem to have the opposite problem as you, that being single seems to be the problem! Too bad we don't live close to each other!

    I think it is generally very difficult for adults to make friends, unless they are all thrown into a group somewhere together. I think a lot of people make friends when they are all new to town or something! I think it is actually easier to start dating someone than make a friend, as it is seems more socially acceptable at times to pursue that type of relationship. I think people don't like to think they need more friends, that it's "cool" to seem like you are really busy all the time, etc. It's very unfortunate.

    I wish I had advice, but all I can do comiserate! (if I figure it out I will let you know!) I see what others have written about joining groups, etc, and I have not had much luck with these types of things (it can be ok for making acquaintances, but I've found it hard to get past that point). It's weird, I have real friends spread all over the country, but finding people nearby to see a movie with on friday night is the challenge!
  • CateetoCateeto Posts: 377
    Well, since starting this thread, I'd like to take the time to say that the last week has been most eventful in terms of meeting new people. We've been here for two years without really making any friends and then I start a Pearl Jam thread about it and suddenly new friendship opportunities arise. Huh. This board must be lucky :D

    Anyway, my husband's coworkers are excited to come over and hang out with us. We've gotten a few offers to go out to dinner and such. We're going to probably plan a nice bonfire for one of those nice summery nights... Should be quite refreshing to get to know new people and actually have some positive people to hang out with in this town.

    Another person struck up interest in hanging out with us after meeting at the laundromat. She looks forward to coming to the many parties we throw over here.

    So within a week we get a handful of new friends. That's cool by me!
Sign In or Register to comment.