Betterman.

IamTom · July 2019

Recently Given To Live had the privilege of taking Nicky and Ellie to their shows, Eddie Vedder and Andy Black respectively.

Betterman 💔 🎸 💔

I’ve watched couples slow dance to Betterman and not understood how people can slow dance to a song about abusive relationships. There’s people who don’t understand how I can see Pearl Jam again and again or why an Englishman will never get to bed before 4am in October because I love baseball and playoff time is something I look forward to for eleven months of the year. What’s important to us isn’t really important to others as long as we’re not hurting anyone in the process.

The song Betterman is about hurting someone. About being trapped in an abusive relationship and seemingly unable to keep the promise to leave. A promise so heartbreakingly easy to break as fear and often a belief fostered by the abuse and shame of broken promises eats away any belief that we’re worth more, something better.

It’s a song that has often moved me to tears at a show (Jeremy & Down also). Tears for those trapped, those praying for the strength to leave, those who never get to leave. Those in fear who say no officer, I tripped. Those who become a statistic.

Betterman became something different after Nicky’s Eddie Vedder show in Amsterdam. Her show, Given To Live honouring her journey, her courage. Also acknowledging the journey to healing has just begun as years of abuse takes time, compassion, empathy and gentleness to heal. A show, a trip, that gave so much validation to her choice to leave, to allow her children space free from fear. A show that gave life to one of the most extraordinary moments is GTL’s history.

A couple of hours before the show a conversation started in the sunshine in a bar opposite the venue. Not about which songs would hopefully be played or what Eddie would open with but a conversation amongst women who started to tell pieces of their own story. Nicky’s we knew and this gave permission to others to open up, the tell pieces of their stories...it happened to me, I remember what it was like watching my dad with my mum, it was terrifying, I’m angry my mum didn’t leave earlier, I know why she couldn’t. Being present to this courage and willingness to be vulnerable was both beautiful and a privilege. I thank all those courageous women.

If getting out was easy there would be no statistics, no need for shelters, no need for us to speak openly about this issue. There wouldn’t be children saving their mother’s lives or being taken into care. We all know they ‘should’ have left, no one knows this more than them and if it was easy they would have. I know I shouldn’t have been an uncontrollable drinker, an IV drug user and shouldn’t have ended up homeless but I was and I did. And I wanted to die and I didn’t and I’m writing this, writing this because we need more understanding of domestic abuse and violence, the victims need empathy and compassion. A hand held out rather than slapping them down with shoulds.

Nicky got in touch with us to ask us to take her to a show to apologise to her daughter Ellie. Ellie who saved her life aged fourteen. To say I’m sorry. Her remote, her guilt was palpable, her wish she’d left earlier eating her inside. And she did when she was able. Nicky and Ellie have a long road of healing ahead, a road that will be easier with love, compassion, understanding. And they’re not alone. Throughout the world are women, and men, who are in or are survivors of domestic abuse who need our compassion. We might reach our hands out in support but it might not be the time, try again another time.

I was lucky enough to see a couple more Eddie Vedder shows on this tour. Betterman got played and it’s story was heightened thinking of Nicky and how it was, for her, now past 4 o’clock. She had left.

If you know the song you’ll know that live, more often than not, there’s a Save It For Later tag. And each time, in my head, Ed had changed the lyrics to include...and Nicky left, and Nicky left, and Nicky left.

#BecauseYouMatter

#EddieVedder

#EddieVedder2019

#PearlJam

#DomesticViolenceDoesntBelongInTheShadows

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At Given To Live we can’t fix problems or wave magic wands. What we can do is our best to speak a truth with permission, allow our guests to know they’re valued and honour their journey. We don’t get funded by grants or have sponsors but damned if that’s going to stop us giving our best to our guests because they truly matter. If you would like to donate merch items for us to auction please PM alternatively this is the link to donate through our our PayPal -

donate@giventolive.com

We’ve added Women’s Aid’s (UK) 24hr freephone line here for those needing support and someone to talk to -

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

This link will be in the comments below and please feel free add any local helplines in your community.

Link to the story on FB -
https://www.facebook.com/814123041937589/posts/2928112480538624?sfns=mo

ed243421 · July 2019

❤️

manitouman · July 2019

Awesome-ness!!!

Betterman.

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