Don't force your children to hug relatives over the holidays?
DarthMaeglin
Toronto Posts: 3,031
Personally, I think this is going way too far, but curious to hear what others think. As one person commented on the article, they weren't raised to show physical affection amongst relatives, and they now have no memories of hugging their grandparents. I think the issue is more about teaching children the difference between good touching and bad touching.One other thing, it's somewhat troubling that they only mention girls, this would apply to all children, would it not?https://globalnews.ca/news/3873250/girl-scouts-children-consent-holidays/Girls Scouts has issued a reminder to parents about consent ahead of the holiday season.
The American organization wrote a blog post this week, urging parents to be mindful of their children’s comfort and not to pressure them to hug relatives. The blog post warns pressure to hug or make physical contact with others can give young girls the wrong idea about consent.READ MORE: Boy Scouts of America will now welcome girls into some programs“Think of it this way, telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn’t seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she ‘owes’ another person any type of physical affection when they’ve bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life,” the post reads. The blog post cites developmental physiologist Dr. Andrea Archibald, who explains that there’s often a misconception that consent doesn’t apply to children. Archibald explains that children pick up on these lessons at a young age.WATCH: Parents of Girl Guides respond to call to stop forcing kids to hug relatives during the holidays
“Plus, sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help,” Archibald said.Parenting expert Ann Douglas, from Peterborough, Ont., told Global News the message is important to send before the holidays.“The advice offered by the Girl Scouts really echoes what physiologists and other mental health experts have been telling parents for years, which is that our kids need to grow up knowing that everyone has the right to control what happens to his or her own body.”WATCH: #MeAt14 campaign aims to protect children from sexual predators
But the Girl Scouts’ blog, which has been shared thousands of times on social media, has garnered mixed responses.While some agree that children should be able to decline advances to physical interactions, others say it’s more complicated than that.“How can you justify this post?” Facebook user Tammy Newbold wrote on the organization’s page. “You make it seem like a hug to a family member will force a girl to make bad decisions later if a boy buys her a steak.”Another user by the name of Suzi Colasinski Trzcinski disagreed with the post, citing personal regret.READ MORE: Girl Scouts pull in $260,000 after donor says no money for transgender scouts“Disagree. I was never made to hug my grandparents, so I never did. They are all gone now and I have zero memory of hugging them. I regret that.”How to properly handle the situationWhile Girl Scouts discouraged forcing children to hug relatives, it noted showing affection or respect is still possible in many ways.“There are many other ways to show appreciation, thankfulness, and love that don’t require physical contact,” the post reads.WATCH: 5 ways to teach your child about consent
It says other actions such as a high-five, air kiss, or a simple smile, are more than enough.Douglas agrees, adding that avoiding physical contact can be as simple as saying, “Thanks, but I don’t do hugs.” A parent’s roleThe parenting expert notes, however, that sometimes the situations can be more complicated — that’s when a parent should step in.WATCH: Meet the transgender boy who helped change a century-old Boy Scouts policy
Sometimes, a relative can swoop in for a hug without evaluating the situation, Douglas says. Parents should be alert to these types of situations, read their child’s body language, and step in if needed.READ MORE: How one Canadian woman changed the parenting game with this baby invention“Let your child know that you are willing to be this trusted person for them, always,” she explains. “If they don’t feel comfortable saying to Uncle Fred, who they haven’t seen in five years, ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ they can just give you the look and you’ll step in.”WATCH: ‘Growing Strong Girls’ offers parenting advice for supporting pre-teens
“Plus, sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help,” Archibald said.Parenting expert Ann Douglas, from Peterborough, Ont., told Global News the message is important to send before the holidays.“The advice offered by the Girl Scouts really echoes what physiologists and other mental health experts have been telling parents for years, which is that our kids need to grow up knowing that everyone has the right to control what happens to his or her own body.”WATCH: #MeAt14 campaign aims to protect children from sexual predators
But the Girl Scouts’ blog, which has been shared thousands of times on social media, has garnered mixed responses.While some agree that children should be able to decline advances to physical interactions, others say it’s more complicated than that.“How can you justify this post?” Facebook user Tammy Newbold wrote on the organization’s page. “You make it seem like a hug to a family member will force a girl to make bad decisions later if a boy buys her a steak.”Another user by the name of Suzi Colasinski Trzcinski disagreed with the post, citing personal regret.READ MORE: Girl Scouts pull in $260,000 after donor says no money for transgender scouts“Disagree. I was never made to hug my grandparents, so I never did. They are all gone now and I have zero memory of hugging them. I regret that.”How to properly handle the situationWhile Girl Scouts discouraged forcing children to hug relatives, it noted showing affection or respect is still possible in many ways.“There are many other ways to show appreciation, thankfulness, and love that don’t require physical contact,” the post reads.WATCH: 5 ways to teach your child about consent
It says other actions such as a high-five, air kiss, or a simple smile, are more than enough.Douglas agrees, adding that avoiding physical contact can be as simple as saying, “Thanks, but I don’t do hugs.” A parent’s roleThe parenting expert notes, however, that sometimes the situations can be more complicated — that’s when a parent should step in.WATCH: Meet the transgender boy who helped change a century-old Boy Scouts policy
Sometimes, a relative can swoop in for a hug without evaluating the situation, Douglas says. Parents should be alert to these types of situations, read their child’s body language, and step in if needed.READ MORE: How one Canadian woman changed the parenting game with this baby invention“Let your child know that you are willing to be this trusted person for them, always,” she explains. “If they don’t feel comfortable saying to Uncle Fred, who they haven’t seen in five years, ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ they can just give you the look and you’ll step in.”WATCH: ‘Growing Strong Girls’ offers parenting advice for supporting pre-teens
© 2017 Global News, a division of Corus Entertainment Inc.
"The world is full of idiots and I am but one of them."
10-30-1991 Toronto, Toronto 1 & 2 2016, Toronto 2022
10-30-1991 Toronto, Toronto 1 & 2 2016, Toronto 2022
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Comments
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I hated hugging people and relatives I barely knew.
One things for sure, bro hugging needs to be outlawed
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Smellyman said:I hated hugging people and relatives I barely knew.
One things for sure, bro hugging needs to be outlawed
I once gave myself a bloody nose trying to get out of a hug with an aunt, now when I look back I just feel foolish, but at least I can laugh about it now. I get the "Aunt Bunny" distaste of children (my aunt isn't a Bunny, lol), but there are other lessons that are learned. Studies have shown that infants especially require physical contact and affection, and while we may not admit it even to ourselves, I don't think that need disappears as we get older.
More and more I see us turning into Asimov's Solarians.
"The world is full of idiots and I am but one of them."
10-30-1991 Toronto, Toronto 1 & 2 2016, Toronto 20220 -
DarthMaeglin said:Smellyman said:I hated hugging people and relatives I barely knew.
One things for sure, bro hugging needs to be outlawed
I once gave myself a bloody nose trying to get out of a hug with an aunt, now when I look back I just feel foolish, but at least I can laugh about it now. I get the "Aunt Bunny" distaste of children (my aunt isn't a Bunny, lol), but there are other lessons that are learned. Studies have shown that infants especially require physical contact and affection, and while we may not admit it even to ourselves, I don't think that need disappears as we get older.
More and more I see us turning into Asimov's Solarians.
Definitely, humans need touch, but that only applies to touch that is wanted and enjoyed.my small self... like a book amongst the many on a shelf0 -
I need a hug.Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/20140
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Question, did you ever hug your parents or siblings.Smellyman said:I hated hugging people and relatives I barely knew.
One things for sure, bro hugging needs to be outlawed
Second to that question is IF you did, was it meaningful or forced?0 -
Hell YES.oftenreading said:DarthMaeglin said:Smellyman said:I hated hugging people and relatives I barely knew.
One things for sure, bro hugging needs to be outlawed
I once gave myself a bloody nose trying to get out of a hug with an aunt, now when I look back I just feel foolish, but at least I can laugh about it now. I get the "Aunt Bunny" distaste of children (my aunt isn't a Bunny, lol), but there are other lessons that are learned. Studies have shown that infants especially require physical contact and affection, and while we may not admit it even to ourselves, I don't think that need disappears as we get older.
More and more I see us turning into Asimov's Solarians.
Definitely, humans need touch, but that only applies to touch that is wanted and enjoyed.
And tempo, hell yes too. Those were (and are) the best hugs, whether given or received. You just know when the vibe is right.
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Parents all the time. Two older brothers? heck no. Kicked them in the bean bags a few times.tempo_n_groove said:
Question, did you ever hug your parents or siblings.Smellyman said:I hated hugging people and relatives I barely knew.
One things for sure, bro hugging needs to be outlawed
Second to that question is IF you did, was it meaningful or forced?
Yeah, Mom was too huggy
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My two are adults they hug me..jesus greets me looks just like me ....0
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Hugs are great but forced hugs? I don't think so.
One of the things I learned when taking Human Services course is that very often hugging someone without cues that it is wanted or saying, "You need a hug," or "Let me give you a hug" is not the best choice. It can even be subtly dishonest. A better approach is to say, "May I give you a hug." It gives the other person the opportunity to opt out if that is not something they desire or need.
This idea is nicely summarized here:
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/can-hug-you
"It's a sad and beautiful world"-Roberto Benigni0 -
I completely agree with not forcing my kids to hug their relatives, or anyone, rather. My youngest doesn't show any interest in any type of affection at all, really. she is 8, and refuses to say I love you to anyone, except in print. she has issues with that, and that's fine. (incidentally, I refer to her to our friends as "Daddy's little unsub" (Criminal Minds reference) because of her apparent lack of empathy). I recall being forced to kiss my grandmas and aunts on the lips, and it was DISGUSTING to me as a kid. It is such a mixed message to tell a kid "this person can force themselves on you", but then turn around and try to tell them it's wrong when others, even people they trust, do it.
my parents get it now. but back in the day, they'd get angry if I tried to resist any unwanted affection, or even if I made it obvious.
personal space and respect of their own bodies and limits is incredibly important to teach at a young age. no exceptions.
this isn't a "oh, not another PC issue from this generation" issue. this is a serious issue of teaching kids confidence about their own wants and needs that could help them tremendously later in life.By The Time They Figure Out What Went Wrong, We'll Be Sitting On A Beach, Earning Twenty Percent.0 -
Kids should absolutely not be forced to hug or kiss anyone. I can't believe that parents do that. Now, a lot of kids (and adults) hug and kiss people out of their own sense of obligation. I know I still do that with some people - I just know that it's the polite/friendly thing to do because they like to give and get a hug, so I do it even though I'm not feeling it. Kids do that too, and that's fine. That is 100% up to the kid, and that's them learning how to decide between personal needs and the needs or expectations of others on a social level. There is a big difference between that and the kid actually resisting and being forced into physical contact anyhow. That is a no-no in my books. I'm thankful my parents never did that. The decision to hug a family member was completely up to me... and honestly, outside of my immediate family, I never wanted to hug a single one of them after the age of maybe 7, but I still did it anyway in some cases because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. And I'm glad I did. If I REALLY didn't want to do it, then I didn't, their feelings be damned, lol. I guess if I was THAT against hugging them, I didn't really care about their feelings as much as I did about others, haha.
Post edited by PJ_Soul onWith all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata0 -
I suppose I could be more in favour of this if there was equal emphasis placed on teaching other means of showing affection/respect/thanks.
As someone who’s not “touchy-feely” (please don’t read that as a slight to those who are), I get the hesitation some have. A line from Audioslave’s Cochise more or less sums me up: “I won’t hold your hand, but if it helps you mend I won’t stop it.”
I fully acknowledge this is a complicated issue, especially in the current environment of all these report of harassment and assault, and I’m coming to this as a non-parent, so can only really speak to my own experiences growing up. As I said above, I’m personally glad I was (at times) forced to give hugs, though I believe it was in my teens that hugs with male relatives transitioned into handshakes."The world is full of idiots and I am but one of them."
10-30-1991 Toronto, Toronto 1 & 2 2016, Toronto 20220 -
I think kids are perfectly capable of understanding the nuances of this issue. The average kid generally gets when a situation calls for some behaviour that doesn't come naturally to them. I really don't think not forcing your kids into physical contact with Aunt Ruth or weird Uncle Dan would have a negative effect on their general ability to show respect or to be polite. Now, if a kid refuses all affection, even from a loving mom or dad, or someone who they spend a lot of time with and are actually close to and love, then I would say a parent should perhaps be concerned. It could be evidence of some kind of attachment disorder, emotional issues, or even a sign that the kid is being abused by someone.
Post edited by PJ_Soul onWith all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata0 -
well, it definitely seems odd to us that our daughter is so anti-affection, but for her it's all about control. she'll instigate hugs when I'm leaving for work every day, and stuff like that (she's actually been very upset when I left without giving her one-like if she's taking too long and I leave cause I'll miss my bus), she just likes to be the one in control of it.PJ_Soul said:I think kids are perfectly capable of understanding the nuances of this issue. The average kid generally gets when a situation calls for some behaviour that doesn't come naturally to them. I really don't think not forcing your kids into physical contact with Aunt Ruth or weird Uncle Dan would have a negative effect on their general ability to show respect or to be polite. Now, if a kid refuses all affection, even from a loving mom or dad, or someone who they spend a lot of time with and are actually close to and love, then I would say a parent should perhaps be concerned. It could be evidence of some kind of attachment disorder, emotional issues, or even a sign that the kid is being abused by someone.By The Time They Figure Out What Went Wrong, We'll Be Sitting On A Beach, Earning Twenty Percent.0 -
If she is still initiating hugs and gets mad if she doesn't get one when she wants one, then she is probably not a sociopath.HughFreakingDillon said:
well, it definitely seems odd to us that our daughter is so anti-affection, but for her it's all about control. she'll instigate hugs when I'm leaving for work every day, and stuff like that (she's actually been very upset when I left without giving her one-like if she's taking too long and I leave cause I'll miss my bus), she just likes to be the one in control of it.PJ_Soul said:I think kids are perfectly capable of understanding the nuances of this issue. The average kid generally gets when a situation calls for some behaviour that doesn't come naturally to them. I really don't think not forcing your kids into physical contact with Aunt Ruth or weird Uncle Dan would have a negative effect on their general ability to show respect or to be polite. Now, if a kid refuses all affection, even from a loving mom or dad, or someone who they spend a lot of time with and are actually close to and love, then I would say a parent should perhaps be concerned. It could be evidence of some kind of attachment disorder, emotional issues, or even a sign that the kid is being abused by someone.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata0 -
I actually don't see it as a complicated issue at all. If the kid doesn't want physical contact, that is respected. case closed (in my eyes). my niece who is 5 will often hug everyone else in the family, and not me. no rhyme or reason, I know she loves me, we have a blast together, I've never done anything to her. but sometimes she just doesn't want to. and if she doesn't want to give me a hug, all good. I ain't gonna mess with a kid's head like that.DarthMaeglin said:I suppose I could be more in favour of this if there was equal emphasis placed on teaching other means of showing affection/respect/thanks.
As someone who’s not “touchy-feely” (please don’t read that as a slight to those who are), I get the hesitation some have. A line from Audioslave’s Cochise more or less sums me up: “I won’t hold your hand, but if it helps you mend I won’t stop it.”
I fully acknowledge this is a complicated issue, especially in the current environment of all these report of harassment and assault, and I’m coming to this as a non-parent, so can only really speak to my own experiences growing up. As I said above, I’m personally glad I was (at times) forced to give hugs, though I believe it was in my teens that hugs with male relatives transitioned into handshakes.By The Time They Figure Out What Went Wrong, We'll Be Sitting On A Beach, Earning Twenty Percent.0 -
As “weird Uncle Sandy” I get much the same reaction from my 2 nephews (whose parents get the boys to do the rounds and give everyone hugs at bedtime). We have great fun together, but I do see them being more affectionate with other family members. That said, I don’t force them to be more affectionate with me, but I also do greatly appreciate when it is shown. It’ll be interesting to see how things go with my weeks-old niece as she grows (she’s also geographically much closer than my nephews, don’t know if that’ll make any difference, lol).HughFreakingDillon said:
I actually don't see it as a complicated issue at all. If the kid doesn't want physical contact, that is respected. case closed (in my eyes). my niece who is 5 will often hug everyone else in the family, and not me. no rhyme or reason, I know she loves me, we have a blast together, I've never done anything to her. but sometimes she just doesn't want to. and if she doesn't want to give me a hug, all good. I ain't gonna mess with a kid's head like that.DarthMaeglin said:I suppose I could be more in favour of this if there was equal emphasis placed on teaching other means of showing affection/respect/thanks.
As someone who’s not “touchy-feely” (please don’t read that as a slight to those who are), I get the hesitation some have. A line from Audioslave’s Cochise more or less sums me up: “I won’t hold your hand, but if it helps you mend I won’t stop it.”
I fully acknowledge this is a complicated issue, especially in the current environment of all these report of harassment and assault, and I’m coming to this as a non-parent, so can only really speak to my own experiences growing up. As I said above, I’m personally glad I was (at times) forced to give hugs, though I believe it was in my teens that hugs with male relatives transitioned into handshakes."The world is full of idiots and I am but one of them."
10-30-1991 Toronto, Toronto 1 & 2 2016, Toronto 20220 -
my neice's issues might actually be my own fault. I'm not weird, but I love babies and toddlers (same thing with baby animals). I love their pudgy little cheeks and just how overall cute they are. So I'm the guy who's always "come give uncle paul a hug". So that might be part of it.DarthMaeglin said:
As “weird Uncle Sandy” I get much the same reaction from my 2 nephews (whose parents get the boys to do the rounds and give everyone hugs at bedtime). We have great fun together, but I do see them being more affectionate with other family members. That said, I don’t force them to be more affectionate with me, but I also do greatly appreciate when it is shown. It’ll be interesting to see how things go with my weeks-old niece as she grows (she’s also geographically much closer than my nephews, don’t know if that’ll make any difference, lol).HughFreakingDillon said:
I actually don't see it as a complicated issue at all. If the kid doesn't want physical contact, that is respected. case closed (in my eyes). my niece who is 5 will often hug everyone else in the family, and not me. no rhyme or reason, I know she loves me, we have a blast together, I've never done anything to her. but sometimes she just doesn't want to. and if she doesn't want to give me a hug, all good. I ain't gonna mess with a kid's head like that.DarthMaeglin said:I suppose I could be more in favour of this if there was equal emphasis placed on teaching other means of showing affection/respect/thanks.
As someone who’s not “touchy-feely” (please don’t read that as a slight to those who are), I get the hesitation some have. A line from Audioslave’s Cochise more or less sums me up: “I won’t hold your hand, but if it helps you mend I won’t stop it.”
I fully acknowledge this is a complicated issue, especially in the current environment of all these report of harassment and assault, and I’m coming to this as a non-parent, so can only really speak to my own experiences growing up. As I said above, I’m personally glad I was (at times) forced to give hugs, though I believe it was in my teens that hugs with male relatives transitioned into handshakes.By The Time They Figure Out What Went Wrong, We'll Be Sitting On A Beach, Earning Twenty Percent.0 -
Forced.........ehhhh, maybe not. But inferred,yes.
I dig the fact my 19 year old nephew who is almost a foot taller than me, has to bend down now, always has and still gives me a hug when we see each other. To each their own.
The poison from the poison stream caught up to you ELEVEN years ago and you floated out of here. Sept. 14, 08
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Hugs and kisses are the norm in my family.
I can see why some aren't used to it but we've done it all our lives.0
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