Adults who experienced their parent's divorce as children

stargirl69 · January 2011

I have read all the post's ... some heartbreaking stories,some with light,thank you for sharing.

My family situation has definitely impacted on relationships,I don't trust anyone but myself.

There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:
Dad was not a "bad" man,but there was emotional scaring as he had come from a very abusive background,grew up during WW11,he was an old school man,work and provide for you family,leave all emotion to the women.
He was ill equipped for a wife and family.

But my sister has just recently gone through her second divorce,first one had no children involved.I have to say I was utterly sickened at the shit she and her husband put their kids through for the four years it took to divorce ... and probably a good number of years of their 12 year marriage.
Each one of her kids are messed in their own way and I worry about the impact their home life will have on their future relationships,choices and mental health ... her youngest son is 12 and is already being seen by the child psychiatric team at out Children's Hospital.

I wish everyone well in finding their own peace

faceintheclouds · January 2011

my parents divorced when i was 2. then got back togeather when iwas about 13-14. then split again. and got back again when i was 28.
when i was young i was at ones house 1 day, and ones the next. it was kinda fucked. and on the weekends i was at a sitters house who ended up bieng like a mother to me. i wouldnt go back and change it even if i could.
now, im in the situation of my kids about to go thru it like i did. and im finding i dont want that so i stay.
there is quite a bit of yelling in my house and it just drives me crazy because thyre around it.

iluvcats · January 2011

faceintheclouds wrote:

my parents divorced when i was 2. then got back togeather when iwas about 13-14. then split again. and got back again when i was 28.
when i was young i was at ones house 1 day, and ones the next. it was kinda fucked. and on the weekends i was at a sitters house who ended up bieng like a mother to me. i wouldnt go back and change it even if i could.
now, im in the situation of my kids about to go thru it like i did. and im finding i dont want that so i stay.
there is quite a bit of yelling in my house and it just drives me crazy because thyre around it.

I'm sorry that you were back and forth, back and forth at their house's. It must have been tough on you.
Have you and your wife considered counseling? Since I grew up around constant fighting -- in my first love relationship, we fought alot....and I thought that was normal as that is what I was always around

I married him and constantly complained about him to others; one day, his friend's sister got sick of me and said, "how long are you going to stay in this relationship and put up with all that fighting?" It's what I needed to hear. But there were no children involved....but my point is that your kids could grow up not being peaceful like I was. I am an old lady now and I still have trouble with my constant criticism, which is what I grew up around.

faceintheclouds · January 2011

iluvcats wrote:

faceintheclouds wrote:

my parents divorced when i was 2. then got back togeather when iwas about 13-14. then split again. and got back again when i was 28.
when i was young i was at ones house 1 day, and ones the next. it was kinda fucked. and on the weekends i was at a sitters house who ended up bieng like a mother to me. i wouldnt go back and change it even if i could.
now, im in the situation of my kids about to go thru it like i did. and im finding i dont want that so i stay.
there is quite a bit of yelling in my house and it just drives me crazy because thyre around it.

I'm sorry that you were back and forth, back and forth at their house's. It must have been tough on you.
Have you and your wife considered counseling? Since I grew up around constant fighting -- in my first love relationship, we fought alot....and I thought that was normal as that is what I was always around I married him and constantly complained about him to others; one day, his friend's sister got sick of me and said, "how long are you going to stay in this relationship and put up with all that fighting?" It's what I needed to hear. But there were no children involved....but my point is that your kids could grow up not being peaceful like I was. I am an old lady now and I still have trouble with my constant criticism, which is what I grew up around.

im beyond counseling. it wont cahnge anything. i know that may sound selfish because im not willing to try it, but nothing is going to change. i just want her to end it. then i can just roll with it.

Vixen · January 2011

My folks split when i was 6, my mum left my dad.
I can remember crying for days and the pain inside was very close to the pain you feel when someone close to you dies.
All i wanted was my daddy back.
I had the hope of them getting back together strong in my mind for a good 6 or 7 years, not a day went by that i didnt think about it... also much like when someone close to you dies.
Eventually my dad met someone else became very happy again and married her, but this meant that he moved to a different state , Adelaide, which absolutely devastated me and my brother.
I was lucky to see him for a few days a year, and i cried every time i had to say good bye, often comforted by perfect strangers on the bus back to Melbourne, but i still stuck by him and loved and appreciated him more than ever.
My feelings towards my mum on the other hand became very negative, from the time she left my dad (i was 6) to the age of 18 when i moved out of home we had a very very bad relationship. I more or less blamed her for my sadness and she hated that i felt that way so blamed me for everything bad in her life (at least that was how i felt)
I am not going in to too much detail, that can stay repressed for now!!

Today i have a relatively normal relationship with both of my parents, i have come to accept they have separate lives, they have not spoken in 15 years and they may never speak again who knows?! Maybe at mine or my brothers wedding!
All in all, i have to say it was VERY VERY hard growing up with my mum and with out my dad, but i think i overcame that obstacle in adulthood and turned out to be a relatively normal ,happy, quirky person with a great sense of humor and overly passionate about things that i love but also EXTREMELY OVER PASSIONATE about things i hate !! haha

BhagavadGita · January 2011

faceintheclouds wrote:

iluvcats wrote:

faceintheclouds wrote:

now, im in the situation of my kids about to go thru it like i did. and im finding i dont want that so i stay.
there is quite a bit of yelling in my house and it just drives me crazy because thyre around it.

This is the saddest part of relationships that have come to an end and the ones who suffer the most are the children. Yelling around the house creates a feeling of not being safe. If the two people they count on more than anyone in this life can't get along, it's nauseating for the child. I know. My mother use to have rage/anger attacks at my step-father growing up. I can remember pots and pans being thrown around while she made dinner. The things they said to each other were horrible. Then when one would walk away, the other one would start on me. I don't know why me, never my sister.

The point is to not become your parents bad traits. Yes, you may eventually have to leave this situation and do what your parents did, but in this relationship, it would be a mercy killing. I'm sorry you live with all that yelling. Everyone deserves to be heard, but without the vocal violence.

one thing you might try is to never react to the other's yelling. Be mindful and silent and humble in your speech, no one can have a yelling match if the one refuses to participate in it or if you can't, take it to a place where the children do not see. I hope you find the peace of mind knowing you are a good parent, regardless.

faceintheclouds · January 2011

This is the saddest part of relationships that have come to an end and the ones who suffer the most are the children. Yelling around the house creates a feeling of not being safe. If the two people they count on more than anyone in this life can't get along, it's nauseating for the child. I know. My mother use to have rage/anger attacks at my step-father growing up. I can remember pots and pans being thrown around while she made dinner. The things they said to each other were horrible. Then when one would walk away, the other one would start on me. I don't know why me, never my sister.

The point is to not become your parents bad traits. Yes, you may eventually have to leave this situation and do what your parents did, but in this relationship, it would be a mercy killing. I'm sorry you live with all that yelling. Everyone deserves to be heard, but without the vocal violence.

one thing you might try is to never react to the other's yelling. Be mindful and silent and humble in your speech, no one can have a yelling match if the one refuses to participate in it or if you can't, take it to a place where the children do not see. I hope you find the peace of mind knowing you are a good parent, regardless.

[/quote]
thanks.

BhagavadGita · January 2011

One extremely uplifting truth is that when I was growing up, I swore I would never act like my mother in front of my child. I'm deeply grateful for that attitude because I never hit my child, I never swore or berated him, I promised him as a little boy there is nothing that he could do that would ever make me stop loving him.

Even though he has been living with his Dad 2000 miles away, when he comes to visit, we always get along so nicely. Because I have let him be who he is, he has come to me with truths I never thought a teenager would offer up on his own.

Even though there is separation, we are bonded by a pack, always remember he is a miracle. My son turned out perfectly fine and boy does that take a weight off my shoulders!

Plus...I took him to Deer Creek last year for his first Pearl Jam concert and the first words out of his mouth were about Ed. He said, "mom, wow, he is very intense." He sees what I see.

I feel so blessed even though my childhood was very dysfunctional, maybe I learned lessons that made me a better mom.

justam · January 2011

I appreciate all these open responses.

I'm thinking that perhaps once we have a large number, we can look at the common elements in all these stories and get a sense of what typically happens and how it typically affects the young people and then perhaps we can separate these experiences from us as individuals. Does that make sense?

In the same way that one can feel like a mugging in the park isn't an attack on an individual, it is a general attack on whoever happens to be there.

As kids, we just happened to be in the middle of some adult's bad situation. We took it personally because we couldn't choose NOT to be born into that family, but really, in the largest sense, it was kinda random that we landed in that situation from the womb rather than a better situation with different parents.

?? :idea:

number1PJfan · January 2011

My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. It was a complete surprise to me. I never saw it coming. My sister (17 months older) on the other hand, heard the fighting at night and knew of the impending doom. She never let me in on the secret for some reason. I guess to protect me. I was very attached to my dad. I was very much a daddy's girl. It devastated me when he left, especially when I found out he left for another woman who had a child. Why would he leave me for someone else? In a 10 year old mind that is what is being comprehended. I went through some abandonment issues then and went to counseling then. I worked through the issues. My sister suppressed her emotions, obviously, because as an adult she has been in and out of counseling several times. Who knows what determines how kids deal with divorce. We are two children from the same family that dealt with it in two very different ways. We were both effected by it greatly. She has been married twice now. Me just once. I have been with the same guy going on 20 years and I will do all within my power to make it work. There have been times when the going gets tough that she has just told me to give it up and leave because it is not worth it. But here I am, still fighting for what I believe to be a sacred vow I took. I have also chosen not to have any children (She has one that is the center of her universe). Why bring any more poor little souls into this fucked up world? I guess you could say I'm still a little jaded.

ZiggyStar · January 2011

Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.

tinkerbell · January 2011

My mum and dad seperated out of the blue when I was 11 and my brother was 9. (seems to be a trend here!) Unfortunately it was on their 18th wedding anniversary, which confused me a lot. They never fought in front of us and everything seemed normal (perhaps it wasn't so normal, perhaps I was just used to the way things were).

They made sure we knew it had nothing to do with us and that they just didn't love each other anymore (I found out years later that Dad had been cheating on Mum for years) they only told us what we needed to know at the time. We were excited as we had never moved house before and now we were getting 2 new houses, 2 lots of Xmas and b'day presents.

Mum had it hard for a while but she was strong for us and NEVER bad mouthed Dad in front of us. Dad moved into a little 2 bedroom unit and a month later his girlfriend started moving her stuff in. She was a bitch (who ended up cheating on Dad - KARMA) but her sons were awesome (one is like a brother to me). I helped split them up 2 years later :twisted: .

Mum remarried 2 years after splitting from Dad in '95. My step dad is a dick but they seem to be happy so eh. Dad split from bitch face and found an awesome new partner and got married in 1997. A year later my step mum had twin boys. All four of my parents seem to be in happy, healthy relationships - which at the end of the day is all that matters to me. At family get togethers they are always friendly. We even all had xmas together at my brothers last month and it was awesome.

My Dad was an awful husband to my Mum but he has always been an awesome Dad to my brother and I.

Loulou · January 2011

I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!

number1PJfan · January 2011

Loulou wrote:

I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!

My dad was the one who left and my mom was always really good about not putting him down or saying bad things. But my dad on the other hand always had negative things to say about my mom. He was the one who cheated and ran off to marry someone else yet he was always the one to trash talk my mom. I always respected her for that. She let us find out on our own what kind of person he was.

Loulou · January 2011

That's good. My hubby's Mum is the same about his Father. His Dad was very violent but she never put him down to the kids after they divorced. She even promotes their relationships. That's the way it should be I reckon.

number1PJfan wrote:

Loulou wrote:

I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!

My dad was the one who left and my mom was always really good about not putting him down or saying bad things. But my dad on the other hand always had negative things to say about my mom. He was the one who cheated and ran off to marry someone else yet he was always the one to trash talk my mom. I always respected her for that. She let us find out on our own what kind of person he was.

RKCNDY · January 2011

my parents divorced whe I was 2...so I don't have any memories of them living together. My mother constantly bad mouthed my father and would tell me, 'you can't see your dad unless he 'has the check''. I never knew what that meant...I was only 5 and telling my father that the only way he could see me was if he had a check. :? Whatever, at least he made it a point to take me to lunch every weekend and then to the park, or to buy me a toy (my mother would only buy me food and clothing). Every year, he'd take me to the state fair, and if he wasn't such a camera nut, I wouldn't have any pictures of me when I was a small child.

justam · January 2011

Loulou wrote:

I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!

Thanks for sharing your story.

justam · January 2011

number1PJfan wrote:

My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. It was a complete surprise to me. I never saw it coming. My sister (17 months older) on the other hand, heard the fighting at night and knew of the impending doom. She never let me in on the secret for some reason. I guess to protect me. I was very attached to my dad. I was very much a daddy's girl. It devastated me when he left, especially when I found out he left for another woman who had a child. Why would he leave me for someone else? In a 10 year old mind that is what is being comprehended. I went through some abandonment issues then and went to counseling then. I worked through the issues. My sister suppressed her emotions, obviously, because as an adult she has been in and out of counseling several times. Who knows what determines how kids deal with divorce. We are two children from the same family that dealt with it in two very different ways. We were both effected by it greatly. She has been married twice now. Me just once. I have been with the same guy going on 20 years and I will do all within my power to make it work. There have been times when the going gets tough that she has just told me to give it up and leave because it is not worth it. But here I am, still fighting for what I believe to be a sacred vow I took. I have also chosen not to have any children (She has one that is the center of her universe). Why bring any more poor little souls into this fucked up world? I guess you could say I'm still a little jaded.

I highlighted this part because I think that's what's tough about this issue. We all experienced it with the minds of children and unless we've been through a lot of counseling, these ways of viewing the experience live inside somewhere.

So many of these stories illustrate that we were dealing with very traumatic events without any guidance or help. In fact, when people had parents that hated the ex-spouse, it just kept the trauma going.

justam · January 2011

stargirl69 wrote:

There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:

stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.

Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:

It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!

number1PJfan · January 2011

justam wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:

stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.

Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:

It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!

When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.

Adults who experienced their parent's divorce as children

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