Distributing people's things when they die

Get_Right · May 2010

DinghyDog wrote:

dudes... seriously.. the will should dictate where everything goes. then there is nothing to be argued about.

wills aren't just for rich people.

best thing anyone could do when they think about death is to make a will even if it is for the simple stuff.

wills do not always include specific bequests for personal property-such as everyday items, furniture and other household articles-which what I think the OP is talking about-even if it does, the heir may not want all of the the items.

_ · May 2010

mickeyrat wrote:

have you given him ideas on whats important to you? and spoken with th erest o fth edfam to see what they remeber and may be important to them? That would help things I'm sure. Like that storage idea too.

Yeah, we're working on it. I feel a little awkward about it because we feel like everything is his, so we don't want it to seem like we're trying to take his stuff, ya know?

I'm particularly sensitive about it because I was accused by my grandfather of doing this when my grandmother died. In reality, he & I have just never gotten along. Plus, he was cleaning out the house saying everything was going to Goodwill, so I asked about everything I thought was important for fear it would otherwise end up at Goodwill.

We should all probably just not be so sensitive.

_ · May 2010

Get_Right wrote:

DinghyDog wrote:

dudes... seriously.. the will should dictate where everything goes. then there is nothing to be argued about.

wills aren't just for rich people.

best thing anyone could do when they think about death is to make a will even if it is for the simple stuff.

wills do not always include specific bequests for personal property-such as everyday items, furniture and other household articles-which what I think the OP is talking about-even if it does, the heir may not want all of the the items.

Yeah, that's kind of our situation. She was quite prepared for her death - she had already put her house in her grandsons' names, written her own obituary, & picked out the lipstick she wanted to wear at her funeral - so I don't think she neglected to make a will. I think she just figured everything in the house would go to my uncle, sincehe had lived there & cared for her for 23 years, and we all totally agree with that decision. It's just that we know he doesn't want EVERYTHING.

blondieblue227 · May 2010

scb wrote:

It's her daughter, my grandmother, in the picture. I'm a good girl, by the way. Yeah, it's awkward for people to give you things in anticipation of death. But, then again, she was 95 years old. We're surprised she lasted as long as she did. There comes a point where everyone just has to admit that a person is old as dirt and can't last much longer, ya know? My great-grandmother used to always talk about how old she was. She'd say she was old and we'd say she wasn't. Finally, when she got to be around 90, I just started agreeing with her. I figured it was just straight up dishonest to say she wasn't old.

sorry. i used to get a little mad when people here would think i was a guy too. even with blondie in my name. come on. so i took a real girlie pic for the pit and it hasn't happened since.

90 is amazing.
i agree with everything you said. it's healthy to face facts. if you're old you're old. it may upset some love ones to hear you talk so frank but i think it's really healthy.
personally i don't want to live that long. maybe 80. the worlds too hard / i can't imagine the shit i've had seen by then. i'm in my 30's and i'm sick of the worlds shit already. lol

JaneNY · May 2010

scb wrote:

Thanks for the advice. I'm really sorry you have to be the executor of your dad's estate, and especially that that means you lost your dad.

Thank you for that. It will be 3 years this memorial day.

What about if he was willing to put things in storage at the expense of the estate until you could get there? Then he wouldn't have to deal with space being taken up, but also the items could be preserved until you get there?

Thanks again for your kind words. I do still miss him.

_ · May 2010

blondieblue227 wrote:

sorry. i used to get a little mad when people here would think i was a guy too. even with blondie in my name. come on. so i took a real girlie pic for the pit and it hasn't happened since.

90 is amazing.
i agree with everything you said. it's healthy to face facts. if you're old you're old. it may upset some love ones to hear you talk so frank but i think it's really healthy.
personally i don't want to live that long. maybe 80. the worlds too hard / i can't imagine the shit i've had seen by then. i'm in my 30's and i'm sick of the worlds shit already. lol

No worries about thinking I'm a guy. There's really no way for you to know.

90 is amazing - and she was 95! I had a great-grandmother on the other side of my family who lived to be 97, so I'm thinking I just may live forever! I don't want to either. I agree that I'm sick of the world's shit. But if I do live to be that old, I sure don't want people to not admit that I'm old.

It's funny... I've taken a lot of videos of my great-grandmother, and last summer I had a new laptop with a webcam so I showed it to her and it was recording. She could see herself on the monitor and she said she looked old. So I looked at her and said, "Well you ARE old!" For her funeral, we made a video with pictures and some footage from the videos I had taken. Somehow that clip got put in there several times. So at the funeral there's this clip that played repeatedly of me telling her she's old. It was kind of embarrassing, but also kind of funny. I think people were a little shocked to hear me saying that to her - especially since it seemed like I said it over and over.

_ · May 2010

JaneNY wrote:

scb wrote:

Thanks for the advice. I'm really sorry you have to be the executor of your dad's estate, and especially that that means you lost your dad.

Thank you for that. It will be 3 years this memorial day.

What about if he was willing to put things in storage at the expense of the estate until you could get there? Then he wouldn't have to deal with space being taken up, but also the items could be preserved until you get there?

Thanks again for your kind words. I do still miss him.

I'm hoping he's not wanting to get rid of anything too big, so hopefully it won't take up too much room. Right now all we're asking him to save that he had planned to get rid of is boxes of clothes. (Much of her wardrobe was hand made by her or her mom - my great-great-grandmother!) It's a three bedroom house and he really only needs one bedroom, so if I can get out there this summer I'm hoping he can just store stuff in the spare room in the meantime.

Sian-of-the-dead · May 2010

I think it depends on the family.
I have two brothers and we all decided to leave decisions like what happened to my Dad's stuff, when he passed away last year, to my Mum.
My Mum has decided to keep some stuff, give some to us and to sell the rest. She's retired and since my Dad passed, a large chunk of the income for the household has gone. I can understand that she wants to secure herself financially. Also I think my Dad would've preferred his stuff (some of which was very specialised engineering, gardening, cycling and musical equipment) to go to a good home where it'll be loved and used.

It's taking my Mum a long time to get through his stuff though. When she does knuckle down and sort stuff out she gets very emotional and becomes unsure of what to sell or not. I've reassured her that it can't happen overnight and whatever she decides is right but it'll never be easy

Eraserhead · May 2010

Most of my dad's things went to the local charity shop, unless it had sentimental value, of course.

pandora · May 2010

scb wrote:

When someone in your family dies, what do you do about their things? How do you decide what to keep and what to sell or give to Goodwill? Of the things you keep, how do you decide who gets what?

All I can say on this subject is it should be an affair of the heart, often isn't, but that is what the dearly departed would want. I am sure you have a big hearted, fair minded, wise person to help, someone that the family collectively trusts and admires.
Perhaps that could be you. An energetic, young, smart woman, articulate, feels strongly on subjects, not just thinks strongly. Loved dearly by her family. A neutral, innocent, family figure with know how. Perhaps a rummage sale and a donation in her name, then the splitting of sentimental things. The menfolk living in the home would appreciate this. Its hard to grow old and when you find you are you also find the young are greatly admired for just that, being young.
It may not be a task you want but perhaps one you are suited for. Talk it over with Mom, she'll know.

Get_Right · May 2010

try to avoid the storage route
It only prolongs what is a painful process and it can get expensive if you end up keeping stuff there for years.
IMHO the decisions need to be be made sooner rather than later-I also think this is important to help the grieving process

I was able to sell a lot of my moms furniture through craigs list or through a local consignment shop-took awhile but in the end I donated two small pieces away-the rest was sold or put into my home.

of course, I have seven large rubbermaid containers of books, photos, scrapbooks and kitchen stuff in my basement-not sure what I will do with that stuff, but it cant be thrown out-someday I will go through it all with my kids and hopefully it will help them get to know our family a bit better
good luck

catefrances · May 2010

you know my grandma died in december 06 and ever since ive been working up the courage ask my da for her mantle clock that i know sits unused on shelf in his living room.

Distributing people's things when they die

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