Phantom's All Joke Thread !

124

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  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    The Human Body..


    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now.

    Men are still busy checking their thumbs....
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • norm
    norm Posts: 31,146
    Phantom Pain wrote:
    Men are still busy checking their thumbs....


    i'll admit...i thought about it :lol::lol::lol:
  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    FatStickPeople.jpg
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    The Negligee

    On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her

    wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE,

    and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'



    He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore

    that same negligee the night we were married'



    She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me

    that night?'



    He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the

    life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'



    She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's

    fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have

    to say tonight?'



    He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • dcfaithful
    dcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    Three men are taking a road trip together.

    They stop one night at a hotel, and the attendant at the counter says: "Well, I can give you a room...but the the only one left has just one bed..."

    The men look at each other, contemplating and then soon after say "Whatever, we'll take it."

    The next morning, one of them wakes up and says:

    "Man, I had this dream last night that I was getting this awesome hand job!"

    the second man says:

    "Hey, me too!!"

    The last man says:

    "Huh...I just dreamed I was skiing really fast."

    :D:D:D
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • dcfaithful
    dcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    Phantom Pain wrote:
    The Negligee

    On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her

    wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE,

    and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'



    He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore

    that same negligee the night we were married'



    She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me

    that night?'



    He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the

    life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'



    She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's

    fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have

    to say tonight?'



    He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'

    Oh my god! BAHAHA!! :lol:
    7/2/06 - Denver, CO
    6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
    8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
    9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
    9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
    9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
  • JD Sal
    JD Sal Posts: 790
    What's the difference between Jersey girls and Jersey trash?



    The trash gets picked up every once in awhile! :o
    "If no one sees you, you're not here at all"
  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    The One Cent Beer..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJ7vFIjgjfM
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • Who Princess
    Who Princess out here in the fields Posts: 7,305
    :lol:
    I was ready for this thread to be revived!
    "The stars are all connected to the brain."
  • Who Princess
    Who Princess out here in the fields Posts: 7,305
    A guy visited a whorehouse for the first time. When he got into a room with a hooker he started to undress. First he took off his shoes and socks.

    "Good lord, what's wrong with your feet?" said the hooker.

    "Oh, when I was a kid, I suffered from toelio," he told her.

    The guy took off his pants. The hooker gasped.

    "What happened to your legs?" she asked.

    He just shrugged and said, "When I was growing up I was really sick with the kneesles."

    Then he took off his underwear.

    The hooker said, "OK, let me guess. You've also had a bad case of smallcox."
    "The stars are all connected to the brain."
  • Lizard
    Lizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    A man walks into his psychiatrist's office naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.

    His dr. says "I can clearly see your nuts".
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • Who Princess
    Who Princess out here in the fields Posts: 7,305
    Lizard wrote:
    A man walks into his psychiatrist's office naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.

    His dr. says "I can clearly see your nuts".
    Didn't we already have that one? :problem: :shifty: :think:
    "The stars are all connected to the brain."
  • Lizard
    Lizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    whoprincess wrote:
    Lizard wrote:
    A man walks into his psychiatrist's office naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.

    His dr. says "I can clearly see your nuts".
    Didn't we already have that one? :problem: :shifty: :think:

    Probably.

    I did a search for "nuts" and did not see it!!! :lol:
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • Who Princess
    Who Princess out here in the fields Posts: 7,305
    Lizard wrote:
    whoprincess wrote:
    Lizard wrote:
    A man walks into his psychiatrist's office naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.

    His dr. says "I can clearly see your nuts".
    Didn't we already have that one? :problem: :shifty: :think:

    Probably.

    I did a search for "nuts" and did not see it!!! :lol:
    Well, it gets to be hard to tell unless you read the whole thread. But for some reason I remember that one! :oops:
    "The stars are all connected to the brain."
  • JD Sal
    JD Sal Posts: 790
    Q - There's 2 potatoes walking down the street. How do you know which one is the slut?

    A - The one whose shirt says I-D-A-H-O
    "If no one sees you, you're not here at all"
  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    So there is this class of 4th graders. The teacher says, "Who can name the person who made these famous quotes?"

    "Four score and seven years ago..."

    And one girl in the class shouts out, "Abraham Lincoln"

    "We Have nothing to fear but fear itself"

    Another girl shouts out, "John F Kennedy"

    At that point one of the boys in the class says, "I wish these bitches would shut up!!"

    and another girl shouts out, "I've got it! Tiger Woods!!"

    8-)
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    :geek:
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • Tenzing N.
    Tenzing N. Posts: 466
    The CIA was looking for a new sniper for a very special mission. They found the three best candidates from the military, police, etc.

    They brought the first candidate into the interview and told him "we need to find the best and have to trust that you'll do whatever we tell you. Down the hall and through the door sits your wife. Take this gun and go shoot her in the head. Kill her."

    "Oh no" he said, "I could never do that"

    The interogators thanked him and sent him packing.

    They brought the second guy in and told him the exact same thing: "down the hall sits your wife, take this gun and kill her."

    The second guy takes the gun, stands up and starts down the hall. Just before the door he hesitates, turns around and says "oh no- I could never do that."

    They thank him and send him on his way.

    By this time they were getting nervous but they brought in the third guy and told him the same thing: "down the hall sits your wife, take this gun and kill her and the job is yours"

    The third guy immediately stands up, takes the gun, runs down the hall, enters the room and before the door can even shut they hear three loud bangs and then a thump.

    They run down the hall and find the guy stanbing over his dead wife with a chair in his hands.

    "What happened?!?!" they yell

    He says "why didn't you tell me the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the b**** to death with a chair!"
  • Phantom Pain
    Phantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    For our Canadian friends



    Saskatchewan farm boy


    A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island
    and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store"
    looking for a job.

    The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

    The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan .'

    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
    'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
    did.'

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
    store was locked up, the boss came down.
    'How many customers bought something from you today?'

    The kid says 'one'.

    The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers
    a day. How much was the sale for?'

    The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

    The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

    The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
    medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
    new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
    said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
    went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
    Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
    I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
    Ford Expedition.'

    The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a
    fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

    The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy
    Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you
    should go fishing!
    My drinking team has a hockey problem

    The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill



    A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
  • force-10
    force-10 Posts: 794
    At a comedy festival, a ventriloquist starts the show with a squeaky voice: "Hello ladies and gentlemen! We´ll start this show with a joke about rednecks!"

    And a man stands up in the audience yelling, "hey asshole! Us southern folks are sick and tired of comedians like you making fun of us and shit. So if you continue I´ll get up there and kick your jewish ass!"

    To what the ventriloquist replies with his normal voice, "Listen sir, this is a comedy show. No harm is intended, its just an act. I mean no....."

    "I´m not talking to you, moron! I´m talking to that fucking midget on your lap!"
    IN THE DARK, ALL CATS ARE BLACK.

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