Phantom's All Joke Thread !
Comments
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A young boy asked his mother, "Mommy, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered "the other day daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary".
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edit: mistake...Post edited by Lizard onSo I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me0 -
:P
My drinking team has a hockey problem
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers0 -
Old Guy Wisdom
I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most of us old guys are helpful like that.My drinking team has a hockey problem
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers0 -
great thread....i don't have any jokes, but i've been having fun reading everyone else's!Need a tour Travel Agent??? Pick me :-)
Whatever you are, be a good one --Lincoln0 -
There was once an Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Irishman replied, "Keep the fucking egg!"Tír gan teanga, tír gan anam0 -
Paddy the Irishman is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I've got to try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
....And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."Tír gan teanga, tír gan anam0 -
I'll try this again:
So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me0 -
The first celebrity to fall victim to the SWINE FLU………………………………
And we all know who gave it to him…
My drinking team has a hockey problem
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers0 -
So this 75 year old man meets a beautiful 40 year old women on a singles cruise. They fall in love and get married. She still has her heart set on having children and her OB/GYN gave her the green light to try. The question remained whether the gentleman still had healthy sperm in order for them to accomplish this task.
Both of them go to a fertility doctor to have the gentleman tested. He is given a covered jar, and some dirty magazines and is show to a room where he is to produce a specimen
10 – minutes go by. Nothing
15 – minutes go by. Nothing
Finally after 20 minutes, his new wife and the doctor come to the door and ask the man what the issue is.
The man opens the door and walks out with a complete look of failure.
“ Doc, I tried for 10 minutes with my left hand, and then 10 minutes with my right hand. I’m sorry Doc, but I can’t get the lid off this jar!”0 -
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.." "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parkin g lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'. "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the wa y, what's in the other bag?"
“Well, you know", "not everybody pays". My drinking team has a hockey problem
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers0 -
i hear that jon and kate (jon & kate plus 8) are getting divorced. thats the first thing he has ever pulled out of.I'll be back0
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So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me0 -
How come cannibals don't eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Not the most hilarious - but easy for me to remember...0 -
A man walks into his house not too late at night after some drinks. He notices some suitcases and luggage and sorts in the living room.
He yells out in the most sweetest, excited and joyful way: "Who came to visit us, princess?"
The wife answers coming down the stairs: "You´re leaving asshole!"IN THE DARK, ALL CATS ARE BLACK.0 -
At the special olympics on the speakers:
Ladies and gentlemen. We will now start the swimming finals.
On the first lane, from the usa, John Mitchel. Who is missing one leg. (applause)
On the second lane, from Great Britain, David Waters. Who is missing an arm. (applause)
On the third and final lane, from Guatemala, Francisco Lopez. Who is missing both arms and legs. (applause)
The competition begins. Two men help Francisco throwing him in the water. He completely sinks, but he is fastly rescued. When reporters ask him what happened, he cries:
"Three years busting my balls with all the training every single day and now suddenly I get a terrible cramp in my left ear!"IN THE DARK, ALL CATS ARE BLACK.0 -
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe...............force-10 wrote:At the special olympics on the speakers:
Ladies and gentlemen. We will now start the swimming finals.
On the first lane, from the usa, John Mitchel. Who is missing one leg. (applause)
On the second lane, from Great Britain, David Waters. Who is missing an arm. (applause)
On the third and final lane, from Guatemala, Francisco Lopez. Who is missing both arms and legs. (applause)
The competition begins. Two men help Francisco throwing him in the water. He completely sinks, but he is fastly rescued. When reporters ask him what happened, he cries:
"Three years busting my balls with all the training every single day and now suddenly I get a terrible cramp in my left ear!"Take me piece by piece.....
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....0 -
Two midgets go on a weekend bender in Vegas. They aren't doing too well at the casinos, so they decide to each pick up a hooker and go upstairs to their respective rooms, which are right next door to one another.
The first midget gets his hooker up to the room, and realizes he's had too much to drink. He can't get it up. He gets pissed, kicks the hooker out and tries to go to sleep.
As he's lying there, he hears the following coming from the other midget's room: "One. Two. Three .... GRRRRRUNT!!!! One. Two. Three. GRRRUNNNT!!!"
Next morning, the two midgets meet in the hallway on the way to breakfast. They begin to compare notes.
First midget says, "Goddammit. Not only could I not get it up, I had to sit there and listen to you have sex with that hooker all night."
Second midget says, "What the hell are you talking about? I couldn't even make it up onto the bed."everybody wants the most they can possibly get
for the least they could possibly do0 -
This is an oldie in guatemala...
At the guatemalan annual medical care convention there were down to three doctors to be given the annual Best Life Improvement Operation Award.
The first finalist: "This patient came for my assistance with no legs. I treated him and now he participated in the recent national marathon!"
The second finalist: "This patient was loosing his vision when I first received him. After he finished my treatment he continued to be a productive color specialist at a local paint factory!"
"A man walked into my clinic not knowing where he was. I felt sorry for him and noticed something wrong. After I examined him, I reconned he was lacking a fully functional healthy brain. After my treatment he was elected President of Guatemala!"IN THE DARK, ALL CATS ARE BLACK.0 -
A woman was shopping for shoes and an old shoe salesman was helping her out.
"listen sir, I don´t want white shoes and I don´t want black shoes"
And the old man went to search through the boxes that were a little high on the shelves. Came back with some shoes.
"See, I don´t want pointy shoes and I don´t want round shoes"
So he went back and continued to reach out for boxes and more boxes.
"OK, look sir. I don´t want high heels and I don´t want flat heels"
And he went back and reached for a lot of boxes and turned the little warehouse upside down and boxes were all around and finally came back with some more shoes.
"Alright sir, I don´t like any of those. Thanks for your time"
"Hey listen lady. Why don´t you give me a kiss behind."
"WHERE!!??"
"I don´t want it on the left cheek and I don´t want it on the right cheek!"IN THE DARK, ALL CATS ARE BLACK.0
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