Phantom's All Joke Thread !

Snake · November 2008

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... "bum bum chhh"

muiren77 · November 2008

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come
about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had
children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The
father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we
developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is
it possible that you told me that the human race was created by
God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you
about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told
you about his side.

Fender_Man · November 2008

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

corduroid · November 2008

A man is quietly working on the Sunday crossword in his study when the wife comes in. "Say, hon," he says. "I'm a bit stuck. Do you know a four-letter word for woman that ends in -U-N-T?"

"Hmm," says the wife "I do, yes. A-U-N-T"

"Ah ... that's it. Got an eraser?"

Linda · December 2008

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dick'ead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Linda · December 2008

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

pjfan31 · December 2008

A priest was sitting in on a confesional when he realised he needs to move his car to avoid a parking fine. He runs up to the alter boy and says 'My son, I know it is highly un-ethical but will you take my place in the confessional?" "But father, it is wrong and I would not know what to do." The preist responds "My child, just think what I would do and issue a pennance."

So the alter boy took his place in the confessional and a man comes in and says "forgive me father for I have sinned. I have been having an affair with my neighbour, I have been receiving blow jobs and anal sex" The boy jumps up and runs out of the confessional box to his alter boy friend. "What does father normally give for anal sex and blow jobs?" The other boy replies "Oh, usually a bag of chips and an ice-cream"

allmyrivals · December 2008

What is an oboe good for?

Kindling for an accordion fire.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

nuffingman · December 2008

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife pipes up with,

"Men just cannot do two things at once…" At this I interrupted and said, "actually I can."

"Give me an example," she said.

"Well, while I was banging you last night I was thinking about your friend."

Phantom Pain · December 2008

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned
the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could
help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that
he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough
for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me
for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and
$3,000 a month, plus living expenses."

Phantom Pain · March 2009

Back by popular Demand..... :P :P :P

THE BAR JAR

A fellow walks into a bar,

notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be

more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,

'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and

if you pass three tests,

you get all the money and

the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first....

Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,

the man gives the bartender the $10

and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,

'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,

in a minute or less, and

you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs

who has never had sex.. ...

You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.

'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it!

You'd have to be nuts

to drink a quart of tequila, and

then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....

'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and

the man has a few more drinks,

he finally says,

'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands

and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks...

but he doesn't make a face, and

he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,

where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear

growling , biting, and screaming sounds..

then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that

the man surely must be dead,

he staggers back into the bar,

with his shirt ripped open

and there are scratches and

he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,

'Now where's that old woman

with the bad tooth?'

Phantom Pain · April 2009

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside..

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,

"are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,

"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Lizard · April 2009

for those last 2!

thanks for the morning

petrocs · April 2009

I got a good one...ready...ok...here it goes...

Phantom Pain · May 2009

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained. .

'The egg timer is broken'

Phantom Pain · May 2009

Little child's prayer shared with his teacher in Sunday School:

Lord, in this year,
please send clothes
for all those
poor ladies
in Dad's computer.

dcfaithful · May 2009

A man and his grandson go out for a nice day of fishign together.

Couple hours into the trip, out in the middle of the lake the old man reaches into the cooler and pulls out a cold beer, cracks it open and begins drinking. The grandson says "Hey, can I have one of those?"

The grandfather replies, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
The grandson answers "No." and turns away continuing to fish.

Hours later the old man reaches in the cooler, and pulls out a cold beer in the same fashion.

The grandson says "Hey, can I have one of those?"
The grandfather replies "Does your dick touch your asshole, yet?"
The grandson replies "No." and continues to fish.

Near the end of there trip together as they're at the dock, the grandfather tells the boy to go sit in the truck and wait while he trailers up the boat. Once the job is finished, he hops in the truck and sees the boy eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and asks "Hey, can I have a bite of that?"

The grandson replies "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
The grandfather answers "It sure as hell does!"
The grandson says "Well then go fuck yourself, grandma made this for me!"

pearljim · May 2009

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'cause he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

Phantom Pain · May 2009

HaHaHa!!!

rhcpjam1029 · May 2009

ok so a family of four walks into a talent agency office...

Phantom's All Joke Thread !

Comments

Categories