Tweak

FinsburyParkCarrots
FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
edited January 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
This is tonight's tweak of an earlier piece:

A surge curl,
a balleen laugh,
a massing finsplash
dorsal plains turn in surf.

Ocean forests breathe
between grooves in twenty throats
Whitened viscous curves
splay burbling vistas of foam.

Gyrating masses splash back
tendril reed orbits.
Giddy jellyfish flip
current-bound

under whipping flukes.

Together they forage, these dancers.
Together, they are tasking this sharing of krill.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    That should read

    A surge curl,
    a balleen laugh,
    a massing finsplash:
    Dorsal plains turn in surf.

    Ocean forests breathe
    between grooves in twenty throats
    Whitened viscous curves
    splay burbling vistas of foam.

    Gyrating masses splash back
    tendril reed orbits.
    Giddy jellyfish flip
    current-bound

    under whipping flukes.

    Together they forage, these dancers.
    Together, they are tasking this sharing of krill.
  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    This doesn't look like a style you write in frequently, I must say though I find myself confused by some of the images, I think particularly the forest imagery, I'm not sure why or how it fits in because I can't picture it, and the last line I think is hurt by the nominalizations of two words....umm, ok I'm done trying to tear this down, sorry Fins, I'm gonna have to say out of the 17,000 pieces of yours I've read, I don't think this particular one quite works yet. But I still love you...

    cheers

    ETE
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    That's why I'm asking with this one. I know there's something in there trying to get out. :)
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Whales surge and curl, turning in surf.
    Massing in finsplash, churning an ocean
    they spray vistas of dorsaled foam.

    Tendril reeds splash back. Jellyfish,
    giddy, flip from fast sea whipping flukes:
    airwheeled, wave tossed.

    Whales feast. Now, gushing, noonsunned,
    fishrush waters break:
    In black, whales share their tasking of krill.
  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    All the ambiguity is gone now, very good changes. This will be a perdy poem yet.
  • Pearl_Jam_Necklace
    Pearl_Jam_Necklace Posts: 501
    EvilToasterElf wrote:
    All the ambiguity is gone now, very good changes. This will be a perdy poem yet.

    i like it,too..
    ...It's only after disaster that we can be resurrected...
    it's only after you've lost everything ...that you are free to do anything....(Fight Club)

    ... I'll ride the wave...where it takes me....
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Thanks ever so much, Pearl_Jam_Necklace. :)

    Still tweaking. Hope I'm not boring anyone by posting the composition process. For me, it's helpful to do this in public and get feedback.

    Whales surge and curl
    in surf, massing, splashing.
    They churn a deathwhite brine.
    Sea vistas road an ocean exodus
    of huddling shoals, turning a fleeing foam.

    Jellyfish splash back,
    tendrilling sea reaches. Tiddlers reel
    from one whale's fast whipping fluke;
    a spangling wave grasps out
    to catch these skythrown gasping silverings.

    Dorsals push, fishrush waters spill.
    Little mouths clutch waterless sky,
    and shadows home down,
    down on the seabrim's crashing massing dazzle.
    Whales share their tasking of krill.
  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    You're digressing into more nominalizations again, unless you're doing it intentionally, although I do like the word "tendrilling"

    "Sea vistas road an ocean exodus of huddling shoals" - i think this sounds prettier than conventionally conveying an image, I'm a little confused by it

    but this is going to be so worthwhile when you get it to say exactly what you're feeling about these breathtaking creatures
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    I'll keep at it. ;)
  • Ali
    Ali Posts: 2,621
    I liked the original.It was different in poetic form and structure.
    Sorry folks:):):);0;););0
    A whisper and a thrill
    A whisper and a chill
    adv2005

    "Why do I bother?"
    The 11th Commandment.
    "Whatever"

    PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?

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