Need's a name and work.... about life and society

JesusTheTerrorist
JesusTheTerrorist Posts: 37
edited September 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Well... this is about self-evolution kind of. About.... a realisation.... well I hope it comes across in the poem without me having to explain it.
I need a better structure but I'm bad at that kind of stuff.

Please please criticise... creatively of course! And I would appreciate feedback on the words in brackets or with a dash.... Woudn't mind a name either!!!



Let it melt away, watch it fall by your feet
Smile as the world falls apart, silently
Only you can see it now, it's gone forever
Crawling from their ruins, the lies reach out to you
(But) You're untouchable now, you know the truth

You accidentally found your sight
Somebody showed you, now you can see (you were shown, now you can see)
Looking beyond the facade of life
You see it's meaning, it's so simple

Wondering how you believed those lies
How you didn't see before, (and) how they don't see now
You let those questions fall with the world
They don't even matter anymore

Rise above, fly away, over the ruins of your life
Laughing as you watch your former self
They're scrambling around picking up the pieces
Don't know what they're doing, don't see the point

You fought anyway, held on to those lies
But then you saw/caught a glimpse of truth
Let go of it all and left with nothing
Now you kow what it really means to see,
You're free
"Provided there are no pre-conditions"

Originally posted by MrBrian -

"one day a country may just liberate america, what will you say then?"
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    yay....I'm not banned....yippe hippie....heheheheheh!!!!!!

    okay....here we go....first off, I like this poem very much.....the imagery is great......the ideas of resurrection and liberation.....if there need to be any changes......I'm not sure what they are.....so I'll read it again to see if I can offer any constructive advice.....

    I played around with it a bit....let me know whether the changes are okay with you....
    Let it melt away; watch it fall apart.
    Smile as the world disintegrates, silently.
    Only you can see it now - it's gone forever.
    Crawling from their ruins, the lies reach out to you.
    But you're untouchable now, you know the truth.

    You accidentally found your sight.
    You were shown, now you can see.
    Looking beyond the facade of life,
    you see its meaning (it's so simple).

    Wondering how you believed those lies.
    How you didn't see before. How they don't see now.
    You let those questions fall away -
    They've lost their relevance.

    Rise high, fly over the ruins of your life,
    laughing as you watch your former self.

    They're scrambling around picking up the pieces.
    They don't know what they're doing -
    they don't understand

    You fought anyway; held on to those lies
    But then the truth was revealed
    Unveiled, stark and bright.
    Now you know what it really means to see;
    You're free!
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    it's too personal. that is to say, it's yours. i can't make an honest critique without considering the source, which is you.
  • violet ray
    violet ray Posts: 502
    oh it came across alright, loud and clear...
    loved it.
    You ask me to enter
    But then You make me crawl
    And I can't be holding on
    To what You got
    When all You've got is hurt
    ----
    Underneath this smile lies everything
    All my hopes and anger, pride and shame
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by violet ray
    oh it came across alright, loud and clear...
    loved it.

    may i say, you're sweet.
    i won't retract what i posted earlier, and there is a flow, and a spark there, but...
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    the colors are appropriate. i love that. it suits.
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    i'm way too over-critical, i think. who knows?
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    fucker.
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    "life and society"
    what the fuck, man
    you could do better.
    i'm done.
  • violet ray
    violet ray Posts: 502
    Originally posted by windedsailor
    may i say, you're sweet.
    i won't retract what i posted earlier, and there is a flow, and a spark there, but...

    thank you

    but i'm not...i'm in selfish mode. it seems i can twist any of my interps to make so many of the poems in this forum relate to me and what i know/have seen :)

    either that or too many of us here are alike in our experiences.
    You ask me to enter
    But then You make me crawl
    And I can't be holding on
    To what You got
    When all You've got is hurt
    ----
    Underneath this smile lies everything
    All my hopes and anger, pride and shame
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by violet ray
    thank you

    but i'm not...i'm in selfish mode. it seems i can twist any of my interps to make so many of the poems in this forum relate to me and what i know/have seen :)

    either that or too many of us here are alike in our experiences.

    violet ray is the eel
    she brings sensibility in bites
    of plankton
    in the hearts
    of whales.
  • violet ray
    violet ray Posts: 502
    Originally posted by windedsailor
    violet ray is the eel
    she brings sensibility in bites
    of plankton
    in the hearts
    of whales.

    hmm...
    You ask me to enter
    But then You make me crawl
    And I can't be holding on
    To what You got
    When all You've got is hurt
    ----
    Underneath this smile lies everything
    All my hopes and anger, pride and shame
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by violet ray
    hmm...

    hmmm?
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by violet ray
    hmm...

    violet ray is the eel
    she brings sensibility in bites
    of plankton
    in the hearts
    of whales.


    __________________

    it's a good thing
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    Hi, personally, i like stories in poetry. However, no matter what poetry I write I remember words of my friend from 11 years ago, Time and Place, Time and Place. It grounds any poem. Where, what, when, is something to think about when writing Haiku, and I think it applies to any poem.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by Bibliobella
    Hi, personally, i like stories in poetry. However, no matter what poetry I write I remember words of my friend from 11 years ago, Time and Place, Time and Place. It grounds any poem. Where, what, when, is something to think about when writing Haiku, and I think it applies to any poem.

    too many rules, but i like the colors
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    Hi There! Maybe it sounded harsher than it really is. Here is an example from windedsailor's poem:


    i'll take that dark road
    stand on the highway
    with my thumb out


    just a little something that a reader can grab onto, possibly saw a picture of what is happening, possibly did it him or herself; a signpost of the poem. This is how I saw this portion of yeah, it is pearl jam. There's obviously more to the poem, but it was a signpost to me.

    so, in this case, what happened before the:

    crawling from their ruins

    what was ruined?
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by Bibliobella
    Hi There! Maybe it sounded harsher than it really is. Here is an example from windedsailor's poem:


    i'll take that dark road
    stand on the highway
    with my thumb out


    just a little something that a reader can grab onto, possibly saw a picture of what is happening, possibly did it him or herself; a signpost of the poem. This is how I saw this portion of yeah, it is pearl jam. There's obviously more to the poem, but it was a signpost to me.

    so, in this case, what happened before the:

    crawling from their ruins

    what was ruined?

    are you talking to me?
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    Hello! I'm not really writing to anyone in particular, but JesusTheTerrorist. I used your poem as an example because it is a recently posted poem, so JesusTheTerrorist could read the entire poem and get an idea of what I was writing about. I hope you don't mind my using your poem as an example.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • windedsailor
    windedsailor Posts: 98
    Originally posted by Bibliobella
    Hello! I'm not really writing to anyone in particular, but JesusTheTerrorist. I used your poem as an example because it is a recently posted poem, so JesusTheTerrorist could read the entire poem and get an idea of what I was writing about. I hope you don't mind my using your poem as an example.

    not at all. i'm a little slow this time of the morning. sorry.
  • violet ray
    violet ray Posts: 502
    Originally posted by windedsailor
    violet ray is the eel
    she brings sensibility in bites
    of plankton
    in the hearts
    of whales.


    __________________

    it's a good thing


    couldn't tell,
    thanks for clearing that up :)
    You ask me to enter
    But then You make me crawl
    And I can't be holding on
    To what You got
    When all You've got is hurt
    ----
    Underneath this smile lies everything
    All my hopes and anger, pride and shame

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