poem: ol' man light a cigarette (january 31, 2002)

chadwick

one last puff
another drink
somehow inner demons reign
if none of us battle
then we are not living along the blade held

giants gather courtside
trees apples blossom
your birth new & old both
while the killer of islands
raises you to be a man

thrust ahead fighting like a ram
the mountain you could have been
many thought you were
the law was laid down firmly
etched internally eternally
your scars

gather your friends
break some bones for innocence (nicely done)
nowhere to run hurting little ones

drive your hitman
boom a hole
her brain splattered across black ops
rivers away exploding nightmares (are songs)
will haunt all your days
red alert flashing overbearing

just drink your whiskey
do your fishing
& shut the fuck up

TalonTedd

Can I send this one too my dad? At Christmas.

chadwick

i'll sell you a copy for your day for christmas. it is $5 & would have my name on it.
why though, your dad a badass too?

TalonTedd

Maybe in different ways, he was a cop....and like most cops he wouldn't be questioned, that was for him to do. He also coached boxing. So I boxed, was pretty good too, won championship's'. Then I decided it was barbaric...like some cops. So I'll have as little to do with either for my liking. I'll give the old man a heads up here and there. We mostly talk about my kids and his boxing club....and that's about all. Hey at least he shined a light on what I didn't want for my life. I sometimes regret not following his lead and coaching at the club; if only to make him happy. I just seen a lot of damaged people and I can't in good conscious perpetuate it. I know it disappoints him....I won't deceive myself. Each year we talk less and he drinks more.
Your poem definitely made me think of him. And that is ok. The past could have been worse and I'll take what I learned from him and make my way. It shine a light and gives bearing. I have two young boys and I swore before I ever had them that when I was a father, I would be there to teach my boys and not everyone else's. at the expense of my boys. I sit with them time and again and read poetry from the members....The softer one's, for now. Yours will make a cameo in their teens'.

chadwick

what a wonderful message. thank you for sharing about your family. i'll now share with you

boxing is a lot of work. my two brothers & i was in the boxing club over here. i got in there in 3rd grade & boxed until 7th grade. it was good stuff. great physical work.

dad & mom ruled like a military bootcamp. fucking around at bedtime meant lining up & holding out your shoes or a stack of books or something until your arms couldn't take it & do 100 push ups & 100 set ups or go outside & run laps around the yard in our underwear.

dad worked at the ISP (iowa state penitentiary) 30 yrs. before that spent four yrs in the navy fucking around. basically a lifetime of violence & nasty bullshit. dad's dad was a wwII badass killer on the islands. time for games & fucking around? not really

it is a great deal of work to even come close to filling these shoes. so because of that, it is 'ON-time' all the time. the older i have gotten the more failure bothers me. things could have been better that's for sure, like less alcohol. i've rebuilt my life countless times. it is difficult

enjoy your family. yes teach your kids how to fight. alcohol abuse... not a good idea. dad has been dead 12 yrs now & was a complete disaster & psychopath

TalonTedd

Chadwicked
If I could, I would fill your glass and give you the shirt off my back right now. You and I have lots to share. I remember being made to kneel on dry peas in a corner for an hour or so after proving myself to be a "dummy" pretty much on a daily basis. My older brother wasn't much better. If he wasn't too busy slaughtering any creature that crossed his path he would find time to realize his torturous ideas on me...each and every day. Ah the times we shared. Brings a tear to me eyes'. But I shouldn't be too harsh, he was after all the trail blazer and he had to go to an all boys choir school on top of it all. Man could he hold a note....and a throat. Oddly enough he is one of the more thoughtful and considerate people I know these days. He has struggled with his demons a long time now. Fucking amazing the effect a father has on his kids. When I have to be firm with the boys I can hear elements of the old man in my voice. However the words and directions are nothing like his, and that is considered. I will never attack their self esteem that harshly or will I ever resort to any kind of violence. The people I know that are the best adjusted in this world had parents that never did things that way. And my boys are everything to me.
I know your pain brother...I really do. So let me share my definitive answer to the old man question with you.
I first considered his childhood deeply. Talked to his siblings and painted a picture of his youth, words like poverty, violence, Irish Catholic, youngest of three, and others began to fill the scene. Then I rationalized why he overachieved so much and why he was so short on temper and patience. Can't really go into it because it would take a book but the result was me being able to understand this. He had it pretty hard growing up. He worked hard and was a honest broker in the world. When his ship came in, he set sail and how could I (now understanding adult world much better) blame him for that. Sure he could have done things better and just been more fucking patient for Christ's sake. But, I laid my resentments and anger to rest for the most part. I also understand that most all of us have these kind of issues to deal with and somehow the world goes on. So my man I wish you all the piece you can have with the old man and may you make tomorrow yours. I think you are a considerate and straight shootin' dude and I like that in a friend. Peace.....But whatever you do don't mellow so much that you stop writing with that edge that is sharply you! Your one of my favorite authors in this club.

chadwick

Talon,

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot & whatnot. I'm not sure what to say.

The old man was the only child to Mildred & Harold born May 14th 1949. Grandpa... a picture we have of gramps on some battle worn island in the pacific theater is tattooed on my L chest. As time goes on it means more & more to me. You've seen the movie 'Pulp Fiction'?

Well, one morning after a 3 day & night battle Harold & his buddies decide to go walking about to look for survivors & the dead. Gramps stumbles across a fox hole with a U.S. soldier & Japanese soldier in it; they died in one another's arms from hand to hand combat.

Buried in the Japanese gentleman's kidney was the U.S. soldier's trench knife. Ugly, ugly stuff. Harold removes the knife & keeps it & gives it to his son. Dad played with that knife countless hours. When dad had a family us boys all messed around with that knife. It is on my night-stand along with some of my other knives. This knife means more to me than anything I've ever had or will have, like that watch in Pulp Fiction. It's exactly like that

Gramps never missed a single day of work when he came back from the war. 30 years or some shit without a sick day he drug his sorry ass into work. I'm not that tough but I am supposed to be. How?

Harold made sure dad was raised up tough as nails. Grandpa was one of those WWII badasses that didn't fuck around. The old man inherited those ideals rather he liked it or not. Gramps was also a perfectionist & did not ever fail. Back on those pacific islands he & his buddies often times didn't have any food so they ate snakes, spiders other insects & monkies.

Yeah I understand about folks with zero patience.

After the fighting when back home in Iowa, the family gathers around one evening for dinner & cards (for money). One of Harold's sisters' husbands says, "thank god the war is over, I was sure getting tired of working 12 hour days 7 days a week at the factory" Grandpa about leaped over the table to throttle that fucker.

Grandpa & dad are both my heroes. Although dad & I fought like cats & dogs half the time. Dad also endorced alcoholism like it was common knowledge for teenagers to drink heavily. He could have/should have been a better man, a better father. The old man had more lady friends than you could shake a stick at. Pretty sad stuff actually. Dad did all sorts of things; things I will not go too much into detail about. He had a lifetime of violence & good times & dead as a doornail at 52. Gramps & dad both lived the lives of 40 men, dad even moreso.

Thank you for sharing, Tedd. I'm still trying to figure out what kneeling on dry peas is all about. They are so dry & hard they do not crush easily under one's knees? I would imagine that sucks frickin ass

Aafke

Hi Chadwick and Talon,

I don't know how to respond to your posts, but I feel the urge to respond. So I'll try...

First off all, I'm sorry for all the violence your dads put you through. No kid has to suffer like that. Alcohol abuse, gives so much suffering to the ones near to the abusers, especially if the abusers have a bad drunk. Most off the time it's a downward spiral. Because they drink their boundaries get confused and their bad temper gets out more easily. Most off the time when they sober up, they see the damage they have caused and feel guilty, this guild they can't handle, so they start drinking more to forget, they get angry again, and use their fists again, so on and on...

In my case my "dad" wasn't the abuser, it was my grandpa. But I understand Chadwick's mixed feelings for his old man, so have I for my grandpa, it would be a lot easier if I just could hate the man. But i can't. Although he has been dead for more than twenty years I'm still longing for his approval. Which he would never give me, cause I was just a girl, and women didn't count at all for him. In his head they had two purposes, one the household, two sex. And he wasn't picky who to have sex with...He screwed everything without a dick attached to it. (See LAST KISS)

In my opinion the use off violence against children is a sign off weakness. I know my kids came drive me crazy, and sometimes i get so frustrated that I feel the urge to give them a slap. But I never act on it, I find any grown up who does give in to those urges weak, because those urges are very primary, and you give kids the massage that if your in power, it's okay to use violence. In my point off view any grown up who uses violence to kids, is abusing it's power over these kids. Violence in my opinion is never the right response, because it only encourage more violence. In my opinion words do have a lot more power than fists. That's what I keep telling my boys, and luckily they pick it up...

Chadwick and Talon thank you for charring your stories with us, let the power of these words be stonger than the fists they fight.

chadwick

aafke,

it may seem terrible but it wasn't all that bad. we were never physically abused by the old man drunk or sober. it's just that things were a bit fucked up & he was running a tight ship. our house was always fulla guns. it was a hoot & a disaster all at once. us three boys were put to work & that is that.

we all had guns & shot targets & hunted. most kids back then & i'm pretty sure kids today would run

& thank you for your kind words & reading this stuff

TalonTedd

I too am grateful for our little discussion. This sort of stuff is what makes being a member of the 10C so invigorating. Life comes with trials and tribulations. Ed and the band made a great legacy by amplifiing lifes ups and downs sans' the sugar coating in their music. I think we all came here because we revere their honesty and courage, not to mention the fucking awesome sound. thanks chadwick and aafke. because of this post and the directions it took my soul i called my parents for a dinner this weekend at my home and the kids, wife and I are looking forward to their visit.

In joyous part.

PS At eight years old and sixty pounds or so, dry peas keep their integrity under pressure quite remarkably, to my complete dismay! @-)