My verbally abusive ''mother'' and my violent reactions

Thoughts_Arrive

I cannot overcome the shame, guilt and depression which has come from me lashing out violently. :(
How could I react that way, I scared myself, I in no way condone violence against women, it's not me but it's what she has pushed me to do. I threw things at her one time and struck a pose as if I was going to hit her and another time I pushed into her with my chest.

Am I a bad person?
I feel like a criminal and a monster.

:(

I feel like I need to share this with my psychologist but feel like he will treat me like I am some potential murderer or women beater criminal type.
I am a gentle person but have trouble managing my anger/frustrations and holding back at a ''mother'' who has been physically (up until I was big enough to defend myself) and verbally abusive my whole life, a person who keeps attacking me until I snap.

I won't get upset at any of you if you all have nothing but bad negative things to say about me as a result of this confession, I'd rather hear the truth.
I know it already and feel it every day.

SD48277

I am sorry you had to grow up with someone who was and still is abusive. I strongly encourage you to talk about this with your psychologist. If he is worth his weight in therapy, he will not treat you as criminal; he should be able to give you the tools to not react the way you have been. In the meantime, is there any way to lessen your contact with her?

he.who.forgets

You're not alone...while I dont have an abusive relationship with my mother, I do tend to lose my temper sometimes and I have gotten pretty nasty with my mother/sister/wife before. I too am riddled with guilt afterwards. It doesnt happen often but when it does everyone is usually drinking. I hope that at least this small confession helps you feel a little better.

hedonist

Absolutely speak with your psychologist about this - surely they're already aware of how the relationship is? And if this one makes you feel shame about what strikes me as a natural reaction to an extremely stressful ongoing situation, then find yourself another psychologist.

Also, as another poster mentioned, can you distance yourself from her? I don't know your circumstances, but move out if you're living with her, or stop interacting with her until she too gets treatment?

I wish you well.

DS1119

Talk with your psychologist about this. I went to couples therapy for the first time last year and I found myself saying shit I never thought I would say. It felt good to get it off my chest and have a professional help you work through it.

mysticweed

hedonist wrote:

Absolutely speak with your psychologist about this - surely they're already aware of how the relationship is? And if this one makes you feel shame about what strikes me as a natural reaction to an extremely stressful ongoing situation, then find yourself another psychologist.

agree with this 100%
and i know from experience you will not have peace until you can forgive her
but most of all forgive yourself

Thoughts_Arrive

SD48277 wrote:

In the meantime, is there any way to lessen your contact with her?

Only if I move out which I cannot afford to financially.

Thank you all for your words.

catefrances

some parents think they own their children.. just as some lovers feel they own 'their' other. they do not. make decisions for YOUR betterment. move away from your mother. your life is YOURS, no one elses. perhaps with distance the relationship with your mother can mend itself. only time will tell.