I'm breaking up with my wife

diego92

Hi guys, just like to subject says, I’m breaking up with my wife and I feel really bad. We’ve been together for more than 8 years, married almost 4. She’s the woman of my life, for sure.

It all started to fall down on February, when an in vitro treatment failed. She took it pretty bad and didn’t want to try again. We had been trying to have a child for 5 years.
Then, she slowly get into a personal crisis. She left her job, went visit her parents for 3 weeks. And met someone else over there, 700 miles away from our home. When she came back, things started to go down.

I only notice about her other relation two months later. We talked about it, decided to try to move forward and work things out. She started therapy. But her crisis went worse. She blames herself for not been able to give me a son (I don’t blame her!), says she doesn’t have any real achievement in life, no job, nothing to be proud of. Plus, she’s far away from her home town, where all her family and friends still are. She feels lonely and lost. I knew the idea to go back to her home town was in her head.

A couple of weeks ago I realize her other relation was still going on. They were still in contact, by sms and email. And that was too much for me. This past Monday I told her I can’t stand she having another man. I love her like hell but I can’t. I ask her for some time and I took some distance. And I let her know that if we are ever going to try to work things out, her other relation must be completely over.
We are living together but won’t be for long.

She doesn’t want me to leave our home, says it’s not fair. She says is she who must leave. I know is not gonna be long until she leaves to her home town.

And I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been telling her all I fell for her for the last three months. I’ve been open as never before and I know I reached her. She says she loves me too, that I’m the love of her life, that she can’t imagine life without me. But she can’t end her other relationship, says she’s confused and that she feels empty and that there’s nothing for her here, in our town. I know she’s gonna leave.

And I’m broken. It hurts as hell. I’m going to therapy since last week and it helps, but this is too much. I don’t know how to go on, I can’t believe I’m losing her.

Sorry guys for the long email, but I needed to ease myself. Thanks for being there.

brianlux

Very sorry to hear about this, diego92. Wishing you the best. This is a great place to seek comfort and friendship so good job posting here.
Hang in there.

PJ-Cubs

Very sorry to hear about this.

It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about this and have picked the best option for you at this time. Stay strong but don't be afraid to let the people around you help you out.

polaris_x

brutal

it sounds like your wife has some self esteem issues that she is compensating by having an affair with another man ...

it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets any better ... just know that it is ok to feel sad and angry and frustrated and depressed and everything else ...

DS1119

I feel for you...I really do and I know it sucks. :(

molten_toothpaste

brianlux wrote:

Very sorry to hear about this, diego92. Wishing you the best. This is a great place to seek comfort and friendship so good job posting here.
Hang in there.

Couldn't said it better brainlux! Thoughts are with you at this difficult time diego92, try to stay strong (I know it's easier said than done). Wishing you peace of mind!

redrock

So sorry to hear this. When you say 'our town', is it 'your' town or someplace you both chose to live? To me it seems your wife is homesick, missing family & friends. Naturally, the unsuccessful IVF has also taken it's toll on her. She seems to feel the 'guilty party'. Not just for the affair but for 'not being able to give you a son', etc. Has some kind of depression sunk in? The affair is just a 'symptom' of things. A link to her home town with all it represents?

You both seem to love each other and that is the sad bit. Do you know/get on with her family/friends? Would a visit there as a couple help?

I really hope you both can work it out.

he.who.forgets

So very sorry:( Brianlux is spot on though. We're here for you when you need us. Wishing you well my friend

Juan Godoy

there is no need for apologies of anything!! we are here to support you my friend!!

if posting your thoughts or other thing here keeps you strong or make you feel a little better, DONT stop doing it!
like i said before, we are here to support you in this difficult time you are having, just keep strong and dont give up on..
A big hug, and greetings from Buenos Aires..

diego92

Wow I’m surprised by so many answers so fast. But it looks like brianlux has it right: this is great place to seek comfort and friendship.
Thank you all for your support, you’ve moved me. Thank you.

Claireack

Have you thought about joint counselling?

Anyway, good luck and hope it all works out for both of you.

diego92

Also thanks for giving me your opinion and thoughts, is always good to have a different point of view.

redrock wrote:

So sorry to hear this. When you say 'our town', is it 'your' town or someplace you both chose to live? To me it seems your wife is homesick, missing family & friends. Naturally, the unsuccessful IVF has also taken it's toll on her. She seems to feel the 'guilty party'. Not just for the affair but for 'not being able to give you a son', etc. Has some kind of depression sunk in? The affair is just a 'symptom' of things. A link to her home town with all it represents?

You both seem to love each other and that is the sad bit. Do you know/get on with her family/friends? Would a visit there as a couple help?

I really hope you both can work it out.

redrock, "our town" is actually my town. Is Buenos Aires, the biggest city of Argentina. She came here 10 years ago to go to college and we meet here. At the beginning of our relationship she told me she was about to go back but decided to stay because of me. Somehow I always knew this would be an issue sometime.

And I’m close to her family (as close as you can be seen each other a couple of times a year) and I know her friends, they are all good people. But I don’t know if going there together would help. Don’t think she’s just homesick, not to the point of helping it by visiting them a couple of weeks.

I think I have to let her go, let her clear up her mind and see what happens next. I hope she realizes she miss me and wants to come back but at this point is just a hope. But it’s hard to let go someone you love. And I know I risk losing her for good, but I don’t see any other way out.

foodboy

sorry for your problem. it sounds to me like there are depression problems here,amid a few others. having an affair is not okay on any level. but it seems more than that. stay strong and maybe get some therapy for yourself just to be able to express your thoughts and a little knowledge too. things in life happen for a reason. hopefully one day you will be able to look back on this in a positive way. if down the road you meet someone else and start a family it will all have been for a reason. feel for you as it is not easy going down this road.

redrock

diego92 wrote:

At the beginning of our relationship she told me she was about to go back but decided to stay because of me. Somehow I always knew this would be an issue sometime.

Often is....

I'm still thinking this not to be able to have a child tipped her over the scale. You rightly said that she 'got into a personal crisis'. She seems to think she is a failure. I guess you guys must have been really wanting a family and it was such a focus of your lives for so many years that when it didn't happen, her world sort of crumbles. Maybe she thinks she is not 'worthy' of you (no job, no child, etc.) and can't make you as happy as she would like and Buenos Aires might just remind her of her 'failures' every hour of the day.

As Claireack said, counselling... this might help. At least help both of you to get your thoughts and feelings in some kind of order in your heads.

I do hope losing each other is not the only option for you two.

shoug772

Keep your head up! Things will all work out in the end

CarolineSays

This breaks my heart. :( Thinking of you...

You wrote that you're close with her family and friends. Do they know about your problems? Could you get them involved in some way?

That IVF ordeal really hit her hard. And I agree with what's been said by other posters here, that affair is a symptom, a flight reaction, a way to get some distance from real life. Leaving you and moving back to her home town will not solve her problems, I'm afraid. This goes way deeper.

Wishing you all the best. And whatever the outcome, you'll be a stronger person after all this.

Wilderness

I was really moved by your story...

This helps me much when im down... remind yourself that " nunca es mas oscura la noche que cuando va a amanecer"

Lots of love from Costa Rica!!

diego92

Claireack wrote:

Have you thought about joint counselling?

Anyway, good luck and hope it all works out for both of you.

Didn’t talk about it because her problems are more personal problems than couple problems. But I thought about it. We did it last year due to our non-child issues and it helped, it bonded us. Now I don’t know if it would help.

redrock

diego92 wrote:

Claireack wrote:

Have you thought about joint counselling?

Anyway, good luck and hope it all works out for both of you.

Didn’t talk about it because her problems are more personal problems than couple problems. But I thought about it. We did it last year due to our non-child issues and it helped, it bonded us. Now I don’t know if it would help.

It's worth a try. She may have personal problems but these impact on your couple, so they do become a 'couple' problem. Sometimes just being able to speak out loud to a third party, hearing your own words, can make your thoughts a bit clearer and help the partner understand.

diego92

Juan Godoy wrote:

there is no need for apologies of anything!! we are here to support you my friend!!

if posting your thoughts or other thing here keeps you strong or make you feel a little better, DONT stop doing it!
like i said before, we are here to support you in this difficult time you are having, just keep strong and dont give up on..
A big hug, and greetings from Buenos Aires..

Thank you Juan! I'm sure you werein La Plata too, what a show!

diego92

redrock wrote:

diego92 wrote:

Claireack wrote:

Have you thought about joint counselling?

Anyway, good luck and hope it all works out for both of you.

Didn’t talk about it because her problems are more personal problems than couple problems. But I thought about it. We did it last year due to our non-child issues and it helped, it bonded us. Now I don’t know if it would help.

It's worth a try. She may have personal problems but these impact on your couple, so they do become a 'couple' problem. Sometimes just being able to speak out loud to a third party, hearing your own words, can make your thoughts a bit clearer and help the partner understand.

I know it's worth a try. Counselling or anything else. I've been trying to works things out for 3 months and I would keep doing it, but I don't see the same effort from her side.
Plus, she doesn't end her other relationship. And there has to be a limit. How can we try to save our relationship while she's having another one? Believe me, I tried to do it but I can’t any more. I can't stand it anymore.

My thought was that by puting our relationship on hold, I would force her to make a decision, a move or something. Anything. She’s lost in her problems, can’t make up her mind about me or the other, her home town or our current town, and I think she would keep like that forever. I had to do something, even knowing that I risk her choosing something I don’t want her to.

I’m going home in a few minutes. Get back to you tomorrow and let you know how it goes. But right now, I just want to thank you all. You’ve helped me go through the day. Thank you, you’re great.