Relationship "breaks"

LikeAnOcean

*Update.. Things are looking up, but sometimes I just don't understand human behavior. She's a stubborn woman and really sticks to what she says I guess. Not a game player. Straight forward and honest.*

81

Prepare for the end :?

Go dark for a few days and step back from it.....do talking either on the phone or in person when you have time to talk...ie not at work. No texting or iming.

LikeAnOcean

81 wrote:

Prepare for the end :?

Don't say that!!!


We've never fought seriously before. She was talking about names for our children last month!

justam

Relationships do have rough periods sometimes.

If she's having such serious health problems, it's going to affect everything until her health improves. Be kind to her, listen to what she's saying and maybe things will improve.

I agree with 81 about only talking on the phone when you can pay attention to the conversation instead of just texting while you're at work or other places. That's not the best way to truly communicate.

mca47

Breaks have always been bad from my experience. Never came back from a break...or wanted to.

Hope it's different for ya'!!

LikeAnOcean

justam wrote:

Relationships do have rough periods sometimes.

If she's having such serious health problems, it's going to affect everything until her health improves. Be kind to her, listen to what she's saying and maybe things will improve.

I agree with 81 about only talking on the phone when you can pay attention to the conversation instead of just texting while you're at work or other places. That's not the best way to truly communicate.

It's better to text her. She's in bed most of the day and is in too much pain to hold conversations very long, but I do plan on calling her..

LikeAnOcean

mca47 wrote:

Breaks have always been bad from my experience. Never came back from a break...or wanted to.

Hope it's different for ya'!!

Well if you don't want to come back from a break, how is it going to work out? :P

justam

Gob wrote:

justam wrote:

Relationships do have rough periods sometimes.

If she's having such serious health problems, it's going to affect everything until her health improves. Be kind to her, listen to what she's saying and maybe things will improve.

I agree with 81 about only talking on the phone when you can pay attention to the conversation instead of just texting while you're at work or other places. That's not the best way to truly communicate.

It's better to text her. She's in bed most of the day and is in too much pain to hold conversations very long, but I do plan on calling her.

If she's in too much pain to have a conversation, she really DOES need some space to pay attention to her health right now. Think about that. If a person is in so much pain, how can they be paying attention to another person in a relationship? Usually once a person is that seriously ill, the people around them become caretakers until they are better.

F Me In The Brain

81 wrote:

Prepare for the end :?

Go dark for a few days and step back from it.....do talking either on the phone or in person when you have time to talk...ie not at work. No texting or iming.

I would second this. Or if you text/im just go with simple 'hello, hope all is well' so that she knows you are thinking of her. I think you are in a spot with very little control if you are left texting or im-ing on issue or serious import. If you feel like you might have to fight to keep things alive I hate the idea of not being able to do it in person.

Good luck w/however you work it out. My experience has been that if you both love one another anything can be worked through.

LikeAnOcean

justam wrote:

Gob wrote:

justam wrote:

Relationships do have rough periods sometimes.

If she's having such serious health problems, it's going to affect everything until her health improves. Be kind to her, listen to what she's saying and maybe things will improve.

I agree with 81 about only talking on the phone when you can pay attention to the conversation instead of just texting while you're at work or other places. That's not the best way to truly communicate.

It's better to text her. She's in bed most of the day and is in too much pain to hold conversations very long, but I do plan on calling her.

If she's in too much pain to have a conversation, she really DOES need some space to pay attention to her health right now. Think about that. If a person is in so much pain, how can they be paying attention to another person in a relationship? Usually once a person is that seriously ill, the people around them become caretakers until they are better.

She's been a mess healthwise since I meet her, and I kind of got impatient with her last week.

justam

So, it seems like the health issue has to be resolved first before anything else.

LikeAnOcean

justam wrote:

So, it seems like the health issue has to be resolved first before anything else.

she said the break is mostly because of her health. She needs to focus on getting through it.

binx

I've been beating my hands up as they continued to try to reply to your post...my hands (and the glass of wine they are holding) won the fight.

It's never a good idea to talk about serious things by email or text, most times even phone calls. It's just plain immature to insist upon those being the only contact choices.

If she is indeed in so much pain then ask yourself why she can maintain relationships with her friends in person but not with you. If she is in so much pain then yes, she may want to turn away from you for awhile but she should be caring enough to let you firmly know that when she's well, she will contact you and will understand if the timing isn't good for you to try to reconnect. In other words, love you by letting go.

Please forgive my hands and the wine. If I had had my way, I would have left you alone...like your girlfriend has.

justam

I'm sorry you're feeling sad about it. :(

LikeAnOcean

binx wrote:

If she is indeed in so much pain then ask yourself why she can maintain relationships with her friends in person but not with you.

I didn't really explain this well..She wasn't really hanging out with them. She's been forcing herself to go in to her part time retail job. She was giving a few coworkers a ride home, and they wanted to stop to grab a quick bite. One of them posted on facebook that she was with them and I took it as she was out having a good time.. that was my mistake and I understand why she got mad.

I freaked out on her a few weeks ago too. She had to go to a work meeting/brunch and it just so happened the meeting was during the bears game, so picks of her at Bdubs popped up online. I didn't realize it was her work meeting, and I called her out on it. It was just frustration because we had been doing so little together because of her health. :?


Basically she's become frustrated with me getting frustrated over her health and she can't deal with it right now. She really can't hang out with me much anyways for the next few months, but she called it a break and did it in a dramatic fashion because of the way I acted.

pinkbutterfly

.

LikeAnOcean

pinkbutterfly wrote:

I'm sorry to hear about your break. Although, if your last words were "I love you", it sounds to me like you two have a chance of being together again. Just sounds like she is not thinking clearly, I guess, due to her pain. Everyone reacts differently, as far as wanting others around, when they don't feel well. I really wish the best for the both of you. *HUG*

Thats the thing too. She said " I love you" first when we ended the "break" phone conversation.


She's told me since the get go, almost a year ago, that she HATE's when others are around when she's in this pain.. and thats the thing, my instinct is to be around and hug her, but she can't take it.


I've just never been told by someone I love, they need to take time off from me. I'm not sure what it means.

faceintheclouds

81 wrote:

Prepare for the end :?

Go dark for a few days and step back from it.....do talking either on the phone or in person when you have time to talk...ie not at work. No texting or iming.

I think what this RF is trying to say was prepare for end of the relationship.
I went thru same shit minus the health issues.
But IMO your not a stalker for looking at the fb shit. That's the problem with fb and work. So many fucking times I've caught my gf talking to fags at work on fb and txt. And it makes me mental.
Just try to avoid talking for a bit. It's only gonna drive u up a wall.

rick1zoo2

don't panic, give it time, give her space, be there for her when she needs you

supadupa

As others have said, it sounds like she needs some space while she's dealing with her health issues. Try to be supportive and minimize any additional stress on her by respecting her space. That's probably best for your relationship to be able to continue someday, if that's what the two of you decide.

comebackgirl

I don't think that breaks in a relationship are a good thing. Ideally during times of stress you would turn toward each other, not away. That's not to say that breaks are always bad or that they can't help the overall health of a relationship, as long as some attention is being paid to what led up to the stress in the first place. When I'm stressed or overwhelmed I need time to myself. When I need *space* it's a sign that I'm feeling drained and being around other people (including those I love) is adding to that. Usually I just need to just chill for a bit and not feel needed for a while. My husband is the opposite - he wants to hug me and be close to me and it can drive me a little nutty. I need my space, and then after I've recharged I can be around him. Your girlfriend might be the same way. She may have felt like you weren't respecting that need, and so she's limiting contact all together right now. Try to work through it. This will come up in other ways throughout your relationship, so there's an opportunity to resolve it now. And I don't think you were being a stalker at all. It makes sense you would want to check those things out with her. She might be picking up on some of your insecurity about the relationship though and feel even more drained because of it.

LikeAnOcean

comebackgirl wrote:

When I'm stressed or overwhelmed I need time to myself. When I need *space* it's a sign that I'm feeling drained and being around other people (including those I love) is adding to that. Usually I just need to just chill for a bit and not feel needed for a while. My husband is the opposite - he wants to hug me and be close to me and it can drive me a little nutty. I need my space, and then after I've recharged I can be around him. Your girlfriend might be the same way. She may have felt like you weren't respecting that need, and so she's limiting contact all together right now. Try to work through it. This will come up in other ways throughout your relationship, so there's an opportunity to resolve it now. And I don't think you were being a stalker at all. It makes sense you would want to check those things out with her. She might be picking up on some of your insecurity about the relationship though and feel even more drained because of it.

This sounds exactly like us.


I'm just freaked out because I've never been in a situation like this. I'm having lots of anxiety about her health and what she might think of me. I've never been told by someone I love that they need time away from me. I don't know how to interpret that.

LikeAnOcean

It's funny though, after a few glasses of wine, none of this bothers me and I feel everything will be fine between me and her when she's better.

My damn anxiety keeps putting bad thoughts in my mind though. I need to erase them.

comebackgirl

Gob wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

When I'm stressed or overwhelmed I need time to myself. When I need *space* it's a sign that I'm feeling drained and being around other people (including those I love) is adding to that. Usually I just need to just chill for a bit and not feel needed for a while. My husband is the opposite - he wants to hug me and be close to me and it can drive me a little nutty. I need my space, and then after I've recharged I can be around him. Your girlfriend might be the same way. She may have felt like you weren't respecting that need, and so she's limiting contact all together right now. Try to work through it. This will come up in other ways throughout your relationship, so there's an opportunity to resolve it now. And I don't think you were being a stalker at all. It makes sense you would want to check those things out with her. She might be picking up on some of your insecurity about the relationship though and feel even more drained because of it.

This sounds exactly like us.


I'm just freaked out because I've never been in a situation like this. I'm having lots of anxiety about her health and what she might think of me. I've never been told by someone I love that they need time away from me. I don't know how to interpret that.

I've felt like this before. I haven't actually taken the break, but for me it's come up when I've had a lot of other things I need to attend to and then I just feel needed by my husband. It overwhelms me. I think he senses when I'm more focused on other things and reacts by getting needier So it's a tough cycle, but we've seen it, so we can try to work through it. Your girlfriend's health is a major factor in this. I'm sure she is just so overwhelmed by it. That doesn't mean she gets to only focus on herself. Sounds like you made some sacrifices for this relationship and that can't just be ignored. I would give her some space, but then set some time to really try to work through it. Try and see how you trigger each other. It's not fair for you to just be kept out there hanging. Part of a relationship is teaching each other what we need - which is usually SO different than what the other person needs. That's supposed to happen. Work it through. Sounds like you really care for each other.

GivenToLukinKP

I guess Im having a hard time relating.

When I had surgery and was laid up, the ONLY person I wanted with me was my boyfriend. And I am not a clingy kinda gf at all.

If you want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you clearly accept her for who she is and the health issues she has, then what in the world does she plan to do if these problems persist? Or what about when othe things happen? What about when she's pregnant with Luke and in pain; is she going to retreat to her parents house to wait out the pain?

Im sorry if this sounds harsh, thats not my intent. I just think that if you love someone you want to be with them--if she can push herself to go to work and even stop for a "quick bite" with friends after work, then she should be able to squeeze you in her schedule somehow.

I really, really don't want to offend you----you know her and you know your relationship better than anyone else here--but to me, it sounds like she is trying to distance herself so she can exit smoothly. Just because you were talking baby names recently doesnt mean shes in it for the long haul (I lived with my bf for 4 years and he was talking about us buying a house up until just a couple weeks before he told me he was moving out) You have every right to wonder WTF is going on when you literally picked up your life and relocated for her and she seems to have all these excuses NOT to follow through with the plan. I understand she's ill and in pain, but when you love someone, you figure it out. You have offered many solutions or suggestions to which she has shut you down. I think she got cold feet. The "only texting" thing is childish, even if she doesnt feel well enough to hold a convesation, I feel like if you love someone you can at the very least make a 5 minutes phone call a priority every day. Especially if she is going to work and having even a quick dinner with friends from work after hours. If I am right, its unfair and childish, but generally speaking most women are dramatic and crazy (ouch- sorry fellow females, trust me- it hurts me to say this. Clearly I am not talking about ALL of us, but I have seen some real wacko behavior from my female friends, family members, co-workers....) Gob--please don't think Im just being mean, I just have seen several posts from you about this girl and frankly, if you were sure you wouldnt need to ask for advice here about her behavior. Clearly something isnt clicking with you either in putting this situation together.

I really hope I am dead wrong here--its clear how much you love her and I hope it works out for you. I am just being honest in saying that I dont think it looks good. I am just tryin to be honest and give my opinion as you asked. Feel free to completely ignore me.

I really truly wish you the very best and I hope this situation resolves itself. Please think very hard before waitin around for years if she isnt willing to budge at all.

LikeAnOcean

comebackgirl wrote:

Gob wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

When I'm stressed or overwhelmed I need time to myself. When I need *space* it's a sign that I'm feeling drained and being around other people (including those I love) is adding to that. Usually I just need to just chill for a bit and not feel needed for a while. My husband is the opposite - he wants to hug me and be close to me and it can drive me a little nutty. I need my space, and then after I've recharged I can be around him. Your girlfriend might be the same way. She may have felt like you weren't respecting that need, and so she's limiting contact all together right now. Try to work through it. This will come up in other ways throughout your relationship, so there's an opportunity to resolve it now. And I don't think you were being a stalker at all. It makes sense you would want to check those things out with her. She might be picking up on some of your insecurity about the relationship though and feel even more drained because of it.

This sounds exactly like us.


I'm just freaked out because I've never been in a situation like this. I'm having lots of anxiety about her health and what she might think of me. I've never been told by someone I love that they need time away from me. I don't know how to interpret that.

I've felt like this before. I haven't actually taken the break, but for me it's come up when I've had a lot of other things I need to attend to and then I just feel needed by my husband. It overwhelms me. I think he senses when I'm more focused on other things and reacts by getting needier So it's a tough cycle, but we've seen it, so we can try to work through it. Your girlfriend's health is a major factor in this. I'm sure she is just so overwhelmed by it. That doesn't mean she gets to only focus on herself. Sounds like you made some sacrifices for this relationship and that can't just be ignored. I would give her some space, but then set some time to really try to work through it. Try and see how you trigger each other. It's not fair for you to just be kept out there hanging. Part of a relationship is teaching each other what we need - which is usually SO different than what the other person needs. That's supposed to happen. Work it through. Sounds like you really care for each other.

Early on in our relationship, it was quite the opposite. She would apologize if it took her five minutes too long to respond to a text of mine. She introduced me to her family only a month after we met, invited me to a wedding over a year in advance after only a few months of dating. I never really pulled back, but it was easier for me to keep my cool back then, I felt really wanted. Before things started going downhill with her health last month, she was picking out names for our children. I was honored, but again, felt I should keep cool, although it made me feel really good on the inside she loved me so much. There was a time right before i made our relationship official that she told me she thought I was going to dump her at one point.

In the past month or two, she's pulled back a lot because of her health, and that's when I started to get insecure. I was so used to her wanting to be there for me, I began to panic when she was slow to return phone calls and not making time for me.

I texted her a few days ago, and she responded like 10 hours later, but apologized for it and said she will try to respond quicker when she's feeling better. It made me feel better she is agknowledging her reasons for not being so responsive.

ShimmyMommy

I am so sorry you two hit a rough patch. It sounds like a bit of a communication breakdown.

From what you have been saying, I am hearing that it sounds like she is embarrassed to be around you while she is ill. She doesn't want to burden you. I know you love her and want to make her feel better, but she isn't ready for you to "take care" of her. Am I making sense? Her health has been solely her responsibility all along, and she is probably not used to sharing the concern so intensely with another person.

Give her time. Make the effort to phone her to see how she is, and visit when she feels it's okay. (I am sure you are probably doing that already. ) Just be patient. As much as her health concerns are new to you, being with someone who wants to take care of her through thick and thin, is just as new to her.

I hope all her surgeries and the recovery time goes smoothly.

Love, light and hugs to you both.

of.the.girl

I can totally relate to your gf. I have gone through two major surgeries in the past year and all I wanted to do was be by myself. I didn't want someone hovering over me and around me when I was in the worst pain of my life. (Worst than child birth) It's hard for someone to be so healthy and then have their health go to shit in a matter of months. It may be that she is scared that if she is 100% vulnerable, that you would love her or think of her less if she is weak and needs you.
I'm not trying to defend her or make excuses for her...but I'm just speaking on a personal experience here. I know how it is. And it sucks to push those close away but sometimes it's just a matter of the individual pushing to come to terms and accept with what is going on in their life and health.
Hang in there...take things one day at a time and focus on you right now. If you want/need to talk more...I'm here.

Mamasan23

comebackgirl wrote:

When I'm stressed or overwhelmed I need time to myself. When I need *space* it's a sign that I'm feeling drained and being around other people (including those I love) is adding to that. Usually I just need to just chill for a bit and not feel needed for a while. My husband is the opposite - he wants to hug me and be close to me and it can drive me a little nutty. I need my space, and then after I've recharged I can be around him.

I think my husband is your husband's long lost twin....he's the exact same way! Sometimes I just need to be alone...he takes it the wrong way and thinks it's a personal attack on him, when really I don't want to be around anybody at all, you know? So he pushes even harder, which has caused some serious blow-ups, but we're learning on how to deal with it. Gob this might be similar to what your girlfriend is going through. Try to give her her space right now, maybe send her flowers every now and again to let her know that you're thinking about her. But if you push too hard, you might push her away. Good luck, I hope everything works out and her health gets better!

EmBleve

Mamasan23 wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

When I'm stressed or overwhelmed I need time to myself. When I need *space* it's a sign that I'm feeling drained and being around other people (including those I love) is adding to that. Usually I just need to just chill for a bit and not feel needed for a while. My husband is the opposite - he wants to hug me and be close to me and it can drive me a little nutty. I need my space, and then after I've recharged I can be around him.

I think my husband is your husband's long lost twin....he's the exact same way! Sometimes I just need to be alone...he takes it the wrong way and thinks it's a personal attack on him, when really I don't want to be around anybody at all, you know? So he pushes even harder, which has caused some serious blow-ups, but we're learning on how to deal with it. Gob this might be similar to what your girlfriend is going through. Try to give her her space right now, maybe send her flowers every now and again to let her know that you're thinking about her. But if you push too hard, you might push her away. Good luck, I hope everything works out and her health gets better!

I agree with both of these posts. My bf is the same way, and it, too, drives me mad. Giving her space might be difficult, but ultimately it is the best thing to do, especially since she has asked you to. It may or may not work out--I hope it works out for the best, but it wouldn't work if it's forced. As Mamasan said, if you push too hard, you might push her away. Exactly. If I said that to somebody, and he kept texting me or calling me or whatever, it would drive me insane and further away. Just give her space, and let HER come to YOU. When and if she's ready to do so, she will. Best of luck.

mca47

Gob wrote:

mca47 wrote:

Breaks have always been bad from my experience. Never came back from a break...or wanted to.

Hope it's different for ya'!!

Well if you don't want to come back from a break, how is it going to work out? :P

But I never realized it UNTIL we went on a break. Having that time "alone" made me realize I didn't want to start things up again and that whichever girl at that time...wasn't really the one.

That's just my exp.