Adults who experienced their parent's divorce as children

justam

number1PJfan wrote:

When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.

pjhawks

ZiggyStar wrote:

Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.

agree 100% with this. this is one of the saddest threads i've ever read in here. my parents have both passed on but reading stuff like this makes me realize how lucky i was to have them for as long as i did (dad died when i was 20, mom when i was 26). not sure what i can say to people who have gone through this but i guess stay strong.

dcfaithful

My parents divorced when I was 11. I felt and still do feel that my dad left at a time when my brother who was 14 and I needed a father figure the most. Those are crucial years in a boys life and my dad just left.

My dad was working in town. He had quit his trucking job because he wnated to "be around us and see us grow up", however when he got a part time job he met a woman. To this day he still swears there was no adultery, but I call bullshit.

My mother never saw it coming. She was totally happy and devastated when it happened. I like to think that my Dad truly did suffer from a "mid life crisis". I can see now, 11 years later, that he has some doubts and shows that he isn't as happy as he thought he would be. I think it doesn't help that he sees my mother is now happier with her new husband.

There was really no arguing or abuse or even aggressive things going on. It was very quick. My dad announced it, and about a week or two later had moved out. It all happened very fast. My dad and mom disagreed and had some negative things to say about one another around my brother and I, nothing alarming or vulgar, but ya know...things that you probably should keep to yourself when your kids are that age and don't understand how hurt you really are.

Being 11, I couldn't comprehend the severity of this from a marriage stand point, but in years after I began to feel how it was affecting me. My dad is still a very loving, concerned and overall a great guy. I love my dad, and we have a great relationship. But there were times there, and still are that my dad shows little or no effort in trying to maintain a relatioship with his kids.

My sister died nearly 4 years ago and he said "Since then I've realized I need to make a better effort to see my kids". I feel that his effort hasn't been all it can be, but I don't hold it against him too much. I have days where I tihnk about it and get a little pissed about his lack of concern, but I get over it. I'm an adult too now and if I have to I will take the initiative to see my father because I love him, I care about him, and I want to see him as much as I can until the inevitability of him no longer being around presents itself.

I think that we're all humans and are destined to make mistakes big or small. I feel my dad made a large mistake, but in retrospect, some pretty great things have come out of what happened. My mother is very happy where she's at and my step-father has been a great man for her and I love him just like I do my father. In all the times that my dad hasn't been there, my step-dad has. My old man has been there since he left, but he wasn't around for all my defining moments as a teenager, the most important ones growing up. The amount of father/son experiences I've had with my dad could be more.

I think maybe at age 22 he might feel like we're past that...but when we get together, outside from the constraints of his wife and monotonous life with her, we bond strongly. I often feel that my dad sees himself in me in a huge number of ways. I feel that if anyone is going to make the effort to keep a great dad/son relationship together, it's going to be me most of the time. I'll do what I have to do and swallow my pride because I love my dad dearly and want that relationship with him.

Holy shit I rambled...but yeah. There is my post about my parents divorce.

PureandEasy

ZiggyStar wrote:

Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.

I find this thread very heartbreaking as well. I too am blessed that my folks are still together and will be celebrating 54 years of marriage in June. They had their ups and downs but I think today, they are stronger than ever. A lot of their life now is taking care of each other when one is not feeling 100% and I see the care and tenderness between them still today.

I wish all of you who have not been so lucky the ability to overcome the past and learn from your experiences as children.

josevolution

ZiggyStar wrote:

Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.

Yeah i really feel for all of the People on this thread and i do see what it does to young kids i'd say half of my son's and daughters friends live in a split house hold ... :(

polaris_x

my parents divorced when i was fairly young (around 6 i think) ... not too sure how it impacted me as it was the life i knew ... in looking back - i'm shocked my parents were ever together and there divorce was the best thing for them ... today, i think i my opinions on marriage and children are less confined versus most people ... i don't think divorce is necessarily all bad especially as it relates to children ...

stargirl69

number1PJfan wrote:

justam wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:

stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.

Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:

It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!

When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.

Even now at 41 I still think it would have been emotionally easier on us all if she had actually left .We were ruled by carefully controlled fear,mum still paint's pictures of fear to us,she believes everything in life brings danger.I wonder how she has been able to live her life filled with such fear herself,probably by enforcing it on her children and grandchildren.

I also understand being threatened with being taken away.When I was 8 mum was finding my behaviour unmanageable and to scare me into behaving she arranged for my uncle and her to take me for a drive and leave me at the Catholic Orphanage as a lesson learned.
He drove up the dense tree lined drive up to the door and they both told me to get out.I did as I was told and they drove away.I stood frozen with fear as a priest came out and shouted at me,when I saw him I ran for my life my heart racing,when I got out the gate,terrified and wondering what to do mum and my uncle were sitting in the car tucked into the side of the road,they were laughing so much I remember tears of laughter running down mum's face.
They allowed me back in the car but with what they perceived as a lesson learned to behave because I may not be as lucky next time.
I was traumatised and as it was the 1970's nobody flagged this up as unusual behaviour for a parent.Even now when I pass the building that hasn't been an orphanage for some 20 years I feel sick at the memory.On occassions mum recalls that event and it still makes her laugh.

Parents don't need to divorce to have a good try at f#%@ing with their kids head.

justam

^^^ This is seriously bad parenting, divorce or not. You're right.

My husband's mother did something like this. She wanted to scare him into behaving so she took him down to a place where there were bums, winos, and junkies and told him if he wasn't careful he'd end up there. :shock:
(He was seven I think.)

Maybe it's not so much the divorce issue as the issue of being in the care of messed-up or cruel adults? :evil:

Maybe it's not even so much the divorce as it is being forced to be around people who don't know how to behave decently in relationships? :geek:

ZiggyStar

Stargirl69, can I punch your mum in her stupid fucking idiot face? :x :x :x :x Let's see if she still fucking laughs then. Man, reading that just made me so angry.

justam

ZiggyStar wrote:

Stargirl69, can I punch your mum in her stupid fucking idiot face? :x :x :x :x Let's see if she still fucking laughs then. Man, reading that just made me so angry.

Me too. :evil:

stargirl69

ZiggyStar wrote:

Stargirl69, can I punch your mum in her stupid fucking idiot face? :x :x :x :x Let's see if she still fucking laughs then. Man, reading that just made me so angry.

justam wrote:

^^^ This is seriously bad parenting, divorce or not. You're right.

My husband's mother did something like this. She wanted to scare him into behaving so she took him down to a place where there were bums, winos, and junkies and told him if he wasn't careful he'd end up there. :shock:
(He was seven I think.)

Maybe it's not so much the divorce issue as the issue of being in the care of messed-up or cruel adults? :evil:

Maybe it's not even so much the divorce as it is being forced to be around people who don't know how to behave decently in relationships? :geek:

She was so ill equipped to parent a strong willed strong headed child as I was,she had two other kids much older who had never stepped out of line from her control and then I came along ... she was stumped as to what to do with me and was teaching what she had learned.Her parenting was both smothering and based on conditions of behaviour.
Even now she finds me difficult,opinionated and wilful ... I have the most tenuous of relationships with her.

justam it saddened me to read your husbands experience also at such a young age ... I think before the link between poor parenting and childhood trauma was recognised many people experienced sickening threats such as these.

Thank you Zig ... I emotionally fought mum enough throughout my teens and 20's.She is now a 73 and the only one still ruled by her fear of what is outside her door.

number1PJfan

josevolution wrote:

ZiggyStar wrote:

Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.

Yeah i really feel for all of the People on this thread and i do see what it does to young kids i'd say half of my son's and daughters friends live in a split house hold ... :(

I am a school teacher and I like to take a little mental poll of my kids each year to see how many of them live with their birth parents. It is a large percentage who do not. Many times more than half. It is a sad state of affairs. I feel that my experience with my parents divorcing has made it easier for me to relate to them though and understand the situations they go through and in some cases help them deal with it.

number1PJfan

stargirl69 wrote:

number1PJfan wrote:

When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.

Even now at 41 I still think it would have been emotionally easier on us all if she had actually left .We were ruled by carefully controlled fear,mum still paint's pictures of fear to us,she believes everything in life brings danger.I wonder how she has been able to live her life filled with such fear herself,probably by enforcing it on her children and grandchildren.

I also understand being threatened with being taken away.When I was 8 mum was finding my behaviour unmanageable and to scare me into behaving she arranged for my uncle and her to take me for a drive and leave me at the Catholic Orphanage as a lesson learned.
He drove up the dense tree lined drive up to the door and they both told me to get out.I did as I was told and they drove away.I stood frozen with fear as a priest came out and shouted at me,when I saw him I ran for my life my heart racing,when I got out the gate,terrified and wondering what to do mum and my uncle were sitting in the car tucked into the side of the road,they were laughing so much I remember tears of laughter running down mum's face.
They allowed me back in the car but with what they perceived as a lesson learned to behave because I may not be as lucky next time.
I was traumatised and as it was the 1970's nobody flagged this up as unusual behaviour for a parent.Even now when I pass the building that hasn't been an orphanage for some 20 years I feel sick at the memory.On occassions mum recalls that event and it still makes her laugh.

Parents don't need to divorce to have a good try at f#%@ing with their kids head.

This makes me very sad. Yeah, parents can be fucked in the head. As I have mentioned, I teach school. I see this on a daily basis from a third person perspective.

justam

number1PJfan wrote:

I am a school teacher and I like to take a little mental poll of my kids each year to see how many of them live with their birth parents. It is a large percentage who do not. Many times more than half. It is a sad state of affairs. I feel that my experience with my parents divorcing has made it easier for me to relate to them though and understand the situations they go through and in some cases help them deal with it.

It sounds like your experience has given you a lot of compassion for these kids.

Black Diamond

4and20 wrote:

my parents divorced whe I was 2...so I don't have any memories of them living together. My mother constantly bad mouthed my father and would tell me, 'you can't see your dad unless he 'has the check''. I never knew what that meant...I was only 5 and telling my father that the only way he could see me was if he had a check. :? Whatever, at least he made it a point to take me to lunch every weekend and then to the park, or to buy me a toy (my mother would only buy me food and clothing). Every year, he'd take me to the state fair, and if he wasn't such a camera nut, I wouldn't have any pictures of me when I was a small child.

It's weird..my mom did that to me as well... To such an extent that when my dad was remarrying (to an awful woman who made him change his insurance policy to her kids before he died, 6 months later) and asked me to be his best man... She made me tell hi,that I was out of the wedding unless he caught up on the alimony... I love my mom but I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.

patrickredeyes

Always said that my folks should have got divorced when I was 10 or such. I think we all would have been more happier had they done that.

ZiggyStar

Black Diamond wrote:

It's weird..my mom did that to me as well... To such an extent that when my dad was remarrying (to an awful woman who made him change his insurance policy to her kids before he died, 6 months later) and asked me to be his best man... She made me tell hi,that I was out of the wedding unless he caught up on the alimony... I love my mom but I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.

Did you end up being his best man?

Black Diamond

ZiggyStar wrote:

Black Diamond wrote:

It's weird..my mom did that to me as well... To such an extent that when my dad was remarrying (to an awful woman who made him change his insurance policy to her kids before he died, 6 months later) and asked me to be his best man... She made me tell hi,that I was out of the wedding unless he caught up on the alimony... I love my mom but I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.

Did you end up being his best man?

Yeah I did... I think he was so stunned by me being put in the middle, that he did what she asked... But it made the whole experience stressful and hurtful...

ZiggyStar

Black Diamond wrote:

Yeah I did... I think he was so stunned by me being put in the middle, that he did what she asked... But it made the whole experience stressful and hurtful...

:( Was your brother pissed that he wasn't asked to be best man?

Black Diamond

ZiggyStar wrote:

Black Diamond wrote:

Yeah I did... I think he was so stunned by me being put in the middle, that he did what she asked... But it made the whole experience stressful and hurtful...

:( Was your brother pissed that he wasn't asked to be best man?

You know, I never thought of that... I was the elder and much closer to my dad, but I would imagine that must have been painful... I will ask him.

He took our parents divorce very hard and I became his pseudo dad in my ways afterward.