Adults who experienced their parent's divorce as children

dimitrispearljam

i try to avoid this thread for days..hmm..anyway..lyrics of pearl jam Alive says alot about how things went for me..i was 13..i pay that price for 25 years..grow up away from my sister..i lived with..dad,,my sister with mom...but not anymore..we are back in the same city...trying to win the time we lost all those years
i fuckin love you sister..i know was my mistake left mom house and go to live with dad...im sorry...
sorry for not be always there for you...but now im here for you and your family....and ill try my best...

dr0ptheleash

This is such a heartbreaking thread. I really feel for all of you who have gone through things such as this, and I hope you continue to grow and be strong willed and independent.

As for those who have been "threatened" and left places as children, god... please don't ever do this to your kids. Sending good vibes out to those who have grown up to be better people than those before them

ZiggyStar

Black Diamond wrote:

You know, I never thought of that... I was the elder and much closer to my dad, but I would imagine that must have been painful... I will ask him.

He took our parents divorce very hard and I became his pseudo dad in my ways afterward.

I'd be interested to know what his answer is when you ask him.

Black Diamond wrote:

He took our parents divorce very hard and I became his pseudo dad in my ways afterward.

You're a good man.

justam

dimitrispearljam wrote:

i try to avoid this thread for days..hmm..anyway..lyrics of pearl jam Alive says alot about how things went for me..i was 13..i pay that price for 25 years..grow up away from my sister..i lived with..dad,,my sister with mom...but not anymore..we are back in the same city...trying to win the time we lost all those years
i fuckin love you sister..i know was my mistake left mom house and go to live with dad...im sorry...
sorry for not be always there for you...but now im here for you and your family....and ill try my best...

Thanks for answering the thread even though it was something you felt like avoiding because it was painful. :eh:

justam

dr0ptheleash wrote:

This is such a heartbreaking thread. I really feel for all of you who have gone through things such as this, and I hope you continue to grow and be strong willed and independent.

As for those who have been "threatened" and left places as children, god... please don't ever do this to your kids. Sending good vibes out to those who have grown up to be better people than those before them

Why would you even say this?! If you think anyone who was left somewhere would ever hurt their own kids that way, you're not getting the point of this thread.

People who've been mistreated in ways like this bend over backward in the other direction because they know how hurtful this garbage is.

Claireack

My mum and dad first split up when I was about 9, my mum left, then she came back for a while, then after about a year she left again. The second time was the worst, my dad came to pick us up from school and told us she had gone again. On seeing him waiting outside the school, we knew what was happening anyway.

The lead up to the split was terrible, violence on both sides, betrayal on both sides and two kids not knowing what the heck was going on. There was also other stuff going on within the family that I don't really want to talk about but needless to say it was a terrible time.

I lived with my dad and brother until 15, then moved up here to be with my mum (unfortunately had a step-mother who wasn't very nice), about a year or so after that my brother ran away and ended up with my mum too. She was also remarried.

Could go on forever about what happened over the years, mum's on marriage number 4, dad on 3 (to a woman a year older than me), but won't carry on.

I think I probably was pretty disturbed by everything that went on when I was growing up, not just the divorce, the other stuff too. But I think I'm in a good place now with it all and personally I feel that what caused many of the problems was lack of communication at the time. I've spent a lot of time talking to my mum about what happened and about 10 years ago I think a lot of things were resolved, if I'd been told the reasons she was leaving at the time I don't think I'd have had half the problems that I subsequently had.

Anyway, I was unlucky enough to stuck in the middle of a bad divorce, but I have seen divorces more recently that have been handled exceptionally well, good communication, fair decision making and happy kids.

stargirl69

justam wrote:

dr0ptheleash wrote:

This is such a heartbreaking thread. I really feel for all of you who have gone through things such as this, and I hope you continue to grow and be strong willed and independent.

As for those who have been "threatened" and left places as children, god... please don't ever do this to your kids. Sending good vibes out to those who have grown up to be better people than those before them

Why would you even say this?! If you think anyone who was left somewhere would ever hurt their own kids that way, you're not getting the point of this thread.

People who've been mistreated in ways like this bend over backward in the other direction because they know how hurtful this garbage is.

Well said justam ... I was also surprised by this one line statement also ... I would never want to or be responsible for doing anything like what I experienced

pearljim

Quick recap for me - Dad takes me for a drive when I was 12. Says "you're the man of the family now, your mother and I are getting a divorce". I could have cared less, no more yelling - good. I had two younger sisters and my mother who worked nights and would disappear on lots of weekends to play bingo. Lived in a house with no heat in winter cause we couldn't pay the bill but I refused to live with my dad. I earned a 4 year scholorship at a college for running. One month into my freshman year my mother is hurt bad in an accident and my father just tells me to quit school and take care of my family. After two more months of hassle I leave school and get a job.

36 years later I'm still helping my mom and sisters. My father died 2 years ago and I've cried more over Pixar movies than over his death. I never hated my dad and actually thank him for showing me how not to be as a dad.

You can always learn from bad situations.

Jim

justam

pearljim wrote:

Quick recap for me - Dad takes me for a drive when I was 12. Says "you're the man of the family now, your mother and I are getting a divorce". I could have cared less, no more yelling - good. I had two younger sisters and my mother who worked nights and would disappear on lots of weekends to play bingo. Lived in a house with no heat in winter cause we couldn't pay the bill but I refused to live with my dad. I earned a 4 year scholorship at a college for running. One month into my freshman year my mother is hurt bad in an accident and my father just tells me to quit school and take care of my family. After two more months of hassle I leave school and get a job.

36 years later I'm still helping my mom and sisters. My father died 2 years ago and I've cried more over Pixar movies than over his death. I never hated my dad and actually thank him for showing me how not to be as a dad.

You can always learn from bad situations.

Jim

Jim, I highlighted your summary because I agree with this. You CAN always learn from bad situations.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

dmftraveller

I know this is an older thread, but if anyone is still reading or checking on it.... My story: I was seven years old...3 days after Christmas my mom and I went out to see the Ice Capades (for younger readers, this was a Christmas Ice skating show popular in the '70s) and when we got back, my Dad and my two half-brothers (from my father's first marriage) were gone. Just gone--no warning. A month or two later, I remember my father telling me and my mom that he was going to come back. Turns out he was already married to another woman and on his way to living in Vermont.

My mother basically fell apart and I had to be strong for her. The only affects I remember having, other than missing my brothers desperately, was having some insomnia for a few months. Needless to say, my relationship with my dad was rocky or non-existent for many years, but we've gotten fairly close the past 5 or 6 years. And to his credit, he has apologized sincerely many times and invites me to talk about any issues I have with him. The whole thing kind of reinforces for me that honest communication can solve almost any problem. That, and time...and forgiveness : )

justam

Thanks for adding your story dmftraveller.

number1PJfan

Claireack wrote:

Could go on forever about what happened over the years, mum's on marriage number 4, dad on 3 (to a woman a year older than me), but won't carry on.

My dad left and married a woman who was only 9 years older than me. I thought that was bad. It is hard to imagine that when your mom and dad were dating and getting married that the woman he is with now was not even alive.

Drop The Leash 10

I'm only 18 and my parents just finalized their divorce. I'm doing fine now. It's a bit strange though. My dad is becoming more of a best friend than a dad. If that makes sense. Overall I think i'm handling it well. Time will tell though.

PearlOfAGirl

I grew up with a father who was a violent alcoholic and would emotionally and physically abuse my mother, and also cheated on her numerous times... they did separate breifly, but I can remember always begging my mother to divorce him... :(

justam

Wow, HSB. That's a sad story too.

Again I'll say, maybe it's not so much the divorcing, but rather the fact that some adults don't know how to behave decently in their relationships?

number1PJfan

HeartShapedBox wrote:

I grew up with a father who was a violent alcoholic and would emotionally and physically abuse my mother, and also cheated on her numerous times... they did separate breifly, but I can remember always begging my mother to divorce him... :(

Despite the sadness that my mom and dad's divorce brought my sister and me, as I look back on my life and the lives that turned out for all of us, I don't know that I would have it any other way. I loved my dad terribly but he was a bad dad. I don't think having him around the house full time would have benefited me at all. In the end it was probably good they divorced. I know he loved me deeply and I loved him, but he was just not father material. (I could sit back and laugh to myself at the misery that befell on my dad's second wife and her daughter due to this fact. I would say to myself, "You wanted him, you got him." :roll: )

PearlOfAGirl

justam wrote:

Wow, HSB. That's a sad story too.

Again I'll say, maybe it's not so much the divorcing, but rather the fact that some adults don't know how to behave decently in their relationships?

And for some crazy reason I ended up married to the same kind of man. Eventually, I gathered the strength to leave him...

Heineken Helen

Wow, there are some really sad stories here. Me and my other half are both kids of divorce. My parents only split when I'd already left home... stayed together 'for the kids'... stupid selfish idea really. They both hated eachother for as long as I could remember and it was really bitter, they'd bicker over any little thing at all. My mother turned into such an angry person and took it out on us cos she could. Not really in an abusive way but in other ways that were really just as bad. She could have completely fucked our lives up... and she tried every chance she got. I don't speak to her at all. She's not invited to my wedding but she may well turn up out of spite and try to destroy it :roll: who knows? If she does, I'm all set to simply ignore her. My sister deals with this more often though, her turning up to occasions to ruin them and it makes it hard for her to plan anything. She did the simple registry office wedding for that reason. To be honest, I can't wait til she's dead so it's all over completely. I have no feelings for the woman at all.

justam

Helen, I'm so sorry to hear that.

I hope she doesn't show up and try to change the mood of your wedding. Some people are so spiteful that you can never tell what they might do. (!) Ugh. :(

stargirl69

HeartShapedBox wrote:

justam wrote:

Wow, HSB. That's a sad story too.

Again I'll say, maybe it's not so much the divorcing, but rather the fact that some adults don't know how to behave decently in their relationships?

And for some crazy reason I ended up married to the same kind of man. Eventually, I gathered the strength to leave him...

So sad HSB but so often the way.I was in the reverse position of being in a relationship with a man that controlled the way my mum had all my life,until recently.I am going through some huge awareness work on myself at the shock of realising that I was with a man that was almost exactly like my mum.

So glad you found the strength

dmftraveller

Heineken Helen wrote:

Wow, there are some really sad stories here. Me and my other half are both kids of divorce. My parents only split when I'd already left home... stayed together 'for the kids'... stupid selfish idea really. They both hated eachother for as long as I could remember and it was really bitter, they'd bicker over any little thing at all. My mother turned into such an angry person and took it out on us cos she could. Not really in an abusive way but in other ways that were really just as bad. She could have completely fucked our lives up... and she tried every chance she got. I don't speak to her at all. She's not invited to my wedding but she may well turn up out of spite and try to destroy it :roll: who knows? If she does, I'm all set to simply ignore her. My sister deals with this more often though, her turning up to occasions to ruin them and it makes it hard for her to plan anything. She did the simple registry office wedding for that reason. To be honest, I can't wait til she's dead so it's all over completely. I have no feelings for the woman at all.

I know that my father left my mother because she is similar to yours. I posted my story yesterday, but I didn't mention much about my mother. She is basically a mean, spiteful, shallow and narcissistic woman, which is why my father ran off in a cowardly way. Once he left, all her anger and rage and nastiness was directed at me. I stayed in her life and tried to be an understanding, helpful daughter because she has a mental illness (bipolar disorder) and doctors would constantly tell me that she couldn't help being abusive and cruel. I think part of her problem is her basic personality and who she really is as a person. Knowing this now, I wish I had cut her out of my life years ago. --Reason I say all this is that I am glad you have cut your mom out of your life! Life is too damn short to be putting up with vindictive, destructive people. I hope you and your sister can avoid her entirely, and hopefully live your lives forgetting the way she treated you. And I will cross my fingers that she doesn't show up at your wedding. Try not to even think about the possibility and be happy. I really feel for your sister if she is still having to deal with your mother. I know what it feels like to know your own mother tries so hard to make you miserable...(Reminds me of a line in Daughter: She holds the hand that holds her down... she will rise above!!) And we have to do just that, despite these fucked up, so-called parents. All the best to you and your sister

And congrats on getting married !!