Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.
My mum and dad seperated out of the blue when I was 11 and my brother was 9. (seems to be a trend here!) Unfortunately it was on their 18th wedding anniversary, which confused me a lot. They never fought in front of us and everything seemed normal (perhaps it wasn't so normal, perhaps I was just used to the way things were).
They made sure we knew it had nothing to do with us and that they just didn't love each other anymore (I found out years later that Dad had been cheating on Mum for years) they only told us what we needed to know at the time. We were excited as we had never moved house before and now we were getting 2 new houses, 2 lots of Xmas and b'day presents.
Mum had it hard for a while but she was strong for us and NEVER bad mouthed Dad in front of us. Dad moved into a little 2 bedroom unit and a month later his girlfriend started moving her stuff in. She was a bitch (who ended up cheating on Dad - KARMA) but her sons were awesome (one is like a brother to me). I helped split them up 2 years later :twisted: .
Mum remarried 2 years after splitting from Dad in '95. My step dad is a dick but they seem to be happy so eh. Dad split from bitch face and found an awesome new partner and got married in 1997. A year later my step mum had twin boys. All four of my parents seem to be in happy, healthy relationships - which at the end of the day is all that matters to me. At family get togethers they are always friendly. We even all had xmas together at my brothers last month and it was awesome.
My Dad was an awful husband to my Mum but he has always been an awesome Dad to my brother and I.
I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!
“ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)
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I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!
My dad was the one who left and my mom was always really good about not putting him down or saying bad things. But my dad on the other hand always had negative things to say about my mom. He was the one who cheated and ran off to marry someone else yet he was always the one to trash talk my mom. I always respected her for that. She let us find out on our own what kind of person he was.
That's good. My hubby's Mum is the same about his Father. His Dad was very violent but she never put him down to the kids after they divorced. She even promotes their relationships. That's the way it should be I reckon.
I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!
My dad was the one who left and my mom was always really good about not putting him down or saying bad things. But my dad on the other hand always had negative things to say about my mom. He was the one who cheated and ran off to marry someone else yet he was always the one to trash talk my mom. I always respected her for that. She let us find out on our own what kind of person he was.
“ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)
Adelaide 1998
Adelaide 2003
Adelaide 2006 night 1
Adelaide 2006 night 2
Adelaide 2009
Melbourne 2009
Christchurch NZ 2009
Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
my parents divorced whe I was 2...so I don't have any memories of them living together. My mother constantly bad mouthed my father and would tell me, 'you can't see your dad unless he 'has the check''. I never knew what that meant...I was only 5 and telling my father that the only way he could see me was if he had a check. :? Whatever, at least he made it a point to take me to lunch every weekend and then to the park, or to buy me a toy (my mother would only buy me food and clothing). Every year, he'd take me to the state fair, and if he wasn't such a camera nut, I wouldn't have any pictures of me when I was a small child.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
I've been through it twice. My Mum has actually been married 4 times, the first time was when she was only 18, second was my Dad and that was a very scary and violent situation, ended up leaving in the middle of the night on a bus to Melbourne. I still love my Dad though and he's a changed man now, not to excuse his behaviour though. I was glad they broke up because they just didn't work as a couple and it was best for my brother and me. Then she got married to this other dude who was like a father to us, were together from age 3 to when I turned 10. Went through the seperation thing all over again, he was bad with money and paid gambling debts over the mortgage. Lost everything we owned. Now she's been married to my step-dad for over 16 years. She's not exactly happy but she's not going anywhere because she has my little brother with him.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!
My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. It was a complete surprise to me. I never saw it coming. My sister (17 months older) on the other hand, heard the fighting at night and knew of the impending doom. She never let me in on the secret for some reason. I guess to protect me. I was very attached to my dad. I was very much a daddy's girl. It devastated me when he left, especially when I found out he left for another woman who had a child. Why would he leave me for someone else? In a 10 year old mind that is what is being comprehended. I went through some abandonment issues then and went to counseling then. I worked through the issues. My sister suppressed her emotions, obviously, because as an adult she has been in and out of counseling several times. Who knows what determines how kids deal with divorce. We are two children from the same family that dealt with it in two very different ways. We were both effected by it greatly. She has been married twice now. Me just once. I have been with the same guy going on 20 years and I will do all within my power to make it work. There have been times when the going gets tough that she has just told me to give it up and leave because it is not worth it. But here I am, still fighting for what I believe to be a sacred vow I took. I have also chosen not to have any children (She has one that is the center of her universe). Why bring any more poor little souls into this fucked up world? I guess you could say I'm still a little jaded.
I highlighted this part because I think that's what's tough about this issue. We all experienced it with the minds of children and unless we've been through a lot of counseling, these ways of viewing the experience live inside somewhere.
So many of these stories illustrate that we were dealing with very traumatic events without any guidance or help. In fact, when people had parents that hated the ex-spouse, it just kept the trauma going.
There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:
stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.
Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:
It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!
There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:
stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.
Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:
It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!
When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.
When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.
Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.
agree 100% with this. this is one of the saddest threads i've ever read in here. my parents have both passed on but reading stuff like this makes me realize how lucky i was to have them for as long as i did (dad died when i was 20, mom when i was 26). not sure what i can say to people who have gone through this but i guess stay strong.
My parents divorced when I was 11. I felt and still do feel that my dad left at a time when my brother who was 14 and I needed a father figure the most. Those are crucial years in a boys life and my dad just left.
My dad was working in town. He had quit his trucking job because he wnated to "be around us and see us grow up", however when he got a part time job he met a woman. To this day he still swears there was no adultery, but I call bullshit.
My mother never saw it coming. She was totally happy and devastated when it happened. I like to think that my Dad truly did suffer from a "mid life crisis". I can see now, 11 years later, that he has some doubts and shows that he isn't as happy as he thought he would be. I think it doesn't help that he sees my mother is now happier with her new husband.
There was really no arguing or abuse or even aggressive things going on. It was very quick. My dad announced it, and about a week or two later had moved out. It all happened very fast. My dad and mom disagreed and had some negative things to say about one another around my brother and I, nothing alarming or vulgar, but ya know...things that you probably should keep to yourself when your kids are that age and don't understand how hurt you really are.
Being 11, I couldn't comprehend the severity of this from a marriage stand point, but in years after I began to feel how it was affecting me. My dad is still a very loving, concerned and overall a great guy. I love my dad, and we have a great relationship. But there were times there, and still are that my dad shows little or no effort in trying to maintain a relatioship with his kids.
My sister died nearly 4 years ago and he said "Since then I've realized I need to make a better effort to see my kids". I feel that his effort hasn't been all it can be, but I don't hold it against him too much. I have days where I tihnk about it and get a little pissed about his lack of concern, but I get over it. I'm an adult too now and if I have to I will take the initiative to see my father because I love him, I care about him, and I want to see him as much as I can until the inevitability of him no longer being around presents itself.
I think that we're all humans and are destined to make mistakes big or small. I feel my dad made a large mistake, but in retrospect, some pretty great things have come out of what happened. My mother is very happy where she's at and my step-father has been a great man for her and I love him just like I do my father. In all the times that my dad hasn't been there, my step-dad has. My old man has been there since he left, but he wasn't around for all my defining moments as a teenager, the most important ones growing up. The amount of father/son experiences I've had with my dad could be more.
I think maybe at age 22 he might feel like we're past that...but when we get together, outside from the constraints of his wife and monotonous life with her, we bond strongly. I often feel that my dad sees himself in me in a huge number of ways. I feel that if anyone is going to make the effort to keep a great dad/son relationship together, it's going to be me most of the time. I'll do what I have to do and swallow my pride because I love my dad dearly and want that relationship with him.
Holy shit I rambled...but yeah. There is my post about my parents divorce.
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Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.
I find this thread very heartbreaking as well. I too am blessed that my folks are still together and will be celebrating 54 years of marriage in June. They had their ups and downs but I think today, they are stronger than ever. A lot of their life now is taking care of each other when one is not feeling 100% and I see the care and tenderness between them still today.
I wish all of you who have not been so lucky the ability to overcome the past and learn from your experiences as children.
Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.
Yeah i really feel for all of the People on this thread and i do see what it does to young kids i'd say half of my son's and daughters friends live in a split house hold ... :(
my parents divorced when i was fairly young (around 6 i think) ... not too sure how it impacted me as it was the life i knew ... in looking back - i'm shocked my parents were ever together and there divorce was the best thing for them ... today, i think i my opinions on marriage and children are less confined versus most people ... i don't think divorce is necessarily all bad especially as it relates to children ...
There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:
stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.
Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:
It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!
When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.
Even now at 41 I still think it would have been emotionally easier on us all if she had actually left .We were ruled by carefully controlled fear,mum still paint's pictures of fear to us,she believes everything in life brings danger.I wonder how she has been able to live her life filled with such fear herself,probably by enforcing it on her children and grandchildren.
I also understand being threatened with being taken away.When I was 8 mum was finding my behaviour unmanageable and to scare me into behaving she arranged for my uncle and her to take me for a drive and leave me at the Catholic Orphanage as a lesson learned.
He drove up the dense tree lined drive up to the door and they both told me to get out.I did as I was told and they drove away.I stood frozen with fear as a priest came out and shouted at me,when I saw him I ran for my life my heart racing,when I got out the gate,terrified and wondering what to do mum and my uncle were sitting in the car tucked into the side of the road,they were laughing so much I remember tears of laughter running down mum's face.
They allowed me back in the car but with what they perceived as a lesson learned to behave because I may not be as lucky next time.
I was traumatised and as it was the 1970's nobody flagged this up as unusual behaviour for a parent.Even now when I pass the building that hasn't been an orphanage for some 20 years I feel sick at the memory.On occassions mum recalls that event and it still makes her laugh.
Parents don't need to divorce to have a good try at f#%@ing with their kids head.
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
^^^ This is seriously bad parenting, divorce or not. You're right.
My husband's mother did something like this. She wanted to scare him into behaving so she took him down to a place where there were bums, winos, and junkies and told him if he wasn't careful he'd end up there. :shock:
(He was seven I think.)
Maybe it's not so much the divorce issue as the issue of being in the care of messed-up or cruel adults? :evil:
Maybe it's not even so much the divorce as it is being forced to be around people who don't know how to behave decently in relationships? :geek:
Stargirl69, can I punch your mum in her stupid fucking idiot face? :x :x :x :x Let's see if she still fucking laughs then. Man, reading that just made me so angry.
Stargirl69, can I punch your mum in her stupid fucking idiot face? :x :x :x :x Let's see if she still fucking laughs then. Man, reading that just made me so angry.
Stargirl69, can I punch your mum in her stupid fucking idiot face? :x :x :x :x Let's see if she still fucking laughs then. Man, reading that just made me so angry.
^^^ This is seriously bad parenting, divorce or not. You're right.
My husband's mother did something like this. She wanted to scare him into behaving so she took him down to a place where there were bums, winos, and junkies and told him if he wasn't careful he'd end up there. :shock:
(He was seven I think.)
Maybe it's not so much the divorce issue as the issue of being in the care of messed-up or cruel adults? :evil:
Maybe it's not even so much the divorce as it is being forced to be around people who don't know how to behave decently in relationships? :geek:
She was so ill equipped to parent a strong willed strong headed child as I was,she had two other kids much older who had never stepped out of line from her control and then I came along ... she was stumped as to what to do with me and was teaching what she had learned.Her parenting was both smothering and based on conditions of behaviour.
Even now she finds me difficult,opinionated and wilful ... I have the most tenuous of relationships with her.
justam it saddened me to read your husbands experience also at such a young age ... I think before the link between poor parenting and childhood trauma was recognised many people experienced sickening threats such as these.
Thank you Zig ... I emotionally fought mum enough throughout my teens and 20's.She is now a 73 and the only one still ruled by her fear of what is outside her door.
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
Wow....reading this from the perspective of someone whose parents have been together nearly 50 years is so interesting....and fucking heartbreaking. What horrible things to have gone through when you were all so little. I truly have been blessed with the life I've had so far. I'm trying to have kids this year. This has really opened my eyes up and I've learned so much from the child's viewpoint. Thanks.
Yeah i really feel for all of the People on this thread and i do see what it does to young kids i'd say half of my son's and daughters friends live in a split house hold ... :(
I am a school teacher and I like to take a little mental poll of my kids each year to see how many of them live with their birth parents. It is a large percentage who do not. Many times more than half. It is a sad state of affairs. I feel that my experience with my parents divorcing has made it easier for me to relate to them though and understand the situations they go through and in some cases help them deal with it.
When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.
Even now at 41 I still think it would have been emotionally easier on us all if she had actually left .We were ruled by carefully controlled fear,mum still paint's pictures of fear to us,she believes everything in life brings danger.I wonder how she has been able to live her life filled with such fear herself,probably by enforcing it on her children and grandchildren.
I also understand being threatened with being taken away.When I was 8 mum was finding my behaviour unmanageable and to scare me into behaving she arranged for my uncle and her to take me for a drive and leave me at the Catholic Orphanage as a lesson learned.
He drove up the dense tree lined drive up to the door and they both told me to get out.I did as I was told and they drove away.I stood frozen with fear as a priest came out and shouted at me,when I saw him I ran for my life my heart racing,when I got out the gate,terrified and wondering what to do mum and my uncle were sitting in the car tucked into the side of the road,they were laughing so much I remember tears of laughter running down mum's face.
They allowed me back in the car but with what they perceived as a lesson learned to behave because I may not be as lucky next time.
I was traumatised and as it was the 1970's nobody flagged this up as unusual behaviour for a parent.Even now when I pass the building that hasn't been an orphanage for some 20 years I feel sick at the memory.On occassions mum recalls that event and it still makes her laugh.
Parents don't need to divorce to have a good try at f#%@ing with their kids head.
This makes me very sad. Yeah, parents can be fucked in the head. As I have mentioned, I teach school. I see this on a daily basis from a third person perspective.
I am a school teacher and I like to take a little mental poll of my kids each year to see how many of them live with their birth parents. It is a large percentage who do not. Many times more than half. It is a sad state of affairs. I feel that my experience with my parents divorcing has made it easier for me to relate to them though and understand the situations they go through and in some cases help them deal with it.
It sounds like your experience has given you a lot of compassion for these kids.
my parents divorced whe I was 2...so I don't have any memories of them living together. My mother constantly bad mouthed my father and would tell me, 'you can't see your dad unless he 'has the check''. I never knew what that meant...I was only 5 and telling my father that the only way he could see me was if he had a check. :? Whatever, at least he made it a point to take me to lunch every weekend and then to the park, or to buy me a toy (my mother would only buy me food and clothing). Every year, he'd take me to the state fair, and if he wasn't such a camera nut, I wouldn't have any pictures of me when I was a small child.
It's weird..my mom did that to me as well... To such an extent that when my dad was remarrying (to an awful woman who made him change his insurance policy to her kids before he died, 6 months later) and asked me to be his best man... She made me tell hi,that I was out of the wedding unless he caught up on the alimony... I love my mom but I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.
It's weird..my mom did that to me as well... To such an extent that when my dad was remarrying (to an awful woman who made him change his insurance policy to her kids before he died, 6 months later) and asked me to be his best man... She made me tell hi,that I was out of the wedding unless he caught up on the alimony... I love my mom but I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.
It's weird..my mom did that to me as well... To such an extent that when my dad was remarrying (to an awful woman who made him change his insurance policy to her kids before he died, 6 months later) and asked me to be his best man... She made me tell hi,that I was out of the wedding unless he caught up on the alimony... I love my mom but I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.
Did you end up being his best man?
Yeah I did... I think he was so stunned by me being put in the middle, that he did what she asked... But it made the whole experience stressful and hurtful...
Yeah I did... I think he was so stunned by me being put in the middle, that he did what she asked... But it made the whole experience stressful and hurtful...
:( Was your brother pissed that he wasn't asked to be best man?
Yeah I did... I think he was so stunned by me being put in the middle, that he did what she asked... But it made the whole experience stressful and hurtful...
:( Was your brother pissed that he wasn't asked to be best man?
You know, I never thought of that... I was the elder and much closer to my dad, but I would imagine that must have been painful... I will ask him.
He took our parents divorce very hard and I became his pseudo dad in my ways afterward.
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★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
They made sure we knew it had nothing to do with us and that they just didn't love each other anymore (I found out years later that Dad had been cheating on Mum for years) they only told us what we needed to know at the time. We were excited as we had never moved house before and now we were getting 2 new houses, 2 lots of Xmas and b'day presents.
Mum had it hard for a while but she was strong for us and NEVER bad mouthed Dad in front of us. Dad moved into a little 2 bedroom unit and a month later his girlfriend started moving her stuff in. She was a bitch (who ended up cheating on Dad - KARMA) but her sons were awesome (one is like a brother to me). I helped split them up 2 years later :twisted: .
Mum remarried 2 years after splitting from Dad in '95. My step dad is a dick but they seem to be happy so eh. Dad split from bitch face and found an awesome new partner and got married in 1997. A year later my step mum had twin boys. All four of my parents seem to be in happy, healthy relationships - which at the end of the day is all that matters to me. At family get togethers they are always friendly. We even all had xmas together at my brothers last month and it was awesome.
My Dad was an awful husband to my Mum but he has always been an awesome Dad to my brother and I.
To keep a long story short, it has effected me in the way of looking at marriage as an extremely important decision, not to be made lightly. My hubby and I were together for 10 years before marrying. I will NEVER get married again even if something happened to him (Heaven forbid). Hasn't been easy though growing up in the middle of all that crap but you somehow get through it. I just hated the way Mum would throw comments about Dad when I would discuss my holidays with him and Dad would say shit about my Mum when I was with him. I have just come to the conclusion that if you do divorce, just shut up when it comes to discussing your ex with your kids. Let them talk to you about their experiences with the other half without you putting their Mum/Dad down, grow up!!
Thanks for reading all, and thanks for a fantastic thread!
Adelaide 1998
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Adelaide 2006 night 2
Adelaide 2009
Melbourne 2009
Christchurch NZ 2009
Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
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Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
My dad was the one who left and my mom was always really good about not putting him down or saying bad things. But my dad on the other hand always had negative things to say about my mom. He was the one who cheated and ran off to marry someone else yet he was always the one to trash talk my mom. I always respected her for that. She let us find out on our own what kind of person he was.
Adelaide 1998
Adelaide 2003
Adelaide 2006 night 1
Adelaide 2006 night 2
Adelaide 2009
Melbourne 2009
Christchurch NZ 2009
Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
- Christopher McCandless
Thanks for sharing your story.
I highlighted this part because I think that's what's tough about this issue. We all experienced it with the minds of children and unless we've been through a lot of counseling, these ways of viewing the experience live inside somewhere.
So many of these stories illustrate that we were dealing with very traumatic events without any guidance or help. In fact, when people had parents that hated the ex-spouse, it just kept the trauma going.
stargirl69, I was thinking about this part of your story while I was cooking dinner tonight.
Can you imagine it if someone tried to do something like this to one of your own children? Terrify them and then tell them to pretend like nothing happened?! :evil:
It's kind of outrageous and yet you had to trust her because she was your mom!!
When my sister and I used to argue my dad would tell me he was going to send me to the home for unwanted children in the next town over. He always would say it in off handed sort of way but it hurt me. He never told my sister this, just me. One day I had had enough(this was before he left, so I was younger than 10). He told me one too many times. I went to my room, packed all my stuff in paper bags so they wouldn't have to come back for the suitcases, and set them by the door and said, "Let's go Mr. I've heard that threat for the last time." I called his bluff and it brought him to tears. I don't think he realized how deeply it hurt me each time he said it.
agree 100% with this. this is one of the saddest threads i've ever read in here. my parents have both passed on but reading stuff like this makes me realize how lucky i was to have them for as long as i did (dad died when i was 20, mom when i was 26). not sure what i can say to people who have gone through this but i guess stay strong.
My dad was working in town. He had quit his trucking job because he wnated to "be around us and see us grow up", however when he got a part time job he met a woman. To this day he still swears there was no adultery, but I call bullshit.
My mother never saw it coming. She was totally happy and devastated when it happened. I like to think that my Dad truly did suffer from a "mid life crisis". I can see now, 11 years later, that he has some doubts and shows that he isn't as happy as he thought he would be. I think it doesn't help that he sees my mother is now happier with her new husband.
There was really no arguing or abuse or even aggressive things going on. It was very quick. My dad announced it, and about a week or two later had moved out. It all happened very fast. My dad and mom disagreed and had some negative things to say about one another around my brother and I, nothing alarming or vulgar, but ya know...things that you probably should keep to yourself when your kids are that age and don't understand how hurt you really are.
Being 11, I couldn't comprehend the severity of this from a marriage stand point, but in years after I began to feel how it was affecting me. My dad is still a very loving, concerned and overall a great guy. I love my dad, and we have a great relationship. But there were times there, and still are that my dad shows little or no effort in trying to maintain a relatioship with his kids.
My sister died nearly 4 years ago and he said "Since then I've realized I need to make a better effort to see my kids". I feel that his effort hasn't been all it can be, but I don't hold it against him too much. I have days where I tihnk about it and get a little pissed about his lack of concern, but I get over it. I'm an adult too now and if I have to I will take the initiative to see my father because I love him, I care about him, and I want to see him as much as I can until the inevitability of him no longer being around presents itself.
I think that we're all humans and are destined to make mistakes big or small. I feel my dad made a large mistake, but in retrospect, some pretty great things have come out of what happened. My mother is very happy where she's at and my step-father has been a great man for her and I love him just like I do my father. In all the times that my dad hasn't been there, my step-dad has. My old man has been there since he left, but he wasn't around for all my defining moments as a teenager, the most important ones growing up. The amount of father/son experiences I've had with my dad could be more.
I think maybe at age 22 he might feel like we're past that...but when we get together, outside from the constraints of his wife and monotonous life with her, we bond strongly. I often feel that my dad sees himself in me in a huge number of ways. I feel that if anyone is going to make the effort to keep a great dad/son relationship together, it's going to be me most of the time. I'll do what I have to do and swallow my pride because I love my dad dearly and want that relationship with him.
Holy shit I rambled...but yeah. There is my post about my parents divorce.
6/12/08 - Tampa, FL
8/23/09 - Chicago, IL
9/28/09 - Salt Lake City, UT (11 years too long!!!)
9/03/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 1
9/04/11 - East Troy, WI - PJ20 - Night 2
I find this thread very heartbreaking as well. I too am blessed that my folks are still together and will be celebrating 54 years of marriage in June. They had their ups and downs but I think today, they are stronger than ever. A lot of their life now is taking care of each other when one is not feeling 100% and I see the care and tenderness between them still today.
I wish all of you who have not been so lucky the ability to overcome the past and learn from your experiences as children.
Yeah i really feel for all of the People on this thread and i do see what it does to young kids i'd say half of my son's and daughters friends live in a split house hold ... :(
Even now at 41 I still think it would have been emotionally easier on us all if she had actually left .We were ruled by carefully controlled fear,mum still paint's pictures of fear to us,she believes everything in life brings danger.I wonder how she has been able to live her life filled with such fear herself,probably by enforcing it on her children and grandchildren.
I also understand being threatened with being taken away.When I was 8 mum was finding my behaviour unmanageable and to scare me into behaving she arranged for my uncle and her to take me for a drive and leave me at the Catholic Orphanage as a lesson learned.
He drove up the dense tree lined drive up to the door and they both told me to get out.I did as I was told and they drove away.I stood frozen with fear as a priest came out and shouted at me,when I saw him I ran for my life my heart racing,when I got out the gate,terrified and wondering what to do mum and my uncle were sitting in the car tucked into the side of the road,they were laughing so much I remember tears of laughter running down mum's face.
They allowed me back in the car but with what they perceived as a lesson learned to behave because I may not be as lucky next time.
I was traumatised and as it was the 1970's nobody flagged this up as unusual behaviour for a parent.Even now when I pass the building that hasn't been an orphanage for some 20 years I feel sick at the memory.On occassions mum recalls that event and it still makes her laugh.
Parents don't need to divorce to have a good try at f#%@ing with their kids head.
My husband's mother did something like this. She wanted to scare him into behaving so she took him down to a place where there were bums, winos, and junkies and told him if he wasn't careful he'd end up there. :shock:
(He was seven I think.)
Maybe it's not so much the divorce issue as the issue of being in the care of messed-up or cruel adults? :evil:
Maybe it's not even so much the divorce as it is being forced to be around people who don't know how to behave decently in relationships? :geek:
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
Me too. :evil:
She was so ill equipped to parent a strong willed strong headed child as I was,she had two other kids much older who had never stepped out of line from her control and then I came along ... she was stumped as to what to do with me and was teaching what she had learned.Her parenting was both smothering and based on conditions of behaviour.
Even now she finds me difficult,opinionated and wilful ... I have the most tenuous of relationships with her.
justam it saddened me to read your husbands experience also at such a young age ... I think before the link between poor parenting and childhood trauma was recognised many people experienced sickening threats such as these.
Thank you Zig ... I emotionally fought mum enough throughout my teens and 20's.She is now a 73 and the only one still ruled by her fear of what is outside her door.
I am a school teacher and I like to take a little mental poll of my kids each year to see how many of them live with their birth parents. It is a large percentage who do not. Many times more than half. It is a sad state of affairs. I feel that my experience with my parents divorcing has made it easier for me to relate to them though and understand the situations they go through and in some cases help them deal with it.
This makes me very sad.
It sounds like your experience has given you a lot of compassion for these kids.
Did you end up being his best man?
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
:( Was your brother pissed that he wasn't asked to be best man?
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
He took our parents divorce very hard and I became his pseudo dad in my ways afterward.