Adults who experienced their parent's divorce as children
justam
Posts: 21,408
I want to start a thread for us to share our experience of divorce as the children in the middle of the warzone. I'd like to know how other adults who lived through their parents bad marriages view this now as adults themselves.
For me, it made me hyper-sensitive to my own children's feeling about our marriage remaining positive and their emotional security.
I think it could be helpful to me and others if we compared experiences. There must be a lot of us that lived through this. :geek:
Is anyone else interested in this topic?
For me, it made me hyper-sensitive to my own children's feeling about our marriage remaining positive and their emotional security.
I think it could be helpful to me and others if we compared experiences. There must be a lot of us that lived through this. :geek:
Is anyone else interested in this topic?
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Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
I am the same as you in regards to my kids... Hyper sensitive about yelling in front of them and hyper about telling them how much they mean to me... And the mind set I have is that I HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY WIFE IS HAPPY all the time... If we don't work (we do really well thank G-d) then the outcome is a repeat of history.
I too lived through my mother's two divorces.
It proved to create a fear of abandonment and making a mess of my own marriage.
I over compensated with my son. I understand the hyper-sensitive parents we can become.
I hate that I didn't ever have a father. I'm still trying to recover from that today. Not having a solid male model or the reflection from that. It left a real hole in my development as a woman. I'm aware that I'm still trying to find a way to fill in the gaps left from the lack of parenting I received.
I can totally relate to this. I work hard to keep my husband happy so that we get along. I do this and I wonder why my mother never seemed to try very hard to keep her relationships in good shape.
no yelling or anything. one day my mom came home packed up a few things and moved out.. we stayed at a nieghbors for a few days before joining her. never knew anything was wrong.
i turned out fine. no kids.
not really...i was at his funeral
Looking back now though, I realize that they are 2 completely different people and I am surprised that they lasted as long as they did. They were great parents to us together and apart, and I guess that is all you can ask for.
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
"I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
Thank you!
I sent you a pm too.
My dad moved out and within a year, my dad had a girlfriend, which was weird and awkward. (not the same one my mom told me about). He ended up marrying her and I didn't like her then and never did. She had a daughter the same age as me, and zi may have never said this about anyone and meant it, but I hated her. I HATED her. She is a whole different story.... Eighteen years later, they are getting divorced, but this time, divorce is a good thing.
Well, what the whole point of this was... I may not have been very young when my parents got divorced, but it really affected my life and still does. The snide comments... the whispering behind each others backs...the "if mom's going to be there, I'm not going". Having the first grandchild was hell. We had to go to 2 different places on xmas (plus my husbands parents) and worry about who was going to where at what time.
After my daughter was 1 years old, I decided that if they couldn't be together for my daughter's birthdays and xmas' that it was too bad. They would be the one's missing out. They could explain to their granddaughter that they were so selfish that they couldn't think of her first. They got divorced. Not me, not my kids.
I still remind them often that they shouldn't talk about each other to me and my sister. It is still really hurtful.
1996 Merriweather, MD; 1998 Camden, NJ; 2000 Camden, NJ; 2003 Camden, NJ; 2005 Philly, PA; 2006 Camden, NJ(nights 1 & 2); 2006 Arnhem, NED; 2008 Camden, NJ(nights 1 & 2), Washington DC, MSG(night 2) 2009 Philly Spectrum Shows(nights 1,2,3,4) 2010 Hartford,CT and MSG(night 2)
ED Solo - 2008 Washington DC, 2009 Philly, PA(nights 1&2)*Met Eddie
I think that's the part that people don't think about. How it tears the kids apart inside.
In my case, my mom just left my real dad before I was even born. I never got to meet him. I never knew any of his family. My mom wanted to erase him from our lives and it just hurt to think she hated him (and I looked like him!) and wanted him gone from her life completely. :?
I would always think of my kids first.
1996 Merriweather, MD; 1998 Camden, NJ; 2000 Camden, NJ; 2003 Camden, NJ; 2005 Philly, PA; 2006 Camden, NJ(nights 1 & 2); 2006 Arnhem, NED; 2008 Camden, NJ(nights 1 & 2), Washington DC, MSG(night 2) 2009 Philly Spectrum Shows(nights 1,2,3,4) 2010 Hartford,CT and MSG(night 2)
ED Solo - 2008 Washington DC, 2009 Philly, PA(nights 1&2)*Met Eddie
He died when I was about 13. He had become a crab fisherman in Alaska and he died of hypothermia when his boat sank. :geek:
I am sorry you never met your dad. I know that must be hard. I wish you the best... I wonder if your mom knew you would be better off not knowing him... It's hard to say, I guess. That's a tough situation...
Divorce effects everyone involved, not just the 2 people that got married.
1996 Merriweather, MD; 1998 Camden, NJ; 2000 Camden, NJ; 2003 Camden, NJ; 2005 Philly, PA; 2006 Camden, NJ(nights 1 & 2); 2006 Arnhem, NED; 2008 Camden, NJ(nights 1 & 2), Washington DC, MSG(night 2) 2009 Philly Spectrum Shows(nights 1,2,3,4) 2010 Hartford,CT and MSG(night 2)
ED Solo - 2008 Washington DC, 2009 Philly, PA(nights 1&2)*Met Eddie
And, I know that since about 50% of all marriages end in divorce, there must be a lot of people out there who've lived through this.
10/31/09- Philly
5/21/10- NYC
9/2/12- Philly, PA
7/19/13- Wrigley
10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
10/21/13- Philly, PA
10/22/13- Philly, PA
10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
4/28/16- Philly, PA
4/29/16- Philly, PA
5/1/16- NYC
5/2/16- NYC
9/2/18- Boston, MA
9/4/18- Boston, MA
9/14/22- Camden, NJ
9/7/24- Philly, PA
9/9/24- Philly, PA
Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA
My family situation has definitely impacted on relationships,I don't trust anyone but myself.
There was no divorce but but I grew up with a mother who always threatened to leave my dad,she just never told him,but she told us ... frequently.
I lost count how many times she would pack up bags for us to leave,I am the youngest of 3,she was only taking me and my older sister,my brother is 10 year older than me,mum decided he was staying with my dad as he was a young adult and working.
We'd get packed up and head down to the bus stop,we'd get out of the village and she'd change her mind and we'd head back home,unpack and be told to act like nothing happened that day. :roll:
Dad was not a "bad" man,but there was emotional scaring as he had come from a very abusive background,grew up during WW11,he was an old school man,work and provide for you family,leave all emotion to the women.
He was ill equipped for a wife and family.
But my sister has just recently gone through her second divorce,first one had no children involved.I have to say I was utterly sickened at the shit she and her husband put their kids through for the four years it took to divorce ... and probably a good number of years of their 12 year marriage.
Each one of her kids are messed in their own way and I worry about the impact their home life will have on their future relationships,choices and mental health ... her youngest son is 12 and is already being seen by the child psychiatric team at out Children's Hospital.
I wish everyone well in finding their own peace
when i was young i was at ones house 1 day, and ones the next. it was kinda fucked. and on the weekends i was at a sitters house who ended up bieng like a mother to me. i wouldnt go back and change it even if i could.
now, im in the situation of my kids about to go thru it like i did. and im finding i dont want that so i stay.
there is quite a bit of yelling in my house and it just drives me crazy because thyre around it.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I dont want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know Im alive.
I'm sorry that you were back and forth, back and forth at their house's. It must have been tough on you.
Have you and your wife considered counseling? Since I grew up around constant fighting -- in my first love relationship, we fought alot....and I thought that was normal as that is what I was always around :( I married him and constantly complained about him to others; one day, his friend's sister got sick of me and said, "how long are you going to stay in this relationship and put up with all that fighting?" It's what I needed to hear. But there were no children involved....but my point is that your kids could grow up not being peaceful like I was. I am an old lady now and I still have trouble with my constant criticism, which is what I grew up around.
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I dont want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know Im alive.
I can remember crying for days and the pain inside was very close to the pain you feel when someone close to you dies.
All i wanted was my daddy back.
I had the hope of them getting back together strong in my mind for a good 6 or 7 years, not a day went by that i didnt think about it... also much like when someone close to you dies.
Eventually my dad met someone else became very happy again and married her, but this meant that he moved to a different state , Adelaide, which absolutely devastated me and my brother.
I was lucky to see him for a few days a year, and i cried every time i had to say good bye, often comforted by perfect strangers on the bus back to Melbourne, but i still stuck by him and loved and appreciated him more than ever.
My feelings towards my mum on the other hand became very negative, from the time she left my dad (i was 6) to the age of 18 when i moved out of home we had a very very bad relationship. I more or less blamed her for my sadness and she hated that i felt that way so blamed me for everything bad in her life (at least that was how i felt)
I am not going in to too much detail, that can stay repressed for now!!
Today i have a relatively normal relationship with both of my parents, i have come to accept they have separate lives, they have not spoken in 15 years and they may never speak again who knows?! Maybe at mine or my brothers wedding!
All in all, i have to say it was VERY VERY hard growing up with my mum and with out my dad, but i think i overcame that obstacle in adulthood and turned out to be a relatively normal ,happy, quirky person with a great sense of humor and overly passionate about things that i love but also EXTREMELY OVER PASSIONATE about things i hate !! haha
This is the saddest part of relationships that have come to an end and the ones who suffer the most are the children. Yelling around the house creates a feeling of not being safe. If the two people they count on more than anyone in this life can't get along, it's nauseating for the child. I know. My mother use to have rage/anger attacks at my step-father growing up. I can remember pots and pans being thrown around while she made dinner. The things they said to each other were horrible. Then when one would walk away, the other one would start on me. I don't know why me, never my sister.
The point is to not become your parents bad traits. Yes, you may eventually have to leave this situation and do what your parents did, but in this relationship, it would be a mercy killing. I'm sorry you live with all that yelling. Everyone deserves to be heard, but without the vocal violence.
one thing you might try is to never react to the other's yelling. Be mindful and silent and humble in your speech, no one can have a yelling match if the one refuses to participate in it or if you can't, take it to a place where the children do not see. I hope you find the peace of mind knowing you are a good parent, regardless.
The point is to not become your parents bad traits. Yes, you may eventually have to leave this situation and do what your parents did, but in this relationship, it would be a mercy killing. I'm sorry you live with all that yelling. Everyone deserves to be heard, but without the vocal violence.
one thing you might try is to never react to the other's yelling. Be mindful and silent and humble in your speech, no one can have a yelling match if the one refuses to participate in it or if you can't, take it to a place where the children do not see. I hope you find the peace of mind knowing you are a good parent, regardless.
thanks.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I dont want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know Im alive.
Even though he has been living with his Dad 2000 miles away, when he comes to visit, we always get along so nicely. Because I have let him be who he is, he has come to me with truths I never thought a teenager would offer up on his own.
Even though there is separation, we are bonded by a pack, always remember he is a miracle. My son turned out perfectly fine and boy does that take a weight off my shoulders!
Plus...I took him to Deer Creek last year for his first Pearl Jam concert and the first words out of his mouth were about Ed. He said, "mom, wow, he is very intense." He sees what I see.
I feel so blessed even though my childhood was very dysfunctional, maybe I learned lessons that made me a better mom.
I'm thinking that perhaps once we have a large number, we can look at the common elements in all these stories and get a sense of what typically happens and how it typically affects the young people and then perhaps we can separate these experiences from us as individuals. Does that make sense?
In the same way that one can feel like a mugging in the park isn't an attack on an individual, it is a general attack on whoever happens to be there.
As kids, we just happened to be in the middle of some adult's bad situation. We took it personally because we couldn't choose NOT to be born into that family, but really, in the largest sense, it was kinda random that we landed in that situation from the womb rather than a better situation with different parents.
?? :idea: