Adults who experienced their parent's divorce as children

justam

I want to start a thread for us to share our experience of divorce as the children in the middle of the warzone. I'd like to know how other adults who lived through their parents bad marriages view this now as adults themselves.

For me, it made me hyper-sensitive to my own children's feeling about our marriage remaining positive and their emotional security.

I think it could be helpful to me and others if we compared experiences. There must be a lot of us that lived through this. :geek:

Is anyone else interested in this topic?

g under p

I'm interested but i can't talk right now. Later

Peace

Black Diamond

Yeah my parents should have divorced before I was born and lasted until I was 13 (waited a month after my Bar Mitzvah :roll: ). They could not stop the yelling at each other constantly... My brother and I were in the bed room next to them and we heard them going at it (not in a good way) all night. My brother and I would start fights with each other just to make them stop.

I am the same as you in regards to my kids... Hyper sensitive about yelling in front of them and hyper about telling them how much they mean to me... And the mind set I have is that I HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY WIFE IS HAPPY all the time... If we don't work (we do really well thank G-d) then the outcome is a repeat of history.

BhagavadGita

I am very interested in this topic.

I too lived through my mother's two divorces.

It proved to create a fear of abandonment and making a mess of my own marriage.

I over compensated with my son. I understand the hyper-sensitive parents we can become.

justam

I think I was also left with the fear of abandonment because I was abandoned by my mom every time she re-married. She married and divorced four times and every time I was just the baggage she brought along into the next situation.

I hate that I didn't ever have a father. I'm still trying to recover from that today. Not having a solid male model or the reflection from that. It left a real hole in my development as a woman. I'm aware that I'm still trying to find a way to fill in the gaps left from the lack of parenting I received.

justam

Black Diamond wrote:

Yeah my parents should have divorced before I was born and lasted until I was 13 (waited a month after my Bar Mitzvah :roll: ). They could not stop the yelling at each other constantly... My brother and I were in the bed room next to them and we heard them going at it (not in a good way) all night. My brother and I would start fights with each other just to make them stop.

I am the same as you in regards to my kids... Hyper sensitive about yelling in front of them and hyper about telling them how much they mean to me... And the mind set I have is that I HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY WIFE IS HAPPY all the time... If we don't work (we do really well thank G-d) then the outcome is a repeat of history.

I can totally relate to this. I work hard to keep my husband happy so that we get along. I do this and I wonder why my mother never seemed to try very hard to keep her relationships in good shape.

81

split was i was 9....

no yelling or anything. one day my mom came home packed up a few things and moved out.. we stayed at a nieghbors for a few days before joining her. never knew anything was wrong.

i turned out fine. no kids.

justam

Didn't you wonder about what happened to your dad?

81

justam wrote:

Didn't you wonder about what happened to your dad?

not really...i was at his funeral

thesewordselope

My parents split when I was 14. They never fought in front of us and we never heard them fighting in private. This made them separating a complete shock to me and my sisters. We never saw it coming. I use to wish they had a little, just so that it wasn't completely coming out of nowhere for us. I was really close to my Dad. I remember being devastated, I smoked my first cigarette that day, ran away and and didn't talk to him for about 6 months. I recovered pretty quickly after that and within a year me and my best friend set up her Dad and my Mom, and they are still together to this day

Looking back now though, I realize that they are 2 completely different people and I am surprised that they lasted as long as they did. They were great parents to us together and apart, and I guess that is all you can ask for.

iluvcats

My mom was divorced twice. I sent you a pm. Brew a pot of coffee before you open my pm

comebackgirl

I was so relieved when my parents divorced. I was 11. I remember feeling guilty because I was so relieved my mom had finally left my dad. He was extremely physically abusive - more so to my mother and brothers...only on a few occasions to me. I had horrible survival guilt about that, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me as well. He was extremely controlling...wouldn't let my mom work. She finally convinced him to let her work when my younger brother entered school. She worked as a waitress, which was great because she could stash away some of the cash tips until she finally had enough money to leave him. She managed to keep us in our same house and same school, which I think was important to her, and I'm thankful for that. Things were tough financially for a while, but she made it work, was never even tempted to go back to him. I've experienced more fallout from the abuse than from the divorce, but at this point I'm thankful for it. I had to work through a lot in college and found a great therapist who helped me so much. Ironically I ran into her 2 years ago at a workshop and she asked me to join her practice, which I found to be an amazing compliment. I've consciously chosen very laid back, calm partners. My ex and I had probably the most amicable divorce in history. We even met to exchange gifts for Christmas I definitely try to control everything in my life a bit too much...again fallout from the abuse. But in the end I think it's given me good insight and empathy and overall I'm grateful for that.

justam

Thesewordsthatelope and comebackgirl, thank you for a more positive perspective on divorce. This is what I'm hoping for...that there will be some variety and positive experiences as well as the negative ones that some of us share.

Thank you!

justam

iluvcats wrote:

My mom was divorced twice. I sent you a pm. Brew a pot of coffee before you open my pm

I sent you a pm too.

edvedderrocks

My dads left a month before my high school graduation. It was a shock, I didn't know they were that unhappy. It was pure hell. I was 18, and because of my age, I guess my mom thought I was old enough to know every single detail of what a bastard my father was, how she thought he was cheating on her, this, that and the other horrible thing. (My dad and I were always very close.) It just made me nuts, she didn't even consider how it made me and my sister feel (4 years younger). I know she was upset, but she was the parent...

My dad moved out and within a year, my dad had a girlfriend, which was weird and awkward. (not the same one my mom told me about). He ended up marrying her and I didn't like her then and never did. She had a daughter the same age as me, and zi may have never said this about anyone and meant it, but I hated her. I HATED her. She is a whole different story.... Eighteen years later, they are getting divorced, but this time, divorce is a good thing.

Well, what the whole point of this was... I may not have been very young when my parents got divorced, but it really affected my life and still does. The snide comments... the whispering behind each others backs...the "if mom's going to be there, I'm not going". Having the first grandchild was hell. We had to go to 2 different places on xmas (plus my husbands parents) and worry about who was going to where at what time.

After my daughter was 1 years old, I decided that if they couldn't be together for my daughter's birthdays and xmas' that it was too bad. They would be the one's missing out. They could explain to their granddaughter that they were so selfish that they couldn't think of her first. They got divorced. Not me, not my kids.

I still remind them often that they shouldn't talk about each other to me and my sister. It is still really hurtful.

justam

edvedderrocks wrote:

My dads left a month before my high school graduation. It was a shock, I didn't know they were that unhappy. It was pure hell. I was 18, and because of my age, I guess my mom thought I was old enough to know every single detail of what a bastard my father was, how she thought he was cheating on her, this, that and the other horrible thing. (My dad and I were always very close.) It just made me nuts, she didn't even consider how it made me and my sister feel (4 years younger). I know she was upset, but she was the parent...

My dad moved out and within a year, my dad had a girlfriend, which was weird and awkward. (not the same one my mom told me about). He ended up marrying her and I didn't like her then and never did. She had a daughter the same age as me, and zi may have never said this about anyone and meant it, but I hated her. I HATED her. She is a whole different story.... Eighteen years later, they are getting divorced, but this time, divorce is a good thing.

Well, what the whole point of this was... I may not have been very young when my parents got divorced, but it really affected my life and still does. The snide comments... the whispering behind each others backs...the "if mom's going to be there, I'm not going". Having the first grandchild was hell. We had to go to 2 different places on xmas (plus my husbands parents) and worry about who was going to where at what time.

After my daughter was 1 years old, I decided that if they couldn't be together for my daughter's birthdays and xmas' that it was too bad. They would be the one's missing out. They could explain to their granddaughter that they were so selfish that they couldn't think of her first. They got divorced. Not me, not my kids.

I still remind them often that they shouldn't talk about each other to me and my sister. It is still really hurtful.

It is hurtful when the hate spills over like that. It's inconsiderate of the fact that you love both of them and feel connected to the other parent even if they no longer love each other.

I think that's the part that people don't think about. How it tears the kids apart inside.

In my case, my mom just left my real dad before I was even born. I never got to meet him. I never knew any of his family. My mom wanted to erase him from our lives and it just hurt to think she hated him (and I looked like him!) and wanted him gone from her life completely. :?

edvedderrocks

have you ever tried to contact him? That is really sad... People always say, "put yourself in their shoes" or "imagine if you were in that situation".

I would always think of my kids first.

justam

edvedderrocks wrote:

have you ever tried to contact him? That is really sad... People always say, "put yourself in their shoes" or "imagine if you were in that situation".

I would always think of my kids first.

He died when I was about 13. He had become a crab fisherman in Alaska and he died of hypothermia when his boat sank. :geek:

edvedderrocks

Wow. That's a crazy story.

I am sorry you never met your dad. I know that must be hard. I wish you the best... I wonder if your mom knew you would be better off not knowing him... It's hard to say, I guess. That's a tough situation...

Divorce effects everyone involved, not just the 2 people that got married.

justam

Yeah. I'm just thinking it's time to talk about this with other people who've experienced it and try to get over it.

And, I know that since about 50% of all marriages end in divorce, there must be a lot of people out there who've lived through this.

eeriepadave

My parents didn't divorce, but they probably would have. My dad died when I was 8 (had the funeral on my 9th b-day). He drank and smoked a lot. They fought and yelled a lot (from what I remember). So yeah they def. would have gotten a divorce. Not sure how my sister and I would have handled that. Hate to say this but his death might have been for the better. :?