Options
Eddie Vedder is trying to Cut Your Lunch
http://www.monsterchildren.com/contribu ... our-lunch/
Eddie Vedder is trying to Cut Your Lunch.
Posted By Jason – 15.02.2012
Brothers, I’m sad to report that Eddie Vedder has been trying to steal our girlfriends since early 1991. It dawned on me this morning while making breakfast for my girlfriend and I in the sunny kitchen of our home. The Pearl Jam song “Black” came on the radio and the love-of-my-life immediately began singing softly along as she flipped through the morning paper. “So what?” You say. I’ll tell you so what: besides “Like A Prayer” my girlfriend doesn’t know any songs! She’s one of those peculiar people who don’t really take that much notice of music. She likes it, sure, and she can dance like Ginger Rogers; however, she doesn’t catalogue bands, albums and tracks in her head like the rest of us do. She doesn’t really care. So there she is, absentmindedly warbling along with Eddie: “I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why, why, why can’t it be miiiiiiiiiiiine.” And suddenly I’m struck with the chilling, revelatory horror that Mr. Vedder has been trying to make off with all our birds since he first came on the scene in 1991.
Let’s deconstruct good ol’ Eddie, shall we? For a start, he’s good-looking in that far-away-eyed, damaged man-boy way that girls really like. They think they can fix him, or, more accurately, he makes them think they can fix him. But they can’t; the big lug ain’t even broke. Next: his deep-ass voice. What do we equate a deep voice with? Anyone? Anyone? That’s right, a massive ___ . Why do you think James Earl Jones gets so much ___ ? Because he did all those Verizon commercials? Wrong. It’s because his deep baritone is directly proportionate to the length and girth of his wang. This is the reason Michael Cera has never pissed crooked in a stranger’s bathroom; no one wants to make it with Mickey Mouse.
So he’s got a deep voice and he’s handsome; big deal, lot’s of rock stars fit that description. They do, yes. But they don’t write lyrics like Eddie, do they? And this is the tent-pole that supports my entire hypothesis. Most rock stars write songs about falling in love or breaking up, ___ , fighting, whatever, but Eddie Vedder writes songs about women who are miserable and need to move on to something better. Take the song “Why Go” from Pearl Jam’s first album, Ten.
“She seems to be stronger
But what they want her to be is weak
She could play pretend
She could join the game
She could be another clone.”
Granted, this song is about mental illness or something, but you have to read between the lines: Eddie is on her side. He can see how “they” are keeping her down, how “they” want her to be “weak.” Who are “they”, you ask? He’s talking about every other man on earth besides his good, chivalrous self. Sound far-fetched? Okay, what about this sly piece of trickery from Pearl Jam’s second album, Vs?
“She holds the hand that holds her down.
She will rise above.
Don't call me daughter, not fit to…”
That’s only the tiniest snippet of the song “Daughter”, but it’s pretty obvious that Eddie is trying to brainwash our women into spurning their fathers (or father-figures) and running to him for paternal comfort. I mean, what the fuck is wrong this dude? He’s clever; I’ll give him that. Attacking the delicate and ambiguous arena of Father-Daughter relations is about as low as you can go, but let’s face it, if you’re trying steal the heart of womankind you may as well begin at the bottom and work your way up, just like those delightful Hookworm larvae do.
If you’re not yet convinced that Eddie Vedder wants to pilfer your chick, this next piece of evidence from Vitalogy will certainly change your tune.
“Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop.
Tell him. Take no more. She practices her speech as he opens the door, she rolls over...Pretends to sleep, as he looks her over.
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...”
How’s that last line? “She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...” Are you fucking kidding me? He’s planting that shit in your girlfriend’s head right in front of you on prime-time radio! The bastard has imposed an international curfew on dudes! 4AM? Who hasn’t gone out and come home that late? You only have to do it once now, and she’ll get that song in her head and start looking for a “Better Man”! And gee-whiz, I wonder who that better man is?
Piss off, Vedder. I’m watching you.
...
D'oh!!!
Eddie Vedder is trying to Cut Your Lunch.
Posted By Jason – 15.02.2012
Brothers, I’m sad to report that Eddie Vedder has been trying to steal our girlfriends since early 1991. It dawned on me this morning while making breakfast for my girlfriend and I in the sunny kitchen of our home. The Pearl Jam song “Black” came on the radio and the love-of-my-life immediately began singing softly along as she flipped through the morning paper. “So what?” You say. I’ll tell you so what: besides “Like A Prayer” my girlfriend doesn’t know any songs! She’s one of those peculiar people who don’t really take that much notice of music. She likes it, sure, and she can dance like Ginger Rogers; however, she doesn’t catalogue bands, albums and tracks in her head like the rest of us do. She doesn’t really care. So there she is, absentmindedly warbling along with Eddie: “I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why, why, why can’t it be miiiiiiiiiiiine.” And suddenly I’m struck with the chilling, revelatory horror that Mr. Vedder has been trying to make off with all our birds since he first came on the scene in 1991.
Let’s deconstruct good ol’ Eddie, shall we? For a start, he’s good-looking in that far-away-eyed, damaged man-boy way that girls really like. They think they can fix him, or, more accurately, he makes them think they can fix him. But they can’t; the big lug ain’t even broke. Next: his deep-ass voice. What do we equate a deep voice with? Anyone? Anyone? That’s right, a massive ___ . Why do you think James Earl Jones gets so much ___ ? Because he did all those Verizon commercials? Wrong. It’s because his deep baritone is directly proportionate to the length and girth of his wang. This is the reason Michael Cera has never pissed crooked in a stranger’s bathroom; no one wants to make it with Mickey Mouse.
So he’s got a deep voice and he’s handsome; big deal, lot’s of rock stars fit that description. They do, yes. But they don’t write lyrics like Eddie, do they? And this is the tent-pole that supports my entire hypothesis. Most rock stars write songs about falling in love or breaking up, ___ , fighting, whatever, but Eddie Vedder writes songs about women who are miserable and need to move on to something better. Take the song “Why Go” from Pearl Jam’s first album, Ten.
“She seems to be stronger
But what they want her to be is weak
She could play pretend
She could join the game
She could be another clone.”
Granted, this song is about mental illness or something, but you have to read between the lines: Eddie is on her side. He can see how “they” are keeping her down, how “they” want her to be “weak.” Who are “they”, you ask? He’s talking about every other man on earth besides his good, chivalrous self. Sound far-fetched? Okay, what about this sly piece of trickery from Pearl Jam’s second album, Vs?
“She holds the hand that holds her down.
She will rise above.
Don't call me daughter, not fit to…”
That’s only the tiniest snippet of the song “Daughter”, but it’s pretty obvious that Eddie is trying to brainwash our women into spurning their fathers (or father-figures) and running to him for paternal comfort. I mean, what the fuck is wrong this dude? He’s clever; I’ll give him that. Attacking the delicate and ambiguous arena of Father-Daughter relations is about as low as you can go, but let’s face it, if you’re trying steal the heart of womankind you may as well begin at the bottom and work your way up, just like those delightful Hookworm larvae do.
If you’re not yet convinced that Eddie Vedder wants to pilfer your chick, this next piece of evidence from Vitalogy will certainly change your tune.
“Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop.
Tell him. Take no more. She practices her speech as he opens the door, she rolls over...Pretends to sleep, as he looks her over.
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...”
How’s that last line? “She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...” Are you fucking kidding me? He’s planting that shit in your girlfriend’s head right in front of you on prime-time radio! The bastard has imposed an international curfew on dudes! 4AM? Who hasn’t gone out and come home that late? You only have to do it once now, and she’ll get that song in her head and start looking for a “Better Man”! And gee-whiz, I wonder who that better man is?
Piss off, Vedder. I’m watching you.
...
D'oh!!!
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
(I'm only laughing because I know for a fact that my gf does not find Ed attractive.)
Berlin - August 15, 2009
Lisbon - July 10, 2010
Berlin - June 26, 2014
Zurich - June 23, 2022
http://www.last.fm/user/Kloddz
That is the most hysterical (and possibly accurate) analysis I've ever heard. My husband accepts my obsession with all things Ed and just remembers that I always return to him
Seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned...
I AM MINE
Assembly Hall-Apr 23 2003 Alpine Valley-Jun 21 2003
Grant Park-Aug 5 2007 United Center-Aug 23 2009
United Center-Aug 24 2009 Alpine Valley-Sep 3 2011
Alpine Valley-Sep 4 2011 Wrigley Field-Jul 19 2013
"Hey fellas, have you heard the news?
The women in this town are being misused."
Tweeter Center - Jul 02, 2003
Tweeter Center - Jul 03, 2003
Tweeter Center - Jul 11, 2003
Fleet Center - Sep 28, 2004
Dodge Music Center - Jun 27, 2008
Tweeter Center - Jun 28, 2008
Tweeter Center - Jun 30, 2008
ALL FOUR 09 PHILLY SHOWS!!
and so true
its worked on me since day one..minute one..second one
and it never loses its power
there is no other man on the planet when ed croons in your ear
good luck dudes!
you just can't compare
jo
http://www.Etsy.com/Shop/SimpleEarthCreations
"How I choose to feel is how I am." ~ EV/MMc
"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends." ~ One Stab ~
05/24/06, 06/28/08, 06/30/08, 05/17/10, 09/07/11, 09/11/11, 09/12/11, 09/14/11, 09/15/11, 10/15/13, 10/16/13, 10/21/13, 10/22/13, 10/25/13, 10/27/13, 05/05/16, 05/08/16, 08/07/16, 09/02/18
ev: 06/15/11
He just keeps getting better and better.....his spell was also cast on me many, many years ago!
Alpine Valley Music Theatre - Sep 03, 2011
Alpine Valley Music Theatre - Sep 04, 2011
Wrigley Field - July 19, 2013
Lincoln, NE - Oct 9, 2014
Global Citizen's Festival, NYC - Sept 26, 2015
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
-00, Stockholm
-07, Copenhagen
-09, Berlin
-10, Berlin
-11, East Troy 1+2
-12, Stockholm, Oslo, Copenhagen, EV London 2
-13, London, Chicago
-14, Amsterdam 1+2, Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo
-16, TOTD San Francisco 1+2
-17, EV Amsterdam 2+3
-18, Amsterdam 1+2, London 1+(2), Barcelona, London 2
-19, EV Brussels
Good post, dude. Very informative...
I always thought the lyrics were, "She lies, (insists) she's in love with him, can't find a better man...”
Without your insightful, thoughtful, one-way dialogue, I never would have known otherwise (probably).
Oh, and, get in line, man. You're not the only dude who's in love with Eddie V.
I've been trying to get Ed to steal my girl for over a year now, with no luck....
I think she's too hooked on me...
you really cracked me up because it's soooo true!
loved it...
~The O2, Dublin 2010~
~Odyssey Arena, Belfast 2010~
~Hyde Park, London 2010~
~Ziggo Dome, Amsterdam 2014~
~ Madison Square Garden, New York 2016~
This post gave me the giant laugh that I needed!
I'm a BIRD & I'm flyin'!!
Gotta love the "wang" part. Reminds me of my Aunt & Uncles' Siamese cat named, yes, Wang. One day their friendly Minister came to visit, "What's your cat's name?" He asks. :oops: "WANG!!" my four year old cousin replies. :shock: See, they should of named the cat Big Eddie Vedder. hehe
i love chris
but ed would win
now if it was temple of the dog...even BETTER..you get both in both ears
what could be more heavenly
jo
http://www.Etsy.com/Shop/SimpleEarthCreations
"How I choose to feel is how I am." ~ EV/MMc
"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends." ~ One Stab ~
PJ in Stockholm, Sweden, 7th July 2012. EV solo in London, 31st July 2012. PJ in Stockholm 28th of June 2014. PJ in Milton Keynes UK, 11th of July 2014, Eddie solo in London 6th of June 2017. PJ London 18th of June, 2018, and 17th of July, 2018.
"I seem to recognize your face, haunting, familiar yet, I can't seem to place it..."
This is funny because it's a good analysis. My husband has been noticing this for years too. :P
Hear my name
Take a good look
This could be the day
Hold my hand
Walk beside me
Oh, and the way he was holding that microphone during Black on Unplugged. I never wanted to be a microphone so badly in my life!
Ouch..