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I am not sure why I feel so much guilt right now.
I have not spoken to my high school best freind in over 20 years. In college he started to get heavy into drinking and drugs and at times went along with it and other times just shook my head at him. This went on up to graduation where we both graduated and got careers. During this time we both met are future wives and I felt like things were going great but always knew my freind still had a problem.
I tried countless times to get him to clean up and to get help but he always turned it around on me and that it was my problem for not believing that he could quit anytime. I hung on longer until he started presuring me to join in his activities which I kept saying no to...which as you can guess made him more distant. It got to a point where I gave one last ditch effort to have himself stop and after a very painful argument and bad things said ended my 12 year friendship with him and severed all ties with him.
I always had dread and guilt turning my back to him and decided to reach out to him about 5 years ago and never got a response. For how corny as it sounded I reached out to him every 6 months in hopes I could get him on a good day and he would open up to me. Finally 2 months ago I decided enough was enough and figured out where he lived. I had worked up what I was going to say to him and prayed he got himself clean. The plan was to come out Saturday (TODAY) and knock on his door and hope he would just say hi.
Out of the blue on Wednesday I googled his name again and found that he died 4 weeks ago. Just crushed knowing I waited to long. After reaching out to anyone we knew I found out he did not get clean and literally drank himself to death. I was told he never cleaned up and really damaged his insides and was told to stop the drinking, which he never could do. The ending demise was the suffering he had since the start of the year after finding out his wife was being treated for cancer paired with Covid complications in which all of her organs shut down.
I just feel so much guilt and pain right now. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but God, I feel so much guilt right now.
Post edited by Phool on
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That is terrible. I am sorry for your loss.
As I read what you write I think we all would be lucky to have a friend like you who cared enough to tell us when we are going down the wrong path (and repeatedly until you were completely shut out). I would venture to say you were not the only one trying to convince him to change over the last 10 years and you shouldn't beat yourself up. Easy for me to say though. Ultimately it looks like the addiction was in control and not him or anyone else. A terrible thing.
You're guilt is understandable but it's not your fault.
Right now you're moving through the 5 stages of grieving. It will take time.
Maybe this will help....
Five Stages Of Grief - Understanding the Kubler-Ross Model https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
Gutted: London 2 2018, Sacramento 2022, Noblesville 2023
As others have shared this is certainly on no way something you should feel guilty about, but it says a lot for the kind of friend that you were to him that you tried at all, much less over and over again.
Good luck getting through this....music can be a great friend during times like these.
I am so sorry for your loss , it sounds like you were a very good friend who kept trying and trying. Although I would be lying to say if I was in your shoes I would also feel some sort of guilt , I would need someone to tell me " its not your fault ".
You sound like a very caring person and I am so sorry for your loss.