Corny Jokes

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  • oftenreadingoftenreading Victoria, BC Posts: 12,821
    A piece of string walks into a bar. 

    The bartender says "we don't serve string here". 

    So the string ties a knot in himself,  fluffs up his hair, and tries to order again. 

    The bartender says "hey, didn't you hear me?  We don't serve string". 

    The string says "I'm a frayed knot". 
    my small self... like a book amongst the many on a shelf
  • HobbesHobbes Pacific Northwest Posts: 6,377
    If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?


    European!
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of forever Posts: 24,524
    A dad joke (well, my dad's joke; he cracked himself up) -

    Order at a restaurant:  "I'll have a Russian order, please."

    Waiter/ess:  "Excuse me, sir?"

    Dad:  "A one-of-ich."

    Oy.

    He was also fond of the old one I'm sure everyone has been subjected to.......

    "Dad, I'm thirsty". 

    "I'm Friday, nice to meet you!"
  • eeriepadaveeeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 40,703
    did you hear about the new broom?
    It's sweeping the nation

    What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
    Frost bite

    Wakka Wakka
    Image result for fozzie bear waka waka


    bf959b1f-9b77-457c-baf8-038776f33339_zps8a6a389d.jpg?t=1365722973
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,592
    My favorite, told to me by my brother years ago:

    How do you catch an unusual rabbit? 
    Unique up on it.

    OK, then how do you catch a domestic rabbit?
    Tame way.
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • dankinddankind I am not your foot. Posts: 20,827
    Why can't Jesus play hockey?

    He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
    I SAW PEARL JAM
  • HesCalledDyerHesCalledDyer Maryland Posts: 16,416
    dankind said:
    Why can't Jesus play hockey?

    He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
    He'd make a great goalie, though.  "JESUS SAAAAAAVES!"
  • dankinddankind I am not your foot. Posts: 20,827
    dankind said:
    Why can't Jesus play hockey?

    He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
    He'd make a great goalie, though.  "JESUS SAAAAAAVES!"
    I know. I have the T-shirt. 



    That reminds me: How do you get a nun pregnant?

    Dress her up as an altar boy. 
    I SAW PEARL JAM
  • HobbesHobbes Pacific Northwest Posts: 6,377
    Why does Jesus get all the chicks?

    They heard he was hung like this :hug:
  • dankinddankind I am not your foot. Posts: 20,827
    edited August 2017
    Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper three nails, and asks, "Could you put me up for the night?"
    I SAW PEARL JAM
  • HesCalledDyerHesCalledDyer Maryland Posts: 16,416
    Hobbes said:
    Why does Jesus get all the chicks?

    They heard he was hung like this :hug:
    And the award for "Best Use of Any Emoji, Ever" goes to...  Hobbes!
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of forever Posts: 24,524
    Hobbes said:
    Why does Jesus get all the chicks?

    They heard he was hung like this :hug:
    And the award for "Best Use of Any Emoji, Ever" goes to...  Hobbes!
    Ha!  Agreed.
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,592
    If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • mace1229mace1229 Posts: 8,956
    How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    2....But it makes you kind of wonder how they got in there.
  • dankinddankind I am not your foot. Posts: 20,827
    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None. They just sit in the dark and cry.
    I SAW PEARL JAM
  • HesCalledDyerHesCalledDyer Maryland Posts: 16,416
    A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

    The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

    "For what?"

    The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

    The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

    The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

    The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
  • tempo_n_groovetempo_n_groove Posts: 38,850
    What's the one with the Hollow weenie?
  • darwinstheorydarwinstheory LaPorte, IN Posts: 5,692
    Q: What do you call a fish with 2 knees?

    A: two knee fish
    "A smart monkey doesn't monkey around with another monkey's monkey" - Darwin's Theory
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,592
    What happens when you play country and western music backwards?

    You sober up, your wife comes home and the dog comes back to life.
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • tempo_n_groovetempo_n_groove Posts: 38,850
    What do a Dildoe and Soy beans have in common?

    They're both meat substitutes! B)
  • Cliffy6745Cliffy6745 Posts: 33,582
    I signed up for my company's 401k, but I don't think I can run that far
  • HesCalledDyerHesCalledDyer Maryland Posts: 16,416
    I signed up for my company's 401k, but I don't think I can run that far
    I actually laughed at that.

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