I hate this time of year. I look enviously at all of those that are excited and joyful, wishing that could be me. But I can count on one hand the happy Christmases I had. One in particular was our first Christmas with my now husband. We had known each other for 8 months and, as is typical, had told each other many childhood stories. He listened. And remembered. On Christmas morning, I woke up to a huge pile of gifts. I carefully opened one after another. He had gotten me EVERY toy I'd ever wished for as a kid. He gave me the perfect Christmas I had always dreamed of as a kid. I kept one big teddy bear and a Barbie and then we donated all the rest. The others were the few Christmases we were able to scrape enough to donate gifts to the abused children's shelter. Now we have 4 kids and I spend each and every year stressing because I want to give my kids great Christmases and can't. I don't know how. It's partly gifts but mostly teaching them to give to others...money, time, a kind word...so much can be done for others in this season. No matter how I try to be happy each year, every year, without a break, those old Christmases come back to haunt me. I feel so anxious and depressed. I feel so vulnerable this time of year. Everything is going wrong. Everything I say and do is wrong. Everything hurts deeper. I'm avoiding people so I don't bring them down but the loneliness is getting unbearable. Two years ago tomorrow, I tried to kill myself. I don't want to now but the thoughts are still running through my head. All day long. I try to distract myself by reading and posting and "talking" to people but it seems no one can relate or understand. I can't blame them. I'm sure I'm giving off a negative vibe. Or just plain crazy. So tomorrow will be a tough day for me. And I pray I can get through it, pull myself up, and find a way to cheer up another depressed person for Christmas so they know they are not alone and don't have to feel the pain I am. That is my goal.
Post edited by RogueStoner on
0
hedonist
standing on the edge of forever Posts: 24,524
I hate this time of year. I look enviously at all of those that are excited and joyful, wishing that could be me. But I can count on one hand the happy Christmases I had. One in particular was our first Christmas with my now husband. We had known each other for 8 months and, as is typical, had told each other many childhood stories. He listened. And remembered. On Christmas morning, I woke up to a huge pile of gifts. I carefully opened one after another. He had gotten me EVERY toy I'd ever wished for as a kid. He gave me the perfect Christmas I had always dreamed of as a kid. Now we have 4 kids and I spend each and every year stressing because I want to give my kids great Christmases and can't. And every year, without a break, those old Christmases come back to haunt me. I feel so anxious and depressed. I feel so vulnerable this time of year. Everything is going wrong. Everything I say and do is wrong. Everything hurts deeper. I'm avoiding people so I don't bring them down but the loneliness is getting unbearable. Two years ago tomorrow, I tried to kill myself. I don't want to now but the thoughts are still running through my head. All day long. I try to distract myself by reading and posting and "talking" to people but it seems no one can relate or understand. I can't blame them. I'm sure I'm giving off a negative vibe. Or just plain crazy. So tomorrow will be a tough day for me. And I pray I can get through it, pull myself up, and find a way to cheer up another depressed person for Christmas so they don't have to feel the pain I am. That is my goal.
I'm so sorry, sweetie. For the pain that still is there, and may always be...though hopefully lessened somehow.
It's about two years since my mom tried the same; that hurt was/is felt in so many ways - by me as her daughter and moreso by her.
You have a kickass, amazing husband and children who need and WANT you with them, and to be happier more than sad (which we all hope for). Talking helps, maybe volunteering too?
You need some outlet, release, that takes you outside of yourself right now. And maybe this time of year is the perfect time?
For me, holidays - not necessarily Christmas - were about the warmth and vibe. Maybe a gift or two, but the energy and times with my family are what prevails.
I feel for you RogueStoner. Maybe you can try to think in a more forgiving way towards yourself and others. Try to appreciate the smallest little things like a smile or a kind word maybe just a reflection from the sun. I hope for you to get stronger. Much love
Hugs to you RS. "Do you see the way that tree bends?"
Christmas doesn't have to be about the perfect gift for your kids. Really, all they need, and will hold tight to in the future, is the knowledge that they are and were loved. (((Hugs)))
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
Hugs to you RS. "Do you see the way that tree bends?"
Christmas doesn't have to be about the perfect gift for your kids. Really, all they need, and will hold tight to in the future, is the knowledge that they are and were loved. (((Hugs)))
I wish I knew more of what to say, R L"S. I have dealt with many many forms of anxiety, but never anything like this. So all I can offer is a huge hug. Just an idea.. but have you guys ever taken your kids and done gift drops? That is where you have each kid pick out a toy they think a kid their age would like, you wrap it, and then donate them with age/gender info attached to a family homeless shelter. I have been that kid in the shelter, thinking I was forgotten, and those gifts we got those two years gave me hope. I think it might give your kids a bit of perspective they hopefully never have to experience in life, and might make things a little easier on you? Just an idea.
Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice. It's not even about the gifts for my kids. This year they're not getting any from us. But we have certain family members where gifts are all that Christmas is about. We are forced to go to their house every year so my kids get to see all the crap their cousins got and they wonder why they didn't. It's rather cruel if you ask me. My Christmases consisted of my mother griping about how much she hates the holidays. No Santa, no toys, no tree. I'd put up lights in my room and was happy. One time her boyfriend brought over a big, real tree and I was overjoyed. I'll never forget that. So I will continue to do what I think is important...donating anything we can to others, trimming the tree with the ornaments we've collected over 20 years and telling stories, watching A Christmas Story with hot cocoa and snacks, baking and decorating cookies, riding around looking at all the pretty decorations. And most of all, hoping that will be enough without the gifts. It will still be a tough season for me but hopefully this darkness will lift soon and I can at least be somewhat cheerful for my kids' sakes.
Yes. At least it helps with the anxiety and calms the thoughts running through my head that make the depression worse. Helps with patience and tolerance and sometimes cheers me up.
Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice. It's not even about the gifts for my kids. This year they're not getting any from us. But we have certain family members where gifts are all that Christmas is about. We are forced to go to their house every year so my kids get to see all the crap their cousins got and they wonder why they didn't. It's rather cruel if you ask me. My Christmases consisted of my mother griping about how much she hates the holidays. No Santa, no toys, no tree. I'd put up lights in my room and was happy. One time her boyfriend brought over a big, real tree and I was overjoyed. I'll never forget that. So I will continue to do what I think is important...donating anything we can to others, trimming the tree with the ornaments we've collected over 20 years and telling stories, watching A Christmas Story with hot cocoa and snacks, baking and decorating cookies, riding around looking at all the pretty decorations. And most of all, hoping that will be enough without the gifts. It will still be a tough season for me but hopefully this darkness will lift soon and I can at least be somewhat cheerful for my kids' sakes.
That sounds amazing! Honestly when we look back on Christmases past, it's the feelings we hold closest to our hearts, for good or bad. We might remember that others seemed to get more, but if we were loved well, then on reflection it didn't seem to matter.
Your kids may not appreciate that now, but as they get older they'll come to understand what is really important and not just a Christmas. The holidays can be a tumultuous time mentally. Thanks for still being around RS. (((Hugs)))
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice. It's not even about the gifts for my kids. This year they're not getting any from us. But we have certain family members where gifts are all that Christmas is about. We are forced to go to their house every year so my kids get to see all the crap their cousins got and they wonder why they didn't. It's rather cruel if you ask me. My Christmases consisted of my mother griping about how much she hates the holidays. No Santa, no toys, no tree. I'd put up lights in my room and was happy. One time her boyfriend brought over a big, real tree and I was overjoyed. I'll never forget that. So I will continue to do what I think is important...donating anything we can to others, trimming the tree with the ornaments we've collected over 20 years and telling stories, watching A Christmas Story with hot cocoa and snacks, baking and decorating cookies, riding around looking at all the pretty decorations. And most of all, hoping that will be enough without the gifts. It will still be a tough season for me but hopefully this darkness will lift soon and I can at least be somewhat cheerful for my kids' sakes.
That sounds amazing! Honestly when we look back on Christmases past, it's the feelings we hold closest to our hearts, for good or bad. We might remember that others seemed to get more, but if we were loved well, then on reflection it didn't seem to matter.
Your kids may not appreciate that now, but as they get older they'll come to understand what is really important and not just a Christmas. The holidays can be a tumultuous time mentally. Thanks for still being around RS. (((Hugs)))
Thank you for that.
Thank you all for your great ideas, inspiring words, support and distracting my mind from this day.
Absolutely. It helps when I'm manic and it helps when I'm depressed. Like someone stated above, it really helps with anxiety and racing thoughts. To be able to feel like my brain and thoughts are working at a normal clip is priceless to me. That helps me sleep more and directly helps my mood because of a regular sleep pattern.
Is being high occasionally to manage these symptoms better than being on a medication that helps regulate emotions, etc etc, daily?
Ummm much better, I think. And it's not as caustic. At least we are not putting synthetic chemicals in our bodies. And the difference of how you feel on meds and on MMJ is night and day.
Because of my crazy chemical stack, many of the meds they gave me made me sick. Or I was too stupefied to be worth anything.. like Lithium. I was a zombie... but I smoke, and not only can I function, but I can function without drooling on people!
Plus like LVM stated my brain functions at a normal pace.. I feel safe being in my own skin.. MMJ or MJ period is a zillion times better.. cheaper too.
Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice. It's not even about the gifts for my kids. This year they're not getting any from us. But we have certain family members where gifts are all that Christmas is about. We are forced to go to their house every year so my kids get to see all the crap their cousins got and they wonder why they didn't. It's rather cruel if you ask me. My Christmases consisted of my mother griping about how much she hates the holidays. No Santa, no toys, no tree. I'd put up lights in my room and was happy. One time her boyfriend brought over a big, real tree and I was overjoyed. I'll never forget that. So I will continue to do what I think is important...donating anything we can to others, trimming the tree with the ornaments we've collected over 20 years and telling stories, watching A Christmas Story with hot cocoa and snacks, baking and decorating cookies, riding around looking at all the pretty decorations. And most of all, hoping that will be enough without the gifts. It will still be a tough season for me but hopefully this darkness will lift soon and I can at least be somewhat cheerful for my kids' sakes.
You are an amazing lady! I am honored to call you friend!
Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice. It's not even about the gifts for my kids. This year they're not getting any from us. But we have certain family members where gifts are all that Christmas is about. We are forced to go to their house every year so my kids get to see all the crap their cousins got and they wonder why they didn't. It's rather cruel if you ask me. My Christmases consisted of my mother griping about how much she hates the holidays. No Santa, no toys, no tree. I'd put up lights in my room and was happy. One time her boyfriend brought over a big, real tree and I was overjoyed. I'll never forget that. So I will continue to do what I think is important...donating anything we can to others, trimming the tree with the ornaments we've collected over 20 years and telling stories, watching A Christmas Story with hot cocoa and snacks, baking and decorating cookies, riding around looking at all the pretty decorations. And most of all, hoping that will be enough without the gifts. It will still be a tough season for me but hopefully this darkness will lift soon and I can at least be somewhat cheerful for my kids' sakes.
You are an amazing lady! I am honored to call you friend!
Is being high occasionally to manage these symptoms better than being on a medication that helps regulate emotions, etc etc, daily?
Ummm much better, I think. And it's not as caustic. At least we are not putting synthetic chemicals in our bodies. And the difference of how you feel on meds and on MMJ is night and day.
Because of my crazy chemical stack, many of the meds they gave me made me sick. Or I was too stupefied to be worth anything.. like Lithium. I was a zombie... but I smoke, and not only can I function, but I can function without drooling on people!
Plus like LVM stated my brain functions at a normal pace.. I feel safe being in my own skin.. MMJ or MJ period is a zillion times better.. cheaper too.
Very well stated! Wish you could come down and talk some sense into AZ voters!
Is being high occasionally to manage these symptoms better than being on a medication that helps regulate emotions, etc etc, daily?
Ummm much better, I think. And it's not as caustic. At least we are not putting synthetic chemicals in our bodies. And the difference of how you feel on meds and on MMJ is night and day.
Because of my crazy chemical stack, many of the meds they gave me made me sick. Or I was too stupefied to be worth anything.. like Lithium. I was a zombie... but I smoke, and not only can I function, but I can function without drooling on people!
Plus like LVM stated my brain functions at a normal pace.. I feel safe being in my own skin.. MMJ or MJ period is a zillion times better.. cheaper too.
Very well stated! Wish you could come down and talk some sense into AZ voters!
Hahahaha! You don't want in any soap boxes.. lol trust me!
This thread originally focused on Robin Williams and depression but since I couldn't find another "depression" thread figured I'd just post here.
Depression is a sneaky bastard. You think you've got it under control and out of the blue- WHAM- it smacks you up the side of the amygdala. That's what happened to me last night. It didn't help that I watched two depressing movies back-to-back. Didn't think much of it until about an hour later when it was late, dark, hot and stuffy here. Suddenly, down comes that heavy smothering blanket of darkness.
It's something worth being prepared for, I guess. You can't ever get too cocky about conquering it. You have to keep your guard up, learn to be tough, hack or pack. Today I'm hacking.
All good thoughts going out to any of you dealing with this... and so many of us do.
Strength!
2000- Atlanta, GA: New Orleans, LA: Memphis, TN: Nashville, TN
2003- Raleigh, NC: Charlotte, NC: Atlanta, GA
2004- Asheville, NC (hometown show)
2006- Cincinnati, OH
2008- Columbia, SC
2009- Chicago, IL x 2 / Ed Vedder- Atlanta, GA x 2
2010- Bristow, VA
2011- Alpine Valley, WI (PJ20) x 2 / Ed Vedder- Chicago, IL
2012- Atlanta, GA
2013- Charlotte, NC
2014- Cincinnati, OH
2015- New York, NY
2016- Greenville, SC: Hampton, VA:: Columbia, SC: Raleigh, NC : Lexington, KY: Philly, PA 2: (Wrigley) Chicago, IL x 2 (holy shit): Temple of the Dog- Philly, PA
2017- ED VED- Louisville, KY
2018- Chicago, IL x2, Boston, MA x2
2020- Nashville, TN
2022- Smashville
2023- Austin, TX x2
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,661
Reminds me of how very lucky I am to still be alive and how very fortunate to be among such a lovely crowd as you all are. Thanks, friends.
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.
0
curmudgeoness
Brigadoon, foodie capital Posts: 3,226
This thread originally focused on Robin Williams and depression but since I couldn't find another "depression" thread figured I'd just post here.
Depression is a sneaky bastard. You think you've got it under control and out of the blue- WHAM- it smacks you up the side of the amygdala. That's what happened to me last night. It didn't help that I watched two depressing movies back-to-back. Didn't think much of it until about an hour later when it was late, dark, hot and stuffy here. Suddenly, down comes that heavy smothering blanket of darkness.
It's something worth being prepared for, I guess. You can't ever get too cocky about conquering it. You have to keep your guard up, learn to be tough, hack or pack. Today I'm hacking.
All good thoughts going out to any of you dealing with this... and so many of us do.
Strength!
I described it to my husband like this: There's a monster in the house, and it's always hiding, waiting to grab me. It sounds crazy, but he actually saw it happen one time: I was walking across the room, and I was fine when I started, but by the time I had crossed the room I had been dragged down into a dark hole; the monster had grabbed me and pulled me into its cave. My husband was freaked out, he said he could see "me" disappear in a matter of seconds.
Medications don't do much for me. Ample sunshine and boatloads of exercise help, a lot; I'm like a shark, I have to keep moving. I've got things pretty well under control at the moment, but I know that if I don't take care the monster will be back. Living with the monster sucks. Hugs to everyone who is living with their own monster.
All those who seek to destroy the liberties of a democratic nation ought to know that war is the surest and shortest means to accomplish it.
Mental illness is no joke at all. I was diagnose with bipolar in 2012. Treated for depression prior to that. I live with a demon every day...I am medicated so I do alright most of the time...but there are times when I struggle. I've told people I'm bipolar and proud and some have told me that's not something to be proud of...but what they don't understand is that I'm not proud of the disease/demons, I'm proud that I have fought those demons for 34 years and am still here.
This is definitely an important thread to keep bumping!
Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior! Tattooed Dissident!
Yes it is. I too want to thank the fans for understanding. Too bad not everyone does understand. Two people in particular clearly don't give a rat's behind. I'm sure they know who they are.
Comments
Me n Tempo were talking about this band (playing here next month w00t) and this song is rather quite bouncy! Stick it in you "hack" supply tool belt:
LIVEFOOTSTEPS.ORG/USER/?USR=435
No matter how I try to be happy each year, every year, without a break, those old Christmases come back to haunt me. I feel so anxious and depressed. I feel so vulnerable this time of year. Everything is going wrong. Everything I say and do is wrong. Everything hurts deeper. I'm avoiding people so I don't bring them down but the loneliness is getting unbearable.
Two years ago tomorrow, I tried to kill myself. I don't want to now but the thoughts are still running through my head. All day long. I try to distract myself by reading and posting and "talking" to people but it seems no one can relate or understand. I can't blame them. I'm sure I'm giving off a negative vibe. Or just plain crazy.
So tomorrow will be a tough day for me. And I pray I can get through it, pull myself up, and find a way to cheer up another depressed person for Christmas so they know they are not alone and don't have to feel the pain I am. That is my goal.
It's about two years since my mom tried the same; that hurt was/is felt in so many ways - by me as her daughter and moreso by her.
You have a kickass, amazing husband and children who need and WANT you with them, and to be happier more than sad (which we all hope for). Talking helps, maybe volunteering too?
You need some outlet, release, that takes you outside of yourself right now. And maybe this time of year is the perfect time?
For me, holidays - not necessarily Christmas - were about the warmth and vibe. Maybe a gift or two, but the energy and times with my family are what prevails.
Christmas doesn't have to be about the perfect gift for your kids. Really, all they need, and will hold tight to in the future, is the knowledge that they are and were loved. (((Hugs)))
L"S. I have dealt with many many forms of anxiety, but never anything like this. So all I can offer is a huge hug. Just an idea.. but have you guys ever taken your kids and done gift drops? That is where you have each kid pick out a toy they think a kid their age would like, you wrap it, and then donate them with age/gender info attached to a family homeless shelter. I have been that kid in the shelter, thinking I was forgotten, and those gifts we got those two years gave me hope. I think it might give your kids a bit of perspective they hopefully never have to experience in life, and might make things a little easier on you? Just an idea.
My Christmases consisted of my mother griping about how much she hates the holidays. No Santa, no toys, no tree. I'd put up lights in my room and was happy. One time her boyfriend brought over a big, real tree and I was overjoyed. I'll never forget that.
So I will continue to do what I think is important...donating anything we can to others, trimming the tree with the ornaments we've collected over 20 years and telling stories, watching A Christmas Story with hot cocoa and snacks, baking and decorating cookies, riding around looking at all the pretty decorations. And most of all, hoping that will be enough without the gifts.
It will still be a tough season for me but hopefully this darkness will lift soon and I can at least be somewhat cheerful for my kids' sakes.
Your kids may not appreciate that now, but as they get older they'll come to understand what is really important and not just a Christmas. The holidays can be a tumultuous time mentally. Thanks for still being around RS. (((Hugs)))
Thank you all for your great ideas, inspiring words, support and distracting my mind from this day.
http://www.reverbnation.com/brianzilm
Because of my crazy chemical stack, many of the meds they gave me made me sick. Or I was too stupefied to be worth anything.. like Lithium. I was a zombie... but I smoke, and not only can I function, but I can function without drooling on people!
Plus like LVM stated my brain functions at a normal pace.. I feel safe being in my own skin.. MMJ or MJ period is a zillion times better.. cheaper too.
livefootsteps.org/user/?usr=446
1995- New Orleans, LA : New Orleans, LA
1996- Charleston, SC
1998- Atlanta, GA: Birmingham, AL: Greenville, SC: Knoxville, TN
2000- Atlanta, GA: New Orleans, LA: Memphis, TN: Nashville, TN
2003- Raleigh, NC: Charlotte, NC: Atlanta, GA
2004- Asheville, NC (hometown show)
2006- Cincinnati, OH
2008- Columbia, SC
2009- Chicago, IL x 2 / Ed Vedder- Atlanta, GA x 2
2010- Bristow, VA
2011- Alpine Valley, WI (PJ20) x 2 / Ed Vedder- Chicago, IL
2012- Atlanta, GA
2013- Charlotte, NC
2014- Cincinnati, OH
2015- New York, NY
2016- Greenville, SC: Hampton, VA:: Columbia, SC: Raleigh, NC : Lexington, KY: Philly, PA 2: (Wrigley) Chicago, IL x 2 (holy shit): Temple of the Dog- Philly, PA
2017- ED VED- Louisville, KY
2018- Chicago, IL x2, Boston, MA x2
2020- Nashville, TN
2022- Smashville
2023- Austin, TX x2
Medications don't do much for me. Ample sunshine and boatloads of exercise help, a lot; I'm like a shark, I have to keep moving. I've got things pretty well under control at the moment, but I know that if I don't take care the monster will be back. Living with the monster sucks. Hugs to everyone who is living with their own monster.
This is definitely an important thread to keep bumping!
Tattooed Dissident!
Yes it is. I too want to thank the fans for understanding. Too bad not everyone does understand. Two people in particular clearly don't give a rat's behind. I'm sure they know who they are.